Archive by Author | Rebekah M

I Didn’t Say Yes (Part 1)

The Me Too movement has been going on for quite some time now and has brought about conversations on consent among many, on and offline. The conversations I have had, few as they are, have delved deep into a place I have tried to pretend didn’t exist.

You see, as a “good Christian girl” I have tried to stay pure and not have sex. As my “Visions” series showed years ago though- although I haven’t had full on sex- I have done much more than I ever should have and I never dreamed I would have done outside the confines of marriage when I first set out dating.

As a child, I thought I’d meet a man, we’d fall madly in love, get married summer between undergrad and med school, and then have a glorious reign as a power couple in church; both still virgins who never kissed until the alter.

This, however, did not happen.

I found myself 26, never having held a man’s hand before, and desperately wondering how was I that ugly and unattractive that almost no man wanted to date me.

And so when my first boyfriend came along, I caved in with kisses (after he stole my first kiss) and eventually more. And with the 2nd I gave in some more. Each one pulling more from me than the first and each one leaving part of me with them- forever gone are things I’ll never get back.

The worst time though- the worst – was when one of my ex-boyfriends did something that I did not say yes to. I didn’t say “no” either- I was frozen. In shock that this thing- his thing – was in part of me. Not **there** but still… in me. I didn’t get to say yes or no to it. He just… did it and I was crushed under the weight of him, under the weight of what he was doing, literally, physically and mentally unable to utter a word or even able to push him off of me.

And the shame- the deep deep shame. How could I, a Christian female, tell anyone what he had done? It was MY FAULT for allowing myself to be in a situation where he felt at liberty to do that- to put that – in places I didn’t ask for it to be.

It wasn’t rape in my book- I didn’t object, I didn’t even try to push him off so he couldn’t have known at the time. I just laid there, unable to move or speak, and before I knew it it was over. He was out of me and I was left unsure.

Afterwards, excited, he asked me if I liked it and “wasn’t it so great?”

I halfheartedly said “yeah”

The overwhelming shame silenced me from saying anything further.

The guilt of having allowed myself to be in a place where what he had done was even possible ate me to my core. In my head it was MY FAULT that I let my boyfriend of the time think it would be an okay action to try on me.

He apparently eventually blamed me as well. Months later as we were breaking up, he disgustedly look at me to tell me how gross I was for wanting **THAT** after church services – after I was begging for him to just hold my hand. Apparently I was a temptress who only led him to do bad things. It was the only time I yelled at a man other than my father in my adulthood.

“I don’t want that! I just want you to hold my hand!” I screamed, but he was sure: I wanted *almost* sex apparently all day, every day, especially after church, even though we hadn’t even held hands in weeks.

I’m still working through some of this with my counselor. At some point, I’ll have the courage to tell my current boyfriend. For now, his assurances I don’t have to tell him anything until I’m ready make me feel safe.

He has never tried to even hold my hand since pastor told him not to, and the safety I feel with him honoring that I cannot explain. It is SO invaluable to me, having lived through what I did. To know that he will honor that level of not being physically intimate yet, until he’s more sure of if he loves me/wants to marry me, tells me that I would be safe from ever being in a situation like that with him.

I write this in tears, so thankful for this man who I’m dating now, and so grateful for a God who can heal even the deepest of wounds. I have given that guilt, shame, pain, and fear to Him- and He has given me back beauty for such horrible, ugly ashes.

I need time for this amazing man to prove that my heart, my honor, and my body are safe with him. That he won’t push me to places I don’t want to go; that he won’t put things in places that I haven’t asked for them to be; that he won’t be among the males who have walked away from me, leaving me broken in their dust.

If you dear reader, have had a similar situation- if you have shame for allowing yourself to be in a place where a man feels at liberty to put **that** in any place you never asked for it to be (or a woman felt at liberty to put *you* in places you didn’t ask to be) – but you didn’t fight, you didn’t even say no, so you don’t feel calling it rape is accurate either – know you are not alone. Also, know that God has such deep levels of love, compassion, and healing for you- as He did me. I could not be in the relationship that I am in currently if it wasn’t for His healing power.

You are not alone.

Your healing can start today.

Jesus,
I ask You now, You know who’s reading this. You know who searched for something to speak to their situation. So speak to them now- help them know that just one word – Your name – Jesus – can heal them. By Your stripes we are healed! You healed this place of deep pain for me, and I know You can for them. In Jesus name, I release Your healing in their heart, mind, and soul right now and I pray You lead them to the right people to help them continue on this journey of healing.

In Jesus name,

Amen.

Rebekah M

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Time Will Tell

Since my last post SO much has transpired (as it should in the half a year it’s been!). I have literally been so suicidal I had a plan on how I would will kill myself. I finally got put in touch with a christian counselor and she’s been such a blessing for me. I’ve needed to have someone that I speak with professionally who can help me have HEALTHY relationships.

