Building My Future

I’m considering the journal Scribe Bible Journal. I’m not sure if any has tried it yet? Any thoughts?

All I know is yesterday I spent HOURS hashing over my financial goals- what are my real goals for myself and a few other things.

Finances: I gotta pay off these student loans. my exbf was obsessed about them not even knowing their true amount. He even talked of helping me pay them off in the weeks leading up before he broke up with me. I had honestly thought he was going to be my soft place to land… that with his help I could finally just finish them off in 1.5rys… but I don’t need him or anyone other than God and I have to finally accept that as truth for my life. Without any extra payments it’ll take another 8.5yrs. With extra payments if I get aggressive it should take another 3 years. At this point I’ve already trimmed it down to 8yrs with a few moves and since I couldn’t pay during my residency years the amount I paid off in excess these last 2 years only covered what had been added on from accrued interest but I’m hoping with God’s help, I’ll pay them off even before my anticipated aggressive goal of “shortly before 2023.”

Emotional Health:
– I need to embrace that I hurt from this break up. I loved him, so VERY deeply. Part of me still wishes he’d just wake up and realize that together, we can take on the world together- keeping each other laughing, him happily humming, me dancing around loving all the hedgies (I am obsessed with hedgehogs).. but he hasn’t come back and there are no assurances he ever will. I need to accept that it hurts but…
– I WILL be okay. I never needed a man and I need to make myself wake up that I still don’t- but I do want one. And I have to believe that God’s Word is true- Delight thyself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. So Lord- give me YOUR desires for my heart. Either finally bring Isaac in Your timing or just PLEASE, please take away this desire to finally be loved by a man. Please.

Life issues: I really really gotta get some annoying paperwork done in my life. I’m so inundated with paperwork at work that I put off stuff for my own life- but I’m ready now. I’m on vacation currently but I’m going to go back to home- ready to take back the last few things I have to do to finally take control of my life. Having filled out some forms here and even got my passport picture taken.

Physical Health: this is MY priority. My exbf got honestly… overbearing about it at times… but that is my past. I’m going to look forward to my future and continue my weekly hikes as well as hopefully start incorporating more of the BodyFX videos I bought in my every day. If I ever let a man back in, he NEEDS to RESPECT the gains I make and just be supportive when I’m sick.

Spiritual health/Life goals: I’m going on a 40 day fast starting Monday – to finally hash out my dreams in Christ. I realized I finally accomplished my goal to become a doctor but what is my NEXT dream- clearly becoming a wife/mother is NOT gonna happen any time soon. I can’t just make someone love me even though I can make an amazing japanese curry and even homemade butter from scratch and happen to also be a doctor. But… who am I then? I’ve dreamed so long to become a “mrs.” that I realize… I gotta stop this. I have GOT to get a new dream that isn’t going to be dependent on any man or other person to make it happen- I can only rely on Jesus.

So pray with me folks. Fast with me even if you want- let’s pray together for God to start opening our eyes to His dreams for our futures.

This is likely the most raw, unedited version of me you’ve met in all these years, but here I am- ready to walk forward in His future for me. I dream of a medical missions yearly – maybe more if He wills- but I long for a man to serve beside… can He finally help me put that to the side? I cannot live life wishing for something that’s completely beyond my control.

Searching for my way in Him,

Rebekah M.

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