Archive by Author | Rebekah M

Restoration

As time as gone on with the new guy, things keep happening to rewrite various times that in the past held memories of pain. Thanksgiving 2011 ended with me meeting my then boyfriend for dinner where he called for a break. That Christmas when he originally had planned on proposing I was single, having been broken up with via his changing his status on facebook.

This past Thanksgiving weekend, 5 years later I had a wonderful time with the new guy. It was the first time we hung out just the two of us for an extended amount of time and then joined friends afterwards for an almost 7hr hang out in total. I left that night wishing I had more time with him and we talked every day since.

Soon after, we started praying together every day for our respective jobs. He works night shift so often we have prayed together twice a day. This is a man who knows prayer. This is a man who has touched the throne of God in the past and it shows in his confidence in going to the King.

On Christmas Day, after having asked our pastor if he could date me the Wednesday before, he asked my brother (standing in for my dad who’s on the other coast of the US) if he could date me and was given his blessing as well. Almost like a kid, he shyly came up to me and said “so… your brother gave his blessing so… here in the middle of the church, would you like to become official?” It was so sweet and sincere my heart smiled as I said yes.

I don’t know for sure that this guy is my Isaac, but I do know this:

– I very much enjoy our joint prayer time, he’s a great prayer partner and I’m thankful for him and his ability to join me in seeking the One who can make all things better and new

– So far, even when it wasn’t planned specifically to be that way, milestones in our relationship have coincided with painful ones of my past- even his birthday, December 21st was a marked day of my past- I had fasted 21 days for that first boyfriend… the end of which was done living out the scripture of “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, pray for them that use you and persecute you too” since he had dumped me partway through my fast for him so on December 21, 2011 I declared it my victory day having successfully fasted for such a person and 5 years later I celebrated with my now boyfriend his birthday 🙂

– I appreciate how he treats me so much because of how poorly I have been treated in the past. I’ve been a klutz around him lately, spilling starbucks and water on him this past week. Instead of yelling at me and bursting out in anger like other guys of the past, he kept saying it was fine and not to worry about it. His patience with me, his care and concern, his prayers for me all melt my heart a little for him each time. He in turn is so thankful for me because his ex-wife was very emotionally/mentally abusive to him. My hard working, sweet, Godly, kind man was called so many things that he is not. It breaks my heart he had to endure that, but his commitment to his marriage vows (he never wanted to divorce, but she pushed for it and filed despite his trying to do anything to stop it for 3 years) tells me that he is a man who knows how to fight for a marriage and would for us if we ever got married.

– we both have had prayer journeys in our past – mine after my first break up, praying 4-6hrs daily for 3 months while his was 2hr prayer hikes daily for a year. Those intense times of prayer helped shape our respective walks with Christ and I think that’s part of what draws us to each other

All this is to say that I feel like God has called us to this time of dating to help restore each other through His guiding. I do not believe that two broken people should go into marriage, but I honestly feel like God brought us together now at a crucial time in which our prayers for and with each other are most effective in His journey of healing us both. His from the damage his ex-wife made in him and mine from the trauma of residency/past romances/long standing insecurities. I was sooo broken from so much. Earlier in 2016 I had daily suicidal thought; often the smallest pressure might send me into a panic attack. But God!

I’m surprised but thankful that God is using us to help HIM restore us respectively and I know He can do the same for you readers who need restoration. Likely it won’t be a new boyfriend/girlfriend – but God can and will restore each of you in His unique way if you’ll just let Him!

Jesus,

Bless those reading right now if they need restoration to find it in You. I pray that You restore what the locusts have eaten in Your perfect timing. Thank You for this new man in my life. Thank you for a man who would show me that he thinks i’m worth his putting his pride on the line to ask both my brother and my pastor for permission to date me. Thank you for my new daily prayer partner who tells me I’m beautiful, who’s grateful for me being in his life, who likes me just as I am- no need to change, no pressure to be anything but me. Help them seek Your Kingdom first as I have been doing and find all the other things added unto them.

In Him,

Rebekah M

Praying into His Will

I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name. ~Revelations 3:8

The day I got back from China I lost ALL my IDs. It was scary, it was freaky… but by the end of the day God assured me I was safe with Him. I still haven’t recovered them yet, but I know God’s got me because I know this is His Will to be here.

While I was in China, a guy from my church who is divorced with a daughter was one of the few who had a non-censored messaging app and we got to know each other a bit better. When I came back, he was the perfect companion for my insomnia/cold since he works nights and could text me while I was up coughing up a storm and jet lagged. Eventually he revealed he had feelings for me and wants to date.

