I Didn’t Say Yes (Part 1)

The Me Too movement has been going on for quite some time now and has brought about conversations on consent among many, on and offline. The conversations I have had, few as they are, have delved deep into a place I have tried to pretend didn’t exist.

You see, as a “good Christian girl” I have tried to stay pure and not have sex. As my “Visions” series showed years ago though- although I haven’t had full on sex- I have done much more than I ever should have and I never dreamed I would have done outside the confines of marriage when I first set out dating.

As a child, I thought I’d meet a man, we’d fall madly in love, get married summer between undergrad and med school, and then have a glorious reign as a power couple in church; both still virgins who never kissed until the alter.

This, however, did not happen.

I found myself 26, never having held a man’s hand before, and desperately wondering how was I that ugly and unattractive that almost no man wanted to date me.

And so when my first boyfriend came along, I caved in with kisses (after he stole my first kiss) and eventually more. And with the 2nd I gave in some more. Each one pulling more from me than the first and each one leaving part of me with them- forever gone are things I’ll never get back.

The worst time though- the worst – was when one of my ex-boyfriends did something that I did not say yes to. I didn’t say “no” either- I was frozen. In shock that this thing- his thing – was in part of me. Not **there** but still… in me. I didn’t get to say yes or no to it. He just… did it and I was crushed under the weight of him, under the weight of what he was doing, literally, physically and mentally unable to utter a word or even able to push him off of me.

And the shame- the deep deep shame. How could I, a Christian female, tell anyone what he had done? It was MY FAULT for allowing myself to be in a situation where he felt at liberty to do that- to put that – in places I didn’t ask for it to be.

It wasn’t rape in my book- I didn’t object, I didn’t even try to push him off so he couldn’t have known at the time. I just laid there, unable to move or speak, and before I knew it it was over. He was out of me and I was left unsure.

Afterwards, excited, he asked me if I liked it and “wasn’t it so great?”

I halfheartedly said “yeah”

The overwhelming shame silenced me from saying anything further.

The guilt of having allowed myself to be in a place where what he had done was even possible ate me to my core. In my head it was MY FAULT that I let my boyfriend of the time think it would be an okay action to try on me.

He apparently eventually blamed me as well. Months later as we were breaking up, he disgustedly look at me to tell me how gross I was for wanting **THAT** after church services – after I was begging for him to just hold my hand. Apparently I was a temptress who only led him to do bad things. It was the only time I yelled at a man other than my father in my adulthood.

“I don’t want that! I just want you to hold my hand!” I screamed, but he was sure: I wanted *almost* sex apparently all day, every day, especially after church, even though we hadn’t even held hands in weeks.

I’m still working through some of this with my counselor. At some point, I’ll have the courage to tell my current boyfriend. For now, his assurances I don’t have to tell him anything until I’m ready make me feel safe.

He has never tried to even hold my hand since pastor told him not to, and the safety I feel with him honoring that I cannot explain. It is SO invaluable to me, having lived through what I did. To know that he will honor that level of not being physically intimate yet, until he’s more sure of if he loves me/wants to marry me, tells me that I would be safe from ever being in a situation like that with him.

I write this in tears, so thankful for this man who I’m dating now, and so grateful for a God who can heal even the deepest of wounds. I have given that guilt, shame, pain, and fear to Him- and He has given me back beauty for such horrible, ugly ashes.

I need time for this amazing man to prove that my heart, my honor, and my body are safe with him. That he won’t push me to places I don’t want to go; that he won’t put things in places that I haven’t asked for them to be; that he won’t be among the males who have walked away from me, leaving me broken in their dust.

If you dear reader, have had a similar situation- if you have shame for allowing yourself to be in a place where a man feels at liberty to put **that** in any place you never asked for it to be (or a woman felt at liberty to put *you* in places you didn’t ask to be) – but you didn’t fight, you didn’t even say no, so you don’t feel calling it rape is accurate either – know you are not alone. Also, know that God has such deep levels of love, compassion, and healing for you- as He did me. I could not be in the relationship that I am in currently if it wasn’t for His healing power.

You are not alone.

Your healing can start today.

I ask You now, You know who’s reading this. You know who searched for something to speak to their situation. So speak to them now- help them know that just one word – Your name – Jesus – can heal them. By Your stripes we are healed! You healed this place of deep pain for me, and I know You can for them. In Jesus name, I release Your healing in their heart, mind, and soul right now and I pray You lead them to the right people to help them continue on this journey of healing.

