Blessings in the Pain

For those who don’t know, I’m a doctor. God called me to be one and I even have the moment He called me locked into my heart.

I have been SO frustrated at the health system for pushing “patients must not be in pain!” for I have had to teach patients the important role pain plays in our bodies. You see, pain is what teaches us boundaries for our bodies- you fought a futon and the futon won? Next time use better body mechanics. You just had surgery? let’s not numb your pain so bad that you rip your stitches out.

This break up- I was in bed sobbing for two days straight. The pain of his walking away from me I cannot begin to describe to you. It was such a mixture of:

I love him
I’m proud of him for expressing his need to seek God on his own, by himself
I really loved him so much – it felt like it could have been enough for us both
did he really think he wasn’t good enough for me
how can two people who say they love each other and their actions show true love be walking away from each other

But I emerged from my cocoon of pain to find myself stronger than I’ve ever been.

I have fought battles with deep depression and suicide before- and barely survived. I have had plans on what I would use to kill myself if only I had had access. I have not allowed myself to fully dream for my future- just dreaming of what would make the guy happiest.

Sunday night I had a moment where I realized I had not had even ONE thought of suicide. I lost the greatest love of my life and yet I was still looking forward to things, I was allowing myself the space for my pain and tears, I was PROUD of this man for doing what he felt was best.

I know that GOD has won my battle over suicide and it is a definitive win. I am free.

I never would have known this about myself if he never broke up with me. I would never have allowed myself to fully dream for my future if I was still with him- not his fault at all, mine; for I fully always defer more than any man ever asks for when I love him.

This man constantly pushed me to speak up for myself more. He constantly encouraged me to find my voice.

I still love him so much for that. I praise God for that year He gave us for me to grow as I did.

My painful time of the break up taught me so much and now I know that I know- I am called; I am chosen for I have chosen to say He can have my all.

That man, he is one so full of actions and so hard for him to say the words. He tends to shoot for Russia (other side of the world) and lands on the moon instead. I try to shoot for the Jupiter and land on the moon- farther than if I never dreamed big.

Thank you God for this year with this man.

Thank you God for the most Godly break up I’ve ever had.

Thank you God for allowing pain in our lives to grow us or even show us the growth when we cannot see it for ourselves.

So dear Reader,

Continue on this journey with me of self-discovery and defining ourselves by His mirror. You and I are beautiful in His sight. We are beloved. We are FREE.

Growing in Him a little more every day,

Rebekah M.