The next day, we met up as part of a group and I mentioned that maybe I could hang out with him after a bible study and he replied maybe. 9PM rolls around and I’m at my brother’s house post-bible study where it was hosted and the guy texted me saying he was outside the church (where it is normally held) and could hang out if I wanted. He eventually revealed with prompting that his daughter was with him- I freaked out. I asked for us to take a step back and pray if this was God’s Will because to involve his daughter this early into things was more than I could handle. The weight of how things would affect her if it wasn’t God’s Will was more than I want to bear.

In all our time talking, I just couldn’t get why this guy was divorced. I asked him about his dating process with his ex-wife- decent timeline. I asked him if he prayed about her, he said yes repeatedly. I asked him if there were any warning signs and he said nothing major. I have continued to ask him about it including today… but today I think we might have found the big thing: praying into God’s Will.

He has repeatedly expressed that he has been praying to God that “I have to believe You know what You’re doing in my and [my daughter’s] life, Lord”… almost a plea to do better than before since he truly believed that God had brought his ex-wife into his life. But today I asked him one simple, but powerful question: did you pray if she was His Will?

The more we talked about her and his whole situation, the more I had the nagging suspicion that he had given God a list and asked it be fulfilled – he even had told God what name he wanted his future wife to be! To him, when this woman with his list came into his life and she even had the name he had asked for- BAM! God’s Will! But as I told him about how important it has been throughout my whole life to make sure my prayers were submitted into His Will and then ended with that question, he had to pause and could not say that he remembers actively submitting his list and his ex-wife into God’s Will, He assumed it must be because there was his list in living flesh, with even the right label!

My life has been His- step by step – even when it HURT to even THINK of things not being His Will- I have MADE myself pray that- the act of praying it into life (‘God, if this is not Your Will, please stop this, please don’t let it come to pass”)  being my way of lifting the knife to various “Isaacs” (jobs, location, schools, men; Genesis chapter 22). Each time knowing that the release of knowing that it IS His Will when things come to pass being completely freeing.

There IS a door that no one can shut but it opens only in His Will. When you are walking in the center of God’s Will, having actively submitted yourself and those things in your life into His Will, NO ONE can stop it!

Readers, 
Submit yourselves to God and His perfect Will and find yourself unstoppable. This does not mean that nothing will go wrong, but it does mean that nothing is unfixable in your life and trying times all ultimately give Him glory and work together for our good (Romans 8:28). 

Having talked with Rebekah A on this, we decided to joint blog about it so look for her Part 2 on this coming soon!

In Jesus,

Rebekah M

 

Just a Shred of Hope

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. ~ Romans 15:13

I am about to embark on a trip to China tomorrow to help an international adoption agency as one of their volunteer physicians helping to convert mandarin medical files into ones prospective American families might understand in hopes of getting these children to the right, loving families. I leave knowing it is 100% His Will that I do so. When I come back, I start a new job that is so full of so much promise.

When I think back on this year, I think of how so much of my year was marked by such darkness. Such deep pain and fear that everything would fall apart because… the only way I can explain it is my soul was feeling ripped to shreds. I myself was not ever physically hurt but something in me broke. Deep within me, at the center of my being, I was shredded by continued feelings of worthlessness, fear of the future, and a strong sense that nothing good would/could happen to me. Not because God couldn’t do it, but because I wasn’t worth God’s doing good things for me. I hadn’t committed huge sins- no drugs/sex/etc but somehow it got in my head that I was hopeless and that even God did not want to help me.

I cannot tell you how everything turned around other than “because my God is good” for how I am now living the life I lead. Everything FELL into place. I am about to leave for China tomorrow and when I return, I start a new job with incredibly supportive staff and colleagues. This is a dream job for me- incredible pay, incredible location (I am living with a 5 mile radius of work, church, and my brother and his family), and the hours are supposed to be something where I can participate in life/church.

This past summer God gave me the ability to take time off and spend it with my parents. I was able to hear my dad laugh, watch my mom cook, feel their hugs that reached all the way down. Then I moved and have spent a nice month just settling in.

Every day this month I have woken  up feeling like I was living a dream. I kept wondering when I was going to wake up and find out I was still back where I had been… but that is not reality and I’m now accepting it more and more.

I was suicidal. I wanted to die. I did not make plans but I wished for death EVERY DAY for a while… yet something in me reached out to God. I procrastinated because I feared the future and yet God STILL brought it to pass. In my darkest hours, God sent that same prophet that I have spoken of in past posts to remind me that good things were about to happen. It felt so much as times that I was beyond hope and yet what tiny sliver of hope I did have in me, I used to reach out to this God of Hope. He has proven that He is over the last few months. When I could not keep going, God helped me by doing it all. I felt I was moving a snails pace in things but they still came together. God is so good. I cannot say it enough, He is SO good.