Work has been a bumpy road. I worked very very very hard for work and have now been out a whole week due to illness. I have not been this sick since age 16. Just walking to my kitchen has me winded and slightly dizzy at times.

However… I do have a development that I want to share with you all: my new boyfriend. This came out of left field for me- as I even told my pastor. We were just friends- the best of friends, but JUST friends. He, being 10 years my junior, never hit my radar as someone who would want to pursue a relationship with me and so I didn’t hold back. I was me- all silly, child-like, harassing me – and he likes me for it. Not since my teens have I REALLY let my walls be completely gone- not hiding any bit of ME from another.

Pastor told him to GO SLOW and advised him not to hold hands or even hug me yet. Extreme I know- but working with the counselor I realized, exactly what >> I need << . If we make it to marriage and he had to wait that long for so much of the physical forms of affection, it’ll help reassure me along the way that he’s in it for ME, and not what he can get out of me.

The last guy… we did more than we should.. and directly after that happened he pulled back. He stopped nightly videochatting with me, he stopped saying he loved me. He broke my heart so badly. I still haven’t had sex- but I gave in to his arguments that we should kiss… and more. I thought since he was telling me things like “i’ve never been so in love with anyone” and “I love you more every day” that it meant he was safe – that it meant he was truly in this long term so it was safe to be doing what we did- but clearly I was wrong.

So.. I need this man to GO SLOW. Let me truly know that I am the Rachel to his Jacob. That I am the Rebekah to his Isaac. That I am the Ruth to his Boaz. Worth the effort; worth the wait; worth fighting for.

And so far… it seems he’s showing all the signs he could be the one. I have deeply longed for a man who would honor my father and want to learn and glean from him. My father is an amazing man. We may not always get along 100%, but I respect him, my pastor, and my brother the most in this world. Those three men are ones who watch out for my soul and hold deep wisdom. And the day after he met my dad (and got permission to date me from him), he texted my dad and asked if he wanted to meet up and get to know his story better. They talked for HOURS at my church. We didn’t even end up talking that day (except via text), but he chatted with my dad face to face for HOURS.

This is what I’ve always longed for.

The moment my best friend asked me out, I told him he had to ask my dad and my pastor for permission and my pastor in turn told him he needed to seek permission from his mom and his former pastor (he moved here and joined my church in may, about a month after my ex and I broke up). That man got it all done within five days- he did not dilly dally! haa haa 🙂

It has been some very interesting weeks since. Before we were dating there were no rules on us and so we met up often, almost daily towards the end. Now, we need to have someone else with us and that can be difficult to find and I’ve been very busy with work stuff so for week 2, we saw each other only as he was taking me to urgent care due to how sick I was.

However, he has been caring, celebrating of the small moments with me (instead of getting angry with me and calling me childish as one ex had done), fun, bratty, and full of adventure.

So I don’t know if he’s the one, but he’s worked hard to create a base for a love story that I have always dreamed of, but lost hope in ever being part of.

The thing I love the most is that I told him I was suicidal after the last breakup (a big part of it was pressure from work to be honest) and his response has been to make sure that I stay emotionally safe enough that if I were ever to lose him (either from a break up or death), that I would be able to keep going even if I lost him.

I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such a man, but I believe him to be sincere since he has been this sweet and caring even before we were dating. Having 5 months of friendship under the belt really has made a big difference in this relationship. I’ve never felt this at ease with a man and yet just… truly adore him.

I can see myself marrying him one day… as long as he doesn’t change. However, as I’ve learned time and time again – only time will tell.

Jesus,

I think You’re in this but if You aren’t- please pull us apart now. If this is Your Will, draw us closer every day as we have been. However, YOUR WILL be done above my own. I’m SO DONE with doing things and dating my way, I’m ready to submit to even the strictest of dating standards if this means that I’ll finally either marry the right man or have the nicest break up I’ve ever had. Either way Lord- have YOUR way.

Rebekah M.

Things My Exes Taught Me

I broke up with the latest guy last night. He went from THE most incredible, loving, sweet, attentive, amazing man I had ever dated to just this COLD, MEAN, RUDE man. I had never thought the man who was a youth pastor, right hand to his pastor, and pillar of his church district would be the same man to voice “Don’t you get it?! Haven’t you been listening?! I told you WEEKS AGO, every time you tell me a story about God I believe less! You haven’t been listening to me for WEEKS NOW. I tried to break up with you weeks ago and you weren’t listening then and it seems like you’re only FINALLY listening to me now!”