In Jesus name,


Rebekah M


Time Will Tell

Since my last post SO much has transpired (as it should in the half a year it’s been!). I have literally been so suicidal I had a plan on how I would will kill myself. I finally got put in touch with a christian counselor and she’s been such a blessing for me. I’ve needed to have someone that I speak with professionally who can help me have HEALTHY relationships.

Work has been a bumpy road. I worked very very very hard for work and have now been out a whole week due to illness. I have not been this sick since age 16. Just walking to my kitchen has me winded and slightly dizzy at times.

However… I do have a development that I want to share with you all: my new boyfriend. This came out of left field for me- as I even told my pastor. We were just friends- the best of friends, but JUST friends. He, being 10 years my junior, never hit my radar as someone who would want to pursue a relationship with me and so I didn’t hold back. I was me- all silly, child-like, harassing me – and he likes me for it. Not since my teens have I REALLY let my walls be completely gone- not hiding any bit of ME from another.

Pastor told him to GO SLOW and advised him not to hold hands or even hug me yet. Extreme I know- but working with the counselor I realized, exactly what >> I need << . If we make it to marriage and he had to wait that long for so much of the physical forms of affection, it’ll help reassure me along the way that he’s in it for ME, and not what he can get out of me.

The last guy… we did more than we should.. and directly after that happened he pulled back. He stopped nightly videochatting with me, he stopped saying he loved me. He broke my heart so badly. I still haven’t had sex- but I gave in to his arguments that we should kiss… and more. I thought since he was telling me things like “i’ve never been so in love with anyone” and “I love you more every day” that it meant he was safe – that it meant he was truly in this long term so it was safe to be doing what we did- but clearly I was wrong.

So.. I need this man to GO SLOW. Let me truly know that I am the Rachel to his Jacob. That I am the Rebekah to his Isaac. That I am the Ruth to his Boaz. Worth the effort; worth the wait; worth fighting for.

And so far… it seems he’s showing all the signs he could be the one. I have deeply longed for a man who would honor my father and want to learn and glean from him. My father is an amazing man. We may not always get along 100%, but I respect him, my pastor, and my brother the most in this world. Those three men are ones who watch out for my soul and hold deep wisdom. And the day after he met my dad (and got permission to date me from him), he texted my dad and asked if he wanted to meet up and get to know his story better. They talked for HOURS at my church. We didn’t even end up talking that day (except via text), but he chatted with my dad face to face for HOURS.

This is what I’ve always longed for.

The moment my best friend asked me out, I told him he had to ask my dad and my pastor for permission and my pastor in turn told him he needed to seek permission from his mom and his former pastor (he moved here and joined my church in may, about a month after my ex and I broke up). That man got it all done within five days- he did not dilly dally! haa haa 🙂

It has been some very interesting weeks since. Before we were dating there were no rules on us and so we met up often, almost daily towards the end. Now, we need to have someone else with us and that can be difficult to find and I’ve been very busy with work stuff so for week 2, we saw each other only as he was taking me to urgent care due to how sick I was.

However, he has been caring, celebrating of the small moments with me (instead of getting angry with me and calling me childish as one ex had done), fun, bratty, and full of adventure.

So I don’t know if he’s the one, but he’s worked hard to create a base for a love story that I have always dreamed of, but lost hope in ever being part of.

The thing I love the most is that I told him I was suicidal after the last breakup (a big part of it was pressure from work to be honest) and his response has been to make sure that I stay emotionally safe enough that if I were ever to lose him (either from a break up or death), that I would be able to keep going even if I lost him.

I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such a man, but I believe him to be sincere since he has been this sweet and caring even before we were dating. Having 5 months of friendship under the belt really has made a big difference in this relationship. I’ve never felt this at ease with a man and yet just… truly adore him.

I can see myself marrying him one day… as long as he doesn’t change. However, as I’ve learned time and time again – only time will tell.


I think You’re in this but if You aren’t- please pull us apart now. If this is Your Will, draw us closer every day as we have been. However, YOUR WILL be done above my own. I’m SO DONE with doing things and dating my way, I’m ready to submit to even the strictest of dating standards if this means that I’ll finally either marry the right man or have the nicest break up I’ve ever had. Either way Lord- have YOUR way.

Rebekah M.

Things My Exes Taught Me

I broke up with the latest guy last night. He went from THE most incredible, loving, sweet, attentive, amazing man I had ever dated to just this COLD, MEAN, RUDE man. I had never thought the man who was a youth pastor, right hand to his pastor, and pillar of his church district would be the same man to voice “Don’t you get it?! Haven’t you been listening?! I told you WEEKS AGO, every time you tell me a story about God I believe less! You haven’t been listening to me for WEEKS NOW. I tried to break up with you weeks ago and you weren’t listening then and it seems like you’re only FINALLY listening to me now!”

Three weeks ago I begged him- if he wasn’t into us, if he truly did not enjoy talking to me then we should see other people. I told him that he deserved to be with a woman he liked to talk to and I deserved to be with a man who loved me and loved to hear from me. So I gave him a choice- we could try for two more weeks or we could break up. His response: “I don’t enjoy talking to you and I can’t see that changing.” I did not interpret that as “Ok, let’s break up.” I did interpret him agreeing to two more weeks as an “ok, let’s try, I’ll be busy with this BIG thing, but let’s give it a little more time to see if we can get along better.”

His words broke my heart.

I loved him more deeply than any man before him. I respected him more highly than all who came before. He could do no wrong in my book at first… and then even when things started to put chinks in his armor – I still believed his core self to be one who would either call things off honorably, or continue getting to know each other. Why he chose this destructive, mean, horrible way of breaking up is SO confusing and unlike who I believed him to be- but everything he said last night made me think I never knew him. That he was never the Godly, sweet, loving, amazing man that I believed him to be. A selfless, loving man would never had said what he said to me.

So what have I learned?

Ex #1 – I deserve better than verbal and emotionally abusive treatment

Ex #2 – some guys only want to date for a time of adventure but just short term

unofficial Ex#3 – if they don’t believe in God, don’t even entertain the thought or God might even send a prophet from Taiwan to tell your praying parents LOL (see my “the visions” series from 2012)

official Ex #3 – just because he begs for a chance to date you doesn’t mean he’ll follow through on his words

Ex #4 – they may look spiritual and sold out for the kingdom, but by their fruits you shall know them

I grew though. I grew SO much from this last relationship- Ex #3 and I restarted my prayer life, Ex #4 helped me be more consistent with my bible reading and dug into my major insecurity issues. If God can provide so much, why have I had such major doubts He could provide a husband in His timing? because I have felt so ugly, unwanted, unlovable, and at times even felt physically disgusting to myself.

But God loves me in a way that covers it all. I do have beauty- beauty that the RIGHT man will see. One who will be just as happy and enthused when I speak of the wonders of Christ. One who won’t get angry with me for saying “thank you Jesus” even for the green lights, but fall in love with me more. One who will be my ministry partner.

Finding hope in my new ashes,

Rebekah M.

Doing It All Wrong

For months I have been dating an amazing man. He has made me a better person; but he is now burnt out from all my fears and insecurities.

I love him and I am broken at the thought that he said he is bored with me and (it feels like) he is  ready to call it quits.

I do not know how to move forward from here. From the time he pulled back A LOT up until now, I’ve been acting out in fear. We had a pretty good weekend together and I ruined the good that was starting up again by asking him if he was “still in this with me.”

His actions said yes, but part of me needed to hear that he was- and it pushed him more away.

I’ve had to take my fears to God and you know what? It should have been there this whole time. God reminded me of when He called a prophet to tell my parents when I was dating a guy not in church- the prophet knew NOTHING about me other than I was my parent’s daughter and yet knew so much that he was never told. So if He could do that, why have I been so worried about this guy walking away from me?

Because he’s been my rock for months now. I have been through hell and back and he stood behind me, holding me up- but he’s so tired now. My love wore himself out trying to be what I needed because both of us should have been going to the Source of all Strength together instead- but we didn’t. I leaned on him and he was eaten up.

I’m going to the King now.

I need Jesus to finally have His full, rightful place between us. We were much better when we were reading the bible together- excitedly seeing things that we’d never seen in the Word before- together. But that fell away.

What if he does walk away?

I will always love and respect him for that time we shared when it was good, but I know that God has me. Each guy I’ve dated has been of better quality- this man being tops so far. Even with his pulling back- he’s not evil for doing so, he’s just uncertain if he thinks I should play a permanent role in his life. He has a right to wonder.

I just truly believe that we can have that chemistry of laughter and humor that he is longing for- just not when his words have made me try to artificially be funny. I’m trying too hard and it’s showing. I don’t know how to fix this, but I do know that if he walks- he has a right to and I just need to be thankful for the times we did share.

In the mean time, he’s voiced things that I know need prayer and fasting so if you readers could- take a moment (or more!) to please pray for this precious man and myself.


I’m sorry for putting this man first for a time. It ruined our relationship. I don’t know how to find the way back (if that’s even possible) but You know what’s best for both of us. Hold us in Your arms now Jesus and just fix what should be fixed and allow to break what needs to break. Mold me and make me better- whether for this relationship or another. I truly, finally, accept and trust that You can manage even my romantic relationships. I’m so sorry for my doubt. I’m so sorry for placing