Dear readers,

The ONLY thing that can stop us from the future God has for us is ourselves- in allowing fear to stop us from doing the things we know He wants for us to do that day. I am living proof that God provides everything we need (Matt 6:25-34); that He gives us the desires of our heart (Ps 37:4) – I didn’t say God give me x,y,z- I asked that He help give me His desires for my heart. I implore you today, if you are in a desperate situation, use what ever sliver of hope you have in you to reach out to Jesus, our God of Hope, and find Him more than able to give us above and beyond all that we could ask or think- for I am living proof of it.

So thankful for this abundant life in Him,

Rebekah M

In His Timing

I’ve been asked to speak at church tomorrow and was going to put some thoughts down here about it (the topic being the above title) but had asked the guy I’m interested in the most if he’d be willing to be my soundboard and now I’m just… In our discussion about seeking to do things in God’s timing, he brought up that he actually had just bought a house. When I heard that it changed how often I would likely see him, my heart just… hurt. I had felt like finally, finally I might know for sure if something could happen between us and now… I wish I could just get over him but I just can’t seem to shake my attraction. He sent me a link and there are things about his house that looked VERY much like things I had posted to pintrest years ago for my dream house… I even looked at those posts again for this blog and it is painfully similar.

I want to just forget him.

I wish I could just finally have my heart free of this man who has me so far in the back of his mind he doesn’t even tell me he got a house.

I wish that seeing pictures of his new house didn’t make me simultaneously hope he’s actually my Isaac while also wanting to run, as fast and as far away from a guy who hasn’t spoken to me in 2 weeks and the silence only broke when I texted him to see if he’d be my soundboard.

I wish that part of me didn’t feel so let down that he no longer will be attending my brother’s church on a weekly basis and therefore I have no clue how often I’ll see him. When I asked “so does that mean I’ll never see you?” (mainly because I have a hard time thinking when I speak to him so the filter is just… gone haa!) he only said things about how he might visit the church from time to time since his brother still does as well to keep up the fellowship (they don’t have sunday night services and his brother is his pastor).

I hate how it has made me realize what level of hope I had that maybe something would finally, finally change between us is broken.

I have not posted in SO long- I have been plagued by SEVERE depression- I was passively suicidal, barely getting out of bed, almost quit multiple times. Through God’s grace I finished residency, ended up with a job that pays amazingly well and it starts in a few months.

I finally have time to put myself back together. To search through what broke me so badly. To finally deal with how the shock of my father’s cancer diagnosis was so devastating to me that, even though by God’s miracle a cancer known to kill within mere months was found early enough to be completely taken out by surgery, my heart and mind have been in a state of fear and only tonight at lady’s prayer did I start to finally feel God wash over me like He had in the past.

I told God today that I was leaving my future husband in His hands. 

The irony as I remember that hits me.

Lord,
I place this back into Your hands. I want to run. I want to erase his number from my phone and walk away. Run away more like it. But I feel you tell me to be still. Lead me in focusing on me and what You have for me to do- in reaching out to others and finding Your daily appointment with me. That moment I believe we all have in our day to be Yours hands and feet. Help me live in Your timing. 

Rebekah M.

Empty

I am so thankful for parents (and thus a mother!) who love me very much. I am thankful for a God who sends messages through a prophet to my parents about me when I need it most. I am thankful for their and His love when I don’t deserve it.

But I have to say that to myself because I just don’t feel it. I am empty, broken, poured out with nothing left within me. I am not being successful at work like I should be. I am constantly plagued with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

I have this God but He feels so far away at times- I know He’s reaching out, but why can’t I feel it? What is wrong with me that i cannot seem to reach back out to Him? I feel as if I am holding on by a thread that is breaking.

I recently was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. As I was diagnosing a patient with that last week, every answer she gave I responded in myself with a resounding “me too.”

I have been hiding this emptiness I feel within myself from almost everyone. I cannot do this anymore. I would never commit suicide since Toshi’s death was one of the hardest things I have ever had to come to terms with, but I am the walking dead.

I have been told I hide it well. I have been told no one would suspect since I am still bubbly and smiling while in public… but that is mainly because it takes every bit I have within me to do that then I go home, go to bed, and only leave when I know I would be discovered.

It feels as if I am running a marathon to shower, brush my teeth, or do any other number of normal activities of daily living. It feels so nice to only think of “this next bite, I can do that. I can handle that.” Thankfully I’m not gaining weight like crazy but mainly because I have a hard time going to the grocery store so it ends up being that I go only when my cabinets only have my unsweetened cocoa powder left essentially.