Three weeks ago I begged him- if he wasn’t into us, if he truly did not enjoy talking to me then we should see other people. I told him that he deserved to be with a woman he liked to talk to and I deserved to be with a man who loved me and loved to hear from me. So I gave him a choice- we could try for two more weeks or we could break up. His response: “I don’t enjoy talking to you and I can’t see that changing.” I did not interpret that as “Ok, let’s break up.” I did interpret him agreeing to two more weeks as an “ok, let’s try, I’ll be busy with this BIG thing, but let’s give it a little more time to see if we can get along better.”

His words broke my heart.

I loved him more deeply than any man before him. I respected him more highly than all who came before. He could do no wrong in my book at first… and then even when things started to put chinks in his armor – I still believed his core self to be one who would either call things off honorably, or continue getting to know each other. Why he chose this destructive, mean, horrible way of breaking up is SO confusing and unlike who I believed him to be- but everything he said last night made me think I never knew him. That he was never the Godly, sweet, loving, amazing man that I believed him to be. A selfless, loving man would never had said what he said to me.

So what have I learned?

Ex #1 – I deserve better than verbal and emotionally abusive treatment

Ex #2 – some guys only want to date for a time of adventure but just short term

unofficial Ex#3 – if they don’t believe in God, don’t even entertain the thought or God might even send a prophet from Taiwan to tell your praying parents LOL (see my “the visions” series from 2012)

official Ex #3 – just because he begs for a chance to date you doesn’t mean he’ll follow through on his words

Ex #4 – they may look spiritual and sold out for the kingdom, but by their fruits you shall know them

I grew though. I grew SO much from this last relationship- Ex #3 and I restarted my prayer life, Ex #4 helped me be more consistent with my bible reading and dug into my major insecurity issues. If God can provide so much, why have I had such major doubts He could provide a husband in His timing? because I have felt so ugly, unwanted, unlovable, and at times even felt physically disgusting to myself.

But God loves me in a way that covers it all. I do have beauty- beauty that the RIGHT man will see. One who will be just as happy and enthused when I speak of the wonders of Christ. One who won’t get angry with me for saying “thank you Jesus” even for the green lights, but fall in love with me more. One who will be my ministry partner.

Finding hope in my new ashes,

Rebekah M.

Doing It All Wrong

For months I have been dating an amazing man. He has made me a better person; but he is now burnt out from all my fears and insecurities.

I love him and I am broken at the thought that he said he is bored with me and (it feels like) he is  ready to call it quits.

I do not know how to move forward from here. From the time he pulled back A LOT up until now, I’ve been acting out in fear. We had a pretty good weekend together and I ruined the good that was starting up again by asking him if he was “still in this with me.”

His actions said yes, but part of me needed to hear that he was- and it pushed him more away.

I’ve had to take my fears to God and you know what? It should have been there this whole time. God reminded me of when He called a prophet to tell my parents when I was dating a guy not in church- the prophet knew NOTHING about me other than I was my parent’s daughter and yet knew so much that he was never told. So if He could do that, why have I been so worried about this guy walking away from me?

Because he’s been my rock for months now. I have been through hell and back and he stood behind me, holding me up- but he’s so tired now. My love wore himself out trying to be what I needed because both of us should have been going to the Source of all Strength together instead- but we didn’t. I leaned on him and he was eaten up.

I’m going to the King now.

I need Jesus to finally have His full, rightful place between us. We were much better when we were reading the bible together- excitedly seeing things that we’d never seen in the Word before- together. But that fell away.

What if he does walk away?

I will always love and respect him for that time we shared when it was good, but I know that God has me. Each guy I’ve dated has been of better quality- this man being tops so far. Even with his pulling back- he’s not evil for doing so, he’s just uncertain if he thinks I should play a permanent role in his life. He has a right to wonder.

I just truly believe that we can have that chemistry of laughter and humor that he is longing for- just not when his words have made me try to artificially be funny. I’m trying too hard and it’s showing. I don’t know how to fix this, but I do know that if he walks- he has a right to and I just need to be thankful for the times we did share.

In the mean time, he’s voiced things that I know need prayer and fasting so if you readers could- take a moment (or more!) to please pray for this precious man and myself.

Jesus,

I’m sorry for putting this man first for a time. It ruined our relationship. I don’t know how to find the way back (if that’s even possible) but You know what’s best for both of us. Hold us in Your arms now Jesus and just fix what should be fixed and allow to break what needs to break. Mold me and make me better- whether for this relationship or another. I truly, finally, accept and trust that You can manage even my romantic relationships. I’m so sorry for my doubt. I’m so sorry for placing him above You for a bit. I’m so thankful You’re always right there for me, waiting.

In Him,

Rebekah M.

My Best Self

I got in a fight with someone today. In the end, it was mainly more we are both under LOTs of stress and neither are communicating well with each other on things. I called my boyfriend up to discuss the situation and he did exactly what I knew he’d do- analyze it completely and not take sides. If anything, he took the other person’s side! haa haa!

