Archive by Author | Rebekah M

Things My Exes Taught Me

I broke up with the latest guy last night. He went from THE most incredible, loving, sweet, attentive, amazing man I had ever dated to just this COLD, MEAN, RUDE man. I had never thought the man who was a youth pastor, right hand to his pastor, and pillar of his church district would be the same man to voice “Don’t you get it?! Haven’t you been listening?! I told you WEEKS AGO, every time you tell me a story about God I believe less! You haven’t been listening to me for WEEKS NOW. I tried to break up with you weeks ago and you weren’t listening then and it seems like you’re only FINALLY listening to me now!”

Three weeks ago I begged him- if he wasn’t into us, if he truly did not enjoy talking to me then we should see other people. I told him that he deserved to be with a woman he liked to talk to and I deserved to be with a man who loved me and loved to hear from me. So I gave him a choice- we could try for two more weeks or we could break up. His response: “I don’t enjoy talking to you and I can’t see that changing.” I did not interpret that as “Ok, let’s break up.” I did interpret him agreeing to two more weeks as an “ok, let’s try, I’ll be busy with this BIG thing, but let’s give it a little more time to see if we can get along better.”

His words broke my heart.

I loved him more deeply than any man before him. I respected him more highly than all who came before. He could do no wrong in my book at first… and then even when things started to put chinks in his armor – I still believed his core self to be one who would either call things off honorably, or continue getting to know each other. Why he chose this destructive, mean, horrible way of breaking up is SO confusing and unlike who I believed him to be- but everything he said last night made me think I never knew him. That he was never the Godly, sweet, loving, amazing man that I believed him to be. A selfless, loving man would never had said what he said to me.

So what have I learned?

Ex #1 – I deserve better than verbal and emotionally abusive treatment

Ex #2 – some guys only want to date for a time of adventure but just short term

unofficial Ex#3 – if they don’t believe in God, don’t even entertain the thought or God might even send a prophet from Taiwan to tell your praying parents LOL (see my “the visions” series from 2012)

official Ex #3 – just because he begs for a chance to date you doesn’t mean he’ll follow through on his words

Ex #4 – they may look spiritual and sold out for the kingdom, but by their fruits you shall know them

I grew though. I grew SO much from this last relationship- Ex #3 and I restarted my prayer life, Ex #4 helped me be more consistent with my bible reading and dug into my major insecurity issues. If God can provide so much, why have I had such major doubts He could provide a husband in His timing? because I have felt so ugly, unwanted, unlovable, and at times even felt physically disgusting to myself.

But God loves me in a way that covers it all. I do have beauty- beauty that the RIGHT man will see. One who will be just as happy and enthused when I speak of the wonders of Christ. One who won’t get angry with me for saying “thank you Jesus” even for the green lights, but fall in love with me more. One who will be my ministry partner.

Finding hope in my new ashes,

Rebekah M.

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Doing It All Wrong

For months I have been dating an amazing man. He has made me a better person; but he is now burnt out from all my fears and insecurities.

I love him and I am broken at the thought that he said he is bored with me and (it feels like) he is  ready to call it quits.

I do not know how to move forward from here. From the time he pulled back A LOT up until now, I’ve been acting out in fear. We had a pretty good weekend together and I ruined the good that was starting up again by asking him if he was “still in this with me.”

His actions said yes, but part of me needed to hear that he was- and it pushed him more away.

I’ve had to take my fears to God and you know what? It should have been there this whole time. God reminded me of when He called a prophet to tell my parents when I was dating a guy not in church- the prophet knew NOTHING about me other than I was my parent’s daughter and yet knew so much that he was never told. So if He could do that, why have I been so worried about this guy walking away from me?

Because he’s been my rock for months now. I have been through hell and back and he stood behind me, holding me up- but he’s so tired now. My love wore himself out trying to be what I needed because both of us should have been going to the Source of all Strength together instead- but we didn’t. I leaned on him and he was eaten up.

I’m going to the King now.

I need Jesus to finally have His full, rightful place between us. We were much better when we were reading the bible together- excitedly seeing things that we’d never seen in the Word before- together. But that fell away.

What if he does walk away?

I will always love and respect him for that time we shared when it was good, but I know that God has me. Each guy I’ve dated has been of better quality- this man being tops so far. Even with his pulling back- he’s not evil for doing so, he’s just uncertain if he thinks I should play a permanent role in his life. He has a right to wonder.