Part of me knows that God is my answer but I don’t even feel the energy within myself to pray or seek Him. I just want to lay in bed and wish that somehow, it will get better. That I will be home with my parents and the world will be right again.

That this void within me would stop overwhelming my every move.

Rebekah M.

 

Burnt Out

I recently admitted to a colleague that I feel like I have nothing left in me to give.

I feel like often you give and give and give and you just get patients hating you b/c you won’t give them the pain medication they want to destroy their lives or the heparin drip they insist on b/c they “just know” they have a clot (when they don’t and actually their blood is too thin).

They insult you, calling you honey as if you don’t know anything (while they, who have two master’s degrees NOT IN MEDICINE clearly know better).

They refuse to leave the office when you won’t give them the pain medication your fellow resident stopped previously and they let their dogs pee all over your office.

They abuse your staff, telling them to “F-off!” if they don’t get exactly what they asked for.

They won’t take their advair but they want their oxycodone every month exactly at the end of the month without fail.

And sometimes, when they finally do listen and make changes, it’s too late and they die.

Sometimes I just can’t see where else out of my soul they can rip out of me b/c it just feels like it’s already gone. . . I am beyond frustrated with this culture that makes being too obese to breathe an actual working diagnosis on a patient we had that died (gained over 100lbs in less than 6 months binge eating thousands of calories nightly on top of high caloric intake during the day).

A society that has taught our patients to expect that their pain can and should be completely taken away with medication when sometimes pain is to PROTECT- don’t rip those stitches open, don’t walk on that broken leg that should be non-weight bearing.

And then I’m stuck with fellow, lower level doctors to supervise who openly admit that they didn’t bother to look up how to calculate something b/c they knew it would be faster to ask me instead of looking it up- IN FEBRUARY. (btw- a 30 second google brought me to an online calculator which did the same but didn’t have the burden of 18 patients to oversee).

How did we end up with such a lazy, broken, soul sucking society here in America where ingesting 9,000 salty fatty calories in half a day is a real possibility and landing in the ER with oxygen levels in the 50s (it should be AT LEAST high 80s) b/c you are now attempting to lift a large child’s amount of weight off your chest every breath is a real thing?

I don’t know how many readers we have left since we’ve been so MIA, but if any of you are out there reading this and have a verse to lift me up or a prayer to give, this broken, burnt out doctor would be grateful.

Rebekah M.

Choosing to Worship… Again.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer last week.

They told me last night and my mind has been swirling ever since. I can’t imagine my life without my parents. It has felt as if the tears would never end at times. It has felt at moments like I wouldn’t be able to breathe.

Yet Jesus.

I cannot begin to explain to you just how frustrating it is to be a doctor but know I’m not the right kind of doctor to fully comprehend what my dad’s prognosis is. There are SO many factors that play into it and yet I feel God beckon me to stop looking at the “5 year survival rates” and stop trying to analyze what are his chances to make it to 70. I feel Him say to me to trust in Him.

For anyone who might have been with us in the beginning back in 2012, I started this blog and invited my friends to join me because I went through a horrible break up with my first boyfriend. I felt my world shatter at that time since I had stayed away from boys much of my life and finally, finally when I let one in he tore my heart to shreds. But God told me in that time that I could either keep crying/fearing/doubting or I could get up and worship Him. Choose to worship- the ultimate form of showing trust in the worst of times. Now, it is my world feeling as if it could splinter again, but this time I feel God assuring me “I have you all.”

That assurance in the time of storm is priceless. He truly can give peace that passes understanding. I oscillate between crying and laughter. Emotions raw at the surface. But every time the balance starts tipping towards hysteria or worry, I feel Him pull me back- my lifeline. I had a panic attack last night… I could not stop the ever increasing breaths that just wouldn’t stop their accelerated pace. At one point I thought I would never be able to breathe normal again and then I felt God whisper to me “I have you” and suddenly there was a huge release and I could breathe again. He reached down and pulled me up from the sea of fear that I was drowning in.

Most amazing of all to me? My parents. I was talking to my mom since God has opened the door for me to be home while dad’s having the surgery and their big concern in all this was? The three chinese ministries they’re involved with and what would happen while dad is recovering from major surgery. They were thankful to God that each will be on a break at the same time (unintended to be coincidental) and pointed out His hand in all of it.

What amazing people.

I can only hope to have that heart for God like my parents have one day. To look horrible situations in the eye and instead worry about His kingdom. But while I am still learning; while I am still growing in Him, I will choose to worship my way through this situation. I will choose to worship my way out of the tears and fear.

I choose to worship Jesus.

Rebekah M.