I mentioned in my post about the perfect mate and how Jesus is my Picard that I need to mold to Him so that I can be my best self. With this man, I find he’s helping me be that.  He encourages me to be my most Christ-like self. He helped me use words for peace and bridging the gap when all I wanted to do was tell them off but the God side of me wanted reconciliation.

I’ve never had a man in my life that I trusted his counsel and wisdom to this level. Who’s perspective I not only want, but need. I am such a very emotional creature. I love with my whole heart and mere words can cut it deeply. He’s so logical and although he can feel emotions deeply, he doesn’t usually let them affect his actions.

To be honest, typically it would have taken a few days to get me to the point where he got me in a few hours. I was SO hurt and offended by the words from the other person that I could barely see straight in the situation. Part of me knew I should extend grace and forgiveness, but part of me was just offended and hurt. He helped me get past that mess to get to the healing.

All these weeks I just keep thinking: I’m so lucky. He’s truly the most handsome man I’ve ever dated. He tells me I’m beautiful almost every day. He and I started reading the bible together daily at his leading. He makes sure I know he thinks I’m worth every effort he puts forth for me and more.

To have a man in my life who loves God, cares for me so deeply, and pushes me to be my best self… I feel so beyond blessed.

Jesus, 

Thank You for this new man. Thank You for someone who’s as kind, gentle, patient, and sweet to me as he is. Thank You that he tries to put You first and pushes me to be my best self. 

Thank You Jesus,

Rebekah M.

 

related link: https://beingrebekah.com/2015/02/24/the-perfect-mate-jesus-is-my-picard/

Better is One Day

My last post in September was actually the beginning of a very painful, hard time in my life. After experiencing the loss of my college choir director suddenly and unexpectedly, our church here on the West coast lost our piano player in the middle of service and my sister in law’s father passed away two weeks after that. With a series of funerals to go to and the middle one being very traumatic (I’ll get into that below), God sent me a man to help carry me through. He’s been the most wonderful surprise in my life and I cannot thank God enough for him. I don’t know if he’s a “forever” or a “right now” but I hope God has him as my “forever.” Regardless, that’s a post for another day.

Better is one day in Your courts. Better is one day in Your house.

Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere.

Sunday night, our beloved piano player- young, incredibly talented, good husband and father to a 2 year old- finished playing that song with all his heart as he always did and then dropped to the ground essentially dead. We did not know it at the time but a brain aneurysm had burst. As the doctor in the congregation I ran up there and had to take over. There was so much confusion and my heart literally broke when I started CPR, trying in desperation to save my friend as his wife cried on the side, scared for her love. I cannot explain the depth of how that broke me.

It took much time and many good people (including the new guy) to let God work in me… But I’ve begun to breathe again. I’ve begun to live again. That girl who had never had to face death in the light of her friends lost two so quickly and one in such proximity.

We felt his pulse go. The nurse who lept to help.

We felt his pulse slip away.

It took so long to get over that. It took so many days of prayer, tears, brokenness, and loss…. But God. In His infinite wisdom He set up my parents to come to town anyhow right when I needed them most. He sent me what I needed, when I needed and now I can see the truth: better is one day in His courts, for He provides, He watches over, He heals, He delivers.

Imagine!!! To be worshipping God here on Earth, serving in His earthy kingdom, and then to open your eyes and you’re in THE throne room???

Better is one day my God. Better is one day Jesus!

He had been planning to start a business soon so he and his family had just moved into a mobile home and set it up. The mortgage was very very reasonable and they were already planning on living off her income for a while. What provision God provides!

I don’t fully understand His ways, but I know this: better is one day in His courts, serving Him, than thousands elsewhere.

Rebekah M

Hurting heart

I keep thinking I’ll post about what I learned from my exes but work, church, and life consume me.

This past week I found out a friend from my college days passed away. She was my youth choir director and I lived with her and her family for a summer after college.

So full of vibrant life, she overcame weight issues to inspire others to be healthier today and live for God every day.

The weight of the loss. The weight of the guilt of not visiting sooner. The weight of knowing that as a doctor, I know better… It hurts.

I’ve been praying in Mandarin with my parents. They’re trying to help me learn it better for my church and my professional life. I asked them recently how to say “heals the broken hearted” in Mandarin and it literally translates to heals the broken to pieces heart/soul.

God,

Heal all of our broken to pieces hearts. Mine aches at times, knowing how much so many must be hurting. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I still can’t believe I didn’t take time sooner to go visit. As a doctor, I know better. I know tomorrow isn’t promised.

Help us live every day for You.

Help us shine brightly for you as she did.

Help us bring many along with us to heaven so they can meet those like her.

Jesus, heal the broken to pieces hearts/souls.

Broken in Him,

Rebekah M