I just truly believe that we can have that chemistry of laughter and humor that he is longing for- just not when his words have made me try to artificially be funny. I’m trying too hard and it’s showing. I don’t know how to fix this, but I do know that if he walks- he has a right to and I just need to be thankful for the times we did share.

In the mean time, he’s voiced things that I know need prayer and fasting so if you readers could- take a moment (or more!) to please pray for this precious man and myself.

Jesus,

I’m sorry for putting this man first for a time. It ruined our relationship. I don’t know how to find the way back (if that’s even possible) but You know what’s best for both of us. Hold us in Your arms now Jesus and just fix what should be fixed and allow to break what needs to break. Mold me and make me better- whether for this relationship or another. I truly, finally, accept and trust that You can manage even my romantic relationships. I’m so sorry for my doubt. I’m so sorry for placing him above You for a bit. I’m so thankful You’re always right there for me, waiting.

In Him,

Rebekah M.

My Best Self

I got in a fight with someone today. In the end, it was mainly more we are both under LOTs of stress and neither are communicating well with each other on things. I called my boyfriend up to discuss the situation and he did exactly what I knew he’d do- analyze it completely and not take sides. If anything, he took the other person’s side! haa haa!

I mentioned in my post about the perfect mate and how Jesus is my Picard that I need to mold to Him so that I can be my best self. With this man, I find he’s helping me be that.  He encourages me to be my most Christ-like self. He helped me use words for peace and bridging the gap when all I wanted to do was tell them off but the God side of me wanted reconciliation.

I’ve never had a man in my life that I trusted his counsel and wisdom to this level. Who’s perspective I not only want, but need. I am such a very emotional creature. I love with my whole heart and mere words can cut it deeply. He’s so logical and although he can feel emotions deeply, he doesn’t usually let them affect his actions.

To be honest, typically it would have taken a few days to get me to the point where he got me in a few hours. I was SO hurt and offended by the words from the other person that I could barely see straight in the situation. Part of me knew I should extend grace and forgiveness, but part of me was just offended and hurt. He helped me get past that mess to get to the healing.

All these weeks I just keep thinking: I’m so lucky. He’s truly the most handsome man I’ve ever dated. He tells me I’m beautiful almost every day. He and I started reading the bible together daily at his leading. He makes sure I know he thinks I’m worth every effort he puts forth for me and more.

To have a man in my life who loves God, cares for me so deeply, and pushes me to be my best self… I feel so beyond blessed.

Jesus, 

Thank You for this new man. Thank You for someone who’s as kind, gentle, patient, and sweet to me as he is. Thank You that he tries to put You first and pushes me to be my best self. 

Thank You Jesus,

Rebekah M.

 

related link: https://beingrebekah.com/2015/02/24/the-perfect-mate-jesus-is-my-picard/

Better is One Day

My last post in September was actually the beginning of a very painful, hard time in my life. After experiencing the loss of my college choir director suddenly and unexpectedly, our church here on the West coast lost our piano player in the middle of service and my sister in law’s father passed away two weeks after that. With a series of funerals to go to and the middle one being very traumatic (I’ll get into that below), God sent me a man to help carry me through. He’s been the most wonderful surprise in my life and I cannot thank God enough for him. I don’t know if he’s a “forever” or a “right now” but I hope God has him as my “forever.” Regardless, that’s a post for another day.

Better is one day in Your courts. Better is one day in Your house.

Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere.

Sunday night, our beloved piano player- young, incredibly talented, good husband and father to a 2 year old- finished playing that song with all his heart as he always did and then dropped to the ground essentially dead. We did not know it at the time but a brain aneurysm had burst. As the doctor in the congregation I ran up there and had to take over. There was so much confusion and my heart literally broke when I started CPR, trying in desperation to save my friend as his wife cried on the side, scared for her love. I cannot explain the depth of how that broke me.

It took much time and many good people (including the new guy) to let God work in me… But I’ve begun to breathe again. I’ve begun to live again. That girl who had never had to face death in the light of her friends lost two so quickly and one in such proximity.

We felt his pulse go. The nurse who lept to help.

We felt his pulse slip away.

It took so long to get over that. It took so many days of prayer, tears, brokenness, and loss…. But God. In His infinite wisdom He set up my parents to come to town anyhow right when I needed them most. He sent me what I needed, when I needed and now I can see the truth: better is one day in His courts, for He provides, He watches over, He heals, He delivers.

Imagine!!! To be worshipping God here on Earth, serving in His earthy kingdom, and then to open your eyes and you’re in THE throne room???

Better is one day my God. Better is one day Jesus!

He had been planning to start a business soon so he and his family had just moved into a mobile home and set it up. The mortgage was very very reasonable and they were already planning on living off her income for a while. What provision God provides!

I don’t fully understand His ways, but I know this: better is one day in His courts, serving Him, than thousands elsewhere.

Rebekah M

Hurting heart

I keep thinking I’ll post about what I learned from my exes but work, church, and life consume me.

This past week I found out a friend from my college days passed away. She was my youth choir director and I lived with her and her family for a summer after college.

So full of vibrant life, she overcame weight issues to inspire others to be healthier today and live for God every day.

The weight of the loss. The weight of the guilt of not visiting sooner. The weight of knowing that as a doctor, I know better… It hurts.

I’ve been praying in Mandarin with my parents. They’re trying to help me learn it better for my church and my professional life. I asked them recently how to say “heals the broken hearted” in Mandarin and it literally translates to heals the broken to pieces heart/soul.

God,

Heal all of our broken to pieces hearts. Mine aches at times, knowing how much so many must be hurting. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I still can’t believe I didn’t take time sooner to go visit. As a doctor, I know better. I know tomorrow isn’t promised.

Help us live every day for You.

Help us shine brightly for you as she did.

Help us bring many along with us to heaven so they can meet those like her.

Jesus, heal the broken to pieces hearts/souls.

Broken in Him,

Rebekah M

Restoration

As time as gone on with the new guy, things keep happening to rewrite various times that in the past held memories of pain. Thanksgiving 2011 ended with me meeting my then boyfriend for dinner where he called for a break. That Christmas when he originally had planned on proposing I was single, having been broken up with via his changing his status on facebook.

This past Thanksgiving weekend, 5 years later I had a wonderful time with the new guy. It was the first time we hung out just the two of us for an extended amount of time and then joined friends afterwards for an almost 7hr hang out in total. I left that night wishing I had more time with him and we talked every day since.

Soon after, we started praying together every day for our respective jobs. He works night shift so often we have prayed together twice a day. This is a man who knows prayer. This is a man who has touched the throne of God in the past and it shows in his confidence in going to the King.

On Christmas Day, after having asked our pastor if he could date me the Wednesday before, he asked my brother (standing in for my dad who’s on the other coast of the US) if he could date me and was given his blessing as well. Almost like a kid, he shyly came up to me and said “so… your brother gave his blessing so… here in the middle of the church, would you like to become official?” It was so sweet and sincere my heart smiled as I said yes.

I don’t know for sure that this guy is my Isaac, but I do know this:

– I very much enjoy our joint prayer time, he’s a great prayer partner and I’m thankful for him and his ability to join me in seeking the One who can make all things better and new

– So far, even when it wasn’t planned specifically to be that way, milestones in our relationship have coincided with painful ones of my past- even his birthday, December 21st was a marked day of my past- I had fasted 21 days for that first boyfriend… the end of which was done living out the scripture of “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, pray for them that use you and persecute you too” since he had dumped me partway through my fast for him so on December 21, 2011 I declared it my victory day having successfully fasted for such a person and 5 years later I celebrated with my now boyfriend his birthday 🙂

– I appreciate how he treats me so much because of how poorly I have been treated in the past. I’ve been a klutz around him lately, spilling starbucks and water on him this past week. Instead of yelling at me and bursting out in anger like other guys of the past, he kept saying it was fine and not to worry about it. His patience with me, his care and concern, his prayers for me all melt my heart a little for him each time. He in turn is so thankful for me because his ex-wife was very emotionally/mentally abusive to him. My hard working, sweet, Godly, kind man was called so many things that he is not. It breaks my heart he had to endure that, but his commitment to his marriage vows (he never wanted to divorce, but she pushed for it and filed despite his trying to do anything to stop it for 3 years) tells me that he is a man who knows how to fight for a marriage and would for us if we ever got married.

– we both have had prayer journeys in our past – mine after my first break up, praying 4-6hrs daily for 3 months while his was 2hr prayer hikes daily for a year. Those intense times of prayer helped shape our respective walks with Christ and I think that’s part of what draws us to each other

All this is to say that I feel like God has called us to this time of dating to help restore each other through His guiding. I do not believe that two broken people should go into marriage, but I honestly feel like God brought us together now at a crucial time in which our prayers for and with each other are most effective in His journey of healing us both. His from the damage his ex-wife made in him and mine from the trauma of residency/past romances/long standing insecurities. I was sooo broken from so much. Earlier in 2016 I had daily suicidal thought; often the smallest pressure might send me into a panic attack. But God!

I’m surprised but thankful that God is using us to help HIM restore us respectively and I know He can do the same for you readers who need restoration. Likely it won’t be a new boyfriend/girlfriend – but God can and will restore each of you in His unique way if you’ll just let Him!

Jesus,

Bless those reading right now if they need restoration to find it in You. I pray that You restore what the locusts have eaten in Your perfect timing. Thank You for this new man in my life. Thank you for a man who would show me that he thinks i’m worth his putting his pride on the line to ask both my brother and my pastor for permission to date me. Thank you for my new daily prayer partner who tells me I’m beautiful, who’s grateful for me being in his life, who likes me just as I am- no need to change, no pressure to be anything but me. Help them seek Your Kingdom first as I have been doing and find all the other things added unto them.

In Him,

Rebekah M

Praying into His Will

I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name. ~Revelations 3:8

The day I got back from China I lost ALL my IDs. It was scary, it was freaky… but by the end of the day God assured me I was safe with Him. I still haven’t recovered them yet, but I know God’s got me because I know this is His Will to be here.

While I was in China, a guy from my church who is divorced with a daughter was one of the few who had a non-censored messaging app and we got to know each other a bit better. When I came back, he was the perfect companion for my insomnia/cold since he works nights and could text me while I was up coughing up a storm and jet lagged. Eventually he revealed he had feelings for me and wants to date.

The next day, we met up as part of a group and I mentioned that maybe I could hang out with him after a bible study and he replied maybe. 9PM rolls around and I’m at my brother’s house post-bible study where it was hosted and the guy texted me saying he was outside the church (where it is normally held) and could hang out if I wanted. He eventually revealed with prompting that his daughter was with him- I freaked out. I asked for us to take a step back and pray if this was God’s Will because to involve his daughter this early into things was more than I could handle. The weight of how things would affect her if it wasn’t God’s Will was more than I want to bear.

In all our time talking, I just couldn’t get why this guy was divorced. I asked him about his dating process with his ex-wife- decent timeline. I asked him if he prayed about her, he said yes repeatedly. I asked him if there were any warning signs and he said nothing major. I have continued to ask him about it including today… but today I think we might have found the big thing: praying into God’s Will.

He has repeatedly expressed that he has been praying to God that “I have to believe You know what You’re doing in my and [my daughter’s] life, Lord”… almost a plea to do better than before since he truly believed that God had brought his ex-wife into his life. But today I asked him one simple, but powerful question: did you pray if she was His Will?

The more we talked about her and his whole situation, the more I had the nagging suspicion that he had given God a list and asked it be fulfilled – he even had told God what name he wanted his future wife to be! To him, when this woman with his list came into his life and she even had the name he had asked for- BAM! God’s Will! But as I told him about how important it has been throughout my whole life to make sure my prayers were submitted into His Will and then ended with that question, he had to pause and could not say that he remembers actively submitting his list and his ex-wife into God’s Will, He assumed it must be because there was his list in living flesh, with even the right label!

My life has been His- step by step – even when it HURT to even THINK of things not being His Will- I have MADE myself pray that- the act of praying it into life (‘God, if this is not Your Will, please stop this, please don’t let it come to pass”)  being my way of lifting the knife to various “Isaacs” (jobs, location, schools, men; Genesis chapter 22). Each time knowing that the release of knowing that it IS His Will when things come to pass being completely freeing.

There IS a door that no one can shut but it opens only in His Will. When you are walking in the center of God’s Will, having actively submitted yourself and those things in your life into His Will, NO ONE can stop it!

Readers, 
Submit yourselves to God and His perfect Will and find yourself unstoppable. This does not mean that nothing will go wrong, but it does mean that nothing is unfixable in your life and trying times all ultimately give Him glory and work together for our good (Romans 8:28). 

Having talked with Rebekah A on this, we decided to joint blog about it so look for her Part 2 on this coming soon!

In Jesus,

Rebekah M