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God’s Choice

We here at BeingRebekah have (clearly) not been posting as much lately and I (Rebekah M.) just wanted to give some updates on our lives ūüôā

Rebekah A and L have been dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy.  Although both were spared (thank You Jesus!), one was without power for days and the other had to deal with searching over two days to find gasoline.  It is so wonderful that everyone is accounted for and safe.  Thank You Jesus for Your tender mercies!!!

I had a busy day yesterday with an interview in the morning and service over an hour away at night. ¬†It was amazing meeting new people though. After service, a bunch of us went out to eat and there came a time of discussion and they pointed out that Saul was a choice to fulfill the wrongful wishes of the people while David was to fulfill God’s wishes.

During service this morning, I felt God talk to me (completely unrelated to the sermon) a bit more about this in terms of my life. ¬†My first ex, I felt God say that was a fulfillment of shallow wishes- he was SO handsome- 6’2, blonde, blue eyed, biceps as large as my thighs, when I first started talking to him and told my friends “you know, the guy that looks like a Ken Doll” they immediately knew who I was speaking about. But He said to me today “MY choice for the man for your life will not be as you expect, he will have a heart after Me.” ¬†I got the sense I may not even recognize him as God’s choice for me initially. David was the LAST one brought to Samuel to anoint because no one would expect HIM of all people to be God’s choice for future king. So who knows, maybe he’s even already in my life right now and I just don’t recognize him yet?

It should be kept in mind that Saul had a purpose- ¬†(I Sam 9)”that he may save My people from the hand of the Philistines.” Messed up as the situation was, Saul served his purpose just as Ex #1 served the purpose of growing me more in Him than ever before and expanding who I am as a person to be more tolerant of others, more calm in the midst of storm (for He was right by my side during the most painful time of my life), and to praise Him at all times.

All I do know is that I also get the sense that God was telling me not to worry. Just as He was already preparing David long before he was anointed king, He has been preparing a David for my life long before we start dating. ¬†I actually think it started on my “victory day” back in December when I finished my 3 week fast for Ex#1 and worshipped for over an hour on the phone with my parents and then my prayer partner, praising God for my unseen victory (even without him in my life ever again for I felt God was creating a new path in my life that day).

Jesus, 

Thank You for providing a David for my life.  Thank You that even if I may not recognize him, you know his heart and You know when the right time will be for us to finally start a new chapter together. Lord, just help me leave it all in Your capable hands and give no thought to the when and the how.  I love You Jesus and I praise You and thank You for the life You have provided for me! 

Rebekah M. 

Related articles:

http://www.enduringword.com/commentaries/0909.htm

http://www.enduringword.com/commentaries/0916.htm

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Off the Back Burner

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8:38-39

Jesus loves us. This we know (for the Bible tells us so…). Song aside, this is a simple fact. He loves us with a love so pure and deep it is beyond our comprehension. We as Christians know this. We also know that God is a jealous God (see Exodus 34), and desires us – the dedication of our whole being.

As loved and desired as we are by our Lord Jesus Christ, we do a great job of ignoring Him in return. So many of us turn to Him to get us through the hard times, or to guide us over a rocky patch. Then when things are going well again, we stop seeking Him as strongly. We know better than to think we can do this life thing on our own, yet we still begin spending less time with Him. On an intellectual level, we know we need Him. But on a heart level, we think we’re doing ok, and we do our thing. Sure, sometimes we reach out to Jesus or worship or pray, but it’s not as often and not as heartfelt.

Then, sure enough, the tide turns again and times turn tough. Relationships end. And then we’re right back to seeking God again for help. Driven by pain, desperation, and loneliness, we seek out our Father for comfort and healing. He gives it, and gives us love and peace. So what do we do? We rejoice that we’re all better, and we leave Him alone again.

Basically, there is a huge tendency among Christians to turn Jesus into our rebound guy. We go after things that look and sound good here on earth. When they turn out to be false or not so great after all, we go crawling back to Jesus. We keep Him on the back burner for the times we need His, and when we don’t, our walk so often grows complacent.

Readers, this is not the way to treat the lover of your soul. He is not meant as a crutch. He is meant to be our everything. Do we truly, TRULY desire Him above all other things and people that can be found in this world? Truly? Because we should.

In the Bible, Rebekah left everything she knew – her home, her family and friends – in order to follow her Isaac to his home land and be his wife. Up til now, we have always considered Isaac to be a person. But what if he isn’t? After all, we are told that we are Christ’s bring, aren’t we? So, what if the example is really telling us that this is the way we’re supposed to follow Christ rather than a fellow human? Completely, purely following Him, counting everything that’s currently in our lives as worth leaving, for the sole purpose of loving Him and only Him for eternity.

Today I ask you readers if this example reflects your walk with Him. And if it doesn’t, it is time to revisit your relationship with Him. If we courted Him, loved Him, desired Him, and waited for Him as often as He did for us, our lives would not be even remotely the same as they are today. We can never reach that ideal because we can never fully grasp the entirety of God’s love for us, but we can still at least try!

I invite you to open your hearts and bring God in Рaway from the back burner and into the center. Take Him off of the rebound list and start  to seek Him for the sake of Himself Рnot for an assist through the tough stuff. Strive to love Him and desire Him as He does us.

God bless!

~Rebekah A

The Unexpected (aka Restoration pt 2)

So this weekend turned out to be so much more interesting than I had expected it to. I knew going in that I was attending a wedding and was carpooling there with a guy friend of mine. Originally it was supposed to be with he and his girlfriend but they ended up breaking up shortly before so she didn’t even come along.

Best way to describe this weekend: Mind. Blown.

He and I have been friends for a few years now and no- we are not dating. That I know of he’s not even interested. However- for the first time I felt like I recognized things in someone where I was like- “that- that’s what I want.” ¬†For the first time I feel like I met someone who would actually do the daily “so who did you invite to church today?” conversation I imagine having with my future husband at the dinner table. For the first time I felt like I met someone who’d jump in and pray over things and people as passionately as I do. For once I felt like I met someone who would be just as willing to open his door to people in need- whether it be a meal or a bed to sleep on.

Does this mean I think he’s the one? No. This means that I feel there’s hope that there really is someone out there for me that’s still single. ¬†If this friend of mine exists and is still single- then perhaps there are more like him.

I don’t know if he wants more than friendship. I don’t even know if I want that since I’m pretty sure for things to work out I’d have to have a residency near him given various circumstances that have him where he is (the most important of which is I truly think God has called him to help with the church he’s currently attending). However, it was wonderful just being near a single guy my age where it was SO easy to talk about Jesus, he was attractive from the inside out, has a super fun personality, and a genuine love for God and the things of God.

So from what I wrote does that mean I’d never date him? No. It just means that I have no clue where God wants to take it all but I’m putting it all in His hands.

Jesus,

Thank you for a great weekend filled with You, friends, and laughter. ¬†Thank You for reminding me that I have hope of a future. Whether it’s with that guy or someone else- You will reveal in Your timing. Thank You that You are good. I love You Jesus with all my heart.¬†

Rebekah M.

Related Post: https://beingrebekah.com/2012/07/15/restoration/

Letter to a Stranger

This is from an email I was going to write someone …

I’m not even sure why I’m sharing this with you- a virtual stranger, but I’ve found when I allow myself to be transparent, people are encouraged, challenged, or touched by Jesus.¬†This whole “seeking Jesus thing” is really not going as I have planned.

I know what I need to do and yet I just am fighting it- I’m fighting Him. I just… don’t want to push so hard anymore. ¬†Dig so much. ¬†He provided all that I needed/wanted during my desert time and yet a huge part of me is soo hesitant to go back into that…. both guys I dated I felt so strongly that God was in it… at first… I prayed so much against meeting my most recent ex if Jesus didn’t have anything for us to learn/grow from it. Clearly He must have, but part of me is angry, frustrated that once again, He allowed some guy to come into my life and rip into me. Just like how He allowed the first to rip me to shreds. ¬†

How is it that I can charge Him with the sins of others and yet not see that although He willingly takes the blame, He did not actually inflict the pain? Why is it that I feel like I need to forgive Him for not watching out for me when He is the one who has forgiven me of so much? ¬†Why do I always feel like I give so much of who I am so freely to others and all they do is see it, rip it to shreds, and throw it in the trash? Where is my Isaac that I thought would be here and why can’t I learn to fully be content in my moments? Why can’t I just truly wait in peace in Him and the promises He has for me? ¬†My heart wants to cry “Where are You Jesus?” and yet I know where He is… He’s waiting… but just like how I’m afraid of trusting any guys again, I’m afraid of trusting Him since part of me blames Him for even allowing them in my life in the first place. ¬†Why must growing and learning hurt SO MUCH? ¬†I miss the safety of not knowing. I miss the bliss of being¬†naive¬†to the world.¬†

I realized while talking to a close friend of mine that I had become the Ex#2 in my relationship with Jesus- texting no more than once or twice a day and talking once or twice a week on the phone. ¬†Jesus doesn’t want that. ¬†Jesus doesn’t want me to be Ex #2 in my relationship with Him. ¬†He wants to hear from me every day as much as I wanted to hear from Ex #2. ¬†It doesn’t detract from His worth when I don’t talk to Him, it just means that He just wants to get to know me better and let me know Him better.

Yet part of me fights…. I realize I haven’t allowed myself to fully grieve over the fact that once again I was dumped. I hurt from the shame of being dumped again. I hurt from feeling like I was ready to put my heart out there and was once again pushed away. ¬†I hurt and part of me wants to blame God since I can’t take my anger out on my ex.

Lord, 

Just take it. ¬†Bind me up again. ¬†Release me from this pain. ¬†Purge me of the darkness and dirt. Help me find what You wanted me to take away from the relationship. ¬†I’m going to stop fighting You. I see now- it wasn’t Your fault and it’s not fair to be angry at You when I really want to be angry with myself and my ex. If You want me to be single forever, so be it. ¬†If You want me to marry, whomever it may be, so be it. I give it all to You now. Whomever or even no body, You make that choice for me. ¬†You lead and guide my steps. ¬†You show me what I must do. ¬†Be my everything again. ¬†Help me not be distracted by guys but let the right guy become an encouragement to me.. if there is to be a guy. ¬†Let him edify my walk with You as I edify his. ¬†Let our future children (if I have any) glorify Your name from the moment they can speak. ¬†Nothing would be better than if their first word was “Jesus.” ¬†Lord, I so badly want all that I am and do to be consumed by You and the things of You. ¬†I’m sorry I was angry at You. I’m sorry I blamed You when all You wanted was for me to find comfort in You. ¬†I love You Jesus with all my heart.¬†

Rebekah M. 

Praise is the Key Pt 2

This is the conclusion of my current testimony which I first posted about in part 1. 
When I took my second set of medical boards, yet another guy had broken up with me just a few days before and this test was even more important. Instead of extra cramming that morning, I danced in my room in worship to Him who would see me through.¬†The most amazing part was not that the questions seemed easier than I had expected, but that every time I thought of that break up, I felt Him right by my side. I felt Him say “Be here, with Me.” Never Have I felt Him so tangibly and during such a crucial moment in my life.
Although I’m still fairly young, I know this, that praise has been the key to God making my life an example of¬†Romans 8:28. All thing have turned out to be for my good. Also, as I have taken to openly praising Him in all situations, blessings have poured in. I tell people that “Jesus gives me a charmed life” and He has! I have been on a helicopter that located a downed pilot who was released from the hospital a few day later, was¬†privileged¬†to help deliver two babies, and every church that I have been to while moving every month for medical school has been exactly what I needed.¬†Although there is more in this journey of life to travel, I know that so long as I keep praising Him through it all, everything will be fine.
Rebekah M. 
Update: As the weeks continued after the break up, I had a hard time getting over my ex. ¬†Even at the end of August he texted me saying he wished we could go mountain biking together again. ¬†As I keep asking God if I should just cut him out of my life, all I hear is “just. wait. Focus on Me and just don’t make a move in regards to guys.” ¬†

 
So here I am, waiting on Jesus again and trying to seek Him in this swirling life of mine. I know somewhere, somehow He will bring an Isaac into my life, but not today.  Today is where He wants us to live (Matthew 6:34) because tomorrow will take care of itself. Here in these moments is where we can live with Him at our side- guiding our every step.  

Choices

I’m a go getter. ¬†I’m the girl who fights for things in this world and accomplishes them in Jesus name. ¬†I’m the girl who has done insane things in this life and sometimes *I* don’t even think anyone should have had all the experiences that I’ve had in my short life. ¬†From starting an alternative spring break program on campus that raised over $30K in less than 5 months, to being part of a search and rescue of a downed pilot, to having told people what I thought Jesus was saying to them and they saying that’s what they’ve been praying about all week (unbeknownst to me), Jesus has created me to break through things.

This is all to say just how incredibly hard it is for me to sit on my hands when it comes to Ex#2 and guys in general. ¬†I want to know them NOW and get them to fall in love with me NOW and then we can get married NOW so that I can stop trying to learn about every new guy that comes along and just focus on ONE guy. ¬†I hate waiting for them to make up their mind, I’d rather they be in or out.¬†I’m sooooooo done with this search and I’ve been done for as long as I can remember.

Now… the choices I have are little actions- part of me wants to text Ex #2 ideas for his upcoming trip to Chicago where he’s going to go see a friend. ¬†I also just met a guy last night who was SUPER handsome and he was short for once (I super like short guys- better hugs) and he’s about to go off on an AIM trip in a few months. ¬†It was an interesting conversation but I feel like I monopolized it and now I’m just super curious about him. ¬†I could friend him on facebook, but then that’s again ME pushing.

I’m done with pushing, I’m done with trying. ¬†I’m sick of always being the one wanting to make things happen when the other party will eventually give in (as I realized while talking to my adopted sis on the phone yesterday). ¬†It was actually pretty amazing to realize that most guys, when I make up my mind to try to make something happen, do respond positively, even if only for a short amount of time. ¬†It’s amazing to realize that when I have tried, I have essentially gotten the guys to like me back. ¬†However… I have also realized that I have essentially always been the one pushing in the end and I hate that… why can’t it be give and take? Why can’t they try as hard as me? I’m done. ¬†I’m just done.

And so I sit, realizing for the first time that I’ve never been as done in my life as I am about dating and still realizing that the urge to pull Ex#2 back in by sending him fun ideas for his upcoming trip and making him a survival bracelet and coming up with ideas of how we could meet up with little expense to him is still there. ¬†I still want to do these things and yet I feel God just saying “Calm. Wait. Just wait my child. Just. Hold. Still.”

Here I sit Lord, waiting on You. Waiting for Your work in my life.  Waiting for You to finally move in away that You never have before.  Waiting for You to help me finally just give it alllllll up. Give You the reigns.  I need Your help to do so though because we both know that I love being in control.  Help me Jesus.  Help. 

Rebekah M. 

Declaration

I know Rebekah L just posted earlier today but I just have to post this now.  I realized just why this break up, early as it is in the relationship as it was, hurt so much.  I was just about ready to give him my heart.  I was just about ready to jump in no bars held.  The deepest cry in my heart has been to have that guy who I could honestly say to him:

Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you: for where you go, I will go; and where you lodge, I will lodge: your people shall be my people, and your God my God: ~Ruth 1:16

Yet God is helping me see that what I need is a man who will say this with me to each other but with a twist:

Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you: for where you go, I will go- for it is after Christ; and where you lodge, I will lodge- for it will be with Christ: your people shall be my people, and your God shall be our God. 

I don’t know who he is or where he is, but I know now more than ever that this cry of Christ to just passionately pursue after Him is a cry to just throw it all aside. Just toss EVERYTHING to the wayside and believe with all faith and in every fiber of my being that¬†there is someone who will pursue after Him as desperately as I am.¬†Someone who will not think “where do I want to go?” but thinks “where does God want for me?” For that is the deepest cry of my heart. ¬†Until I find a man who just so instinctively trusts God with every step of his life as I do, I need God to help guard my heart. ¬†He allowed this break up because He knew that had I met ex #2’s parents before the break up, my heart would have been his.

For now, my heart still is remorseful over the fact that he just couldn’t try. Just try and see if we could be the most amazing thing to happen to both our lives but I know now more than ever that it was right- at least for now… perhaps forever. ¬†Perhaps Jesus really does have a “third time’s the charm” for me. ¬†All I do know is that:

Jesus, 

This is my declaration- I will pursue after You with all my heart. ¬†I will run after You and should there never be a man who runs beside me after You then You will be enough. ¬†You will hold my heart. ¬†You’ve held it before and You will continue to do so. ¬†I so wanted to give ex #2 my heart but he wasn’t ready for it. Maybe he never will be because maybe he’ll never be able to trust YOU with his heart like I do. ¬†So be it- You will watch over me and provide everything I need- even companionship- even if it’s only in the form of many friendships- I trust You. ¬†I trust You. I trust You Jesus. ¬†This is my declaration- I love and will pursue after You Jesus with all that I have. ¬†

Rebekah M.