One year ago – missed by ONE day – I went to an urgent care because I was incredibly sick and barely able to walk the 10ft to my kitchen without getting dizzy.

Today, I went yet once again- not quiet as sick, but knowing- I could have avoided this. I’m a doctor- I know my lungs are just different than most people’s lungs. I SHOULD have been using a steroid inhaler but in trying to get rid of my student loans quickly, I decided to cut corners and not get the $30/month steroid inhaler. In all honesty, I realized that if I was doctoring me, I’d tell myself- stop being like this and just start it mid-September and stop in mid-May. Esp if I get the doctor to write 1-2 puffs BID I could get it cut down to just $120/year which would be totally worth it to not have this happen again while her not lying about how much I know I’m going to use (just 1 puff twice a day).

My ex texted me earlier today after I got back from Urgent Care “Hows it going?” I made some small talk and mentioned I wouldn’t be in church tonight… he immediately asked “You sick?” – he still knows me so well- only sickness or being out of town makes me miss church. He immediately offered to get me soup or anything else I might need. We worked out that I would make him peanut butter from scratch in exchange for some ramen.

I miss him.

I kept joking that his life is better with me since I helped him save $200 on a flight to London and gave him some wasabi almonds that are super yummie but both times his response was “maybe.”

That will be the last time I joke like that… I can’t keep putting my heart out there like that.

I have to finally accept he’s just a nice guy. He’s just extending friendship. I have to stop wishing he’d wake up and realize our love was great enough and worth it enough for any of his fears. I live by “better to have loved truly and deeply and lose them, than to never have loved before” but with his dad’s loss in his teens he just can’t. I wish so badly he could see that he is not his mom. He would not be broken from a loss of me, he is so much stronger than he thinks- and most importantly he’s not God- my days are numbered by Christ, not his fears

Perhaps he’ll wake up and come back, trusting God for all the above, but if not – I just have to keep going – working on the things that have held me back from my dreams- my student loans, my health, my hatred of paperwork for things in my life that I need.

I did one BIG one yesterday before my sickness got so bad… and I’m proud of myself. This is the first step I needed to start my dreams again. I’ve bought a few things to try to get me to who I want to be – a panda planner that helps you plan your month/day and reflect back on the week in a positive light. I also got a rocket fusion and as noted before, started to bible journal. All thanks to my generous mom and dad’s birthday gift.

I want to be a better me.

For too long, anxiety and fear has ruled my life. It started in medical school where they beat me down mentally from day one- the bullying and fear mongering by the highest levels even continued into graduation –

“If ANY of you, ANY OF YOU, decide to whoop, make a spectacle, or anything else we deem inappropriate, WE STILL HAVE YOUR DIPLOMAS. WE DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE IT TO YOU. TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.”

I had chest pain the whole week until 2 days of having my diploma by me- finally the reality that my hell was over finally sinking in… only to get bullied by a senior resident who hated my guts for 2 years straight.

During my 3rd year of residency one of the attendings turned to me and stated “you know Dr _____, you’ve really changed a lot this last year.” All I could do is look at her and think “don’t you see that the person you subjected me to for TWO YEARS is gone now?” but instead I just quietly thanked her and left.

So… the doctor told me to take off work until wednesday and I think I’m going to take him up on this. I needed to heal from the break up and I think I need to let my body recover from sickness…. I also believe that IF I can recover well from this quickly, it will show my exbf (if there’s any sliver of hope for us still) that my getting sick doesn’t have to be the end of the world in the future… that I just need to honor my body and my limitations as I tell other patients to do.

To be honest our break up left me unable to sleep well for most nights of the last month so it is unsurprising I got this sick. I don’t think i can ever reveal that though since it could make him feel even more that he shouldn’t be with me for risk of hurting me a second time…. but he’s gonna hurt someone one way or the other- that’s what true love actually is about- loving them even while having so much to forgive…  I wonder if I could convince him to let me volunteer as tribute (heh heh)

So Readers,

Pray for me please? I cannot allow my body to get THAT sick again. And if you get sick, take the time for yourself to heal up and go see the doctor if you’re getting bad. I have asthma so it can get pretty bad quickly.

Healing up in Him,

Rebekah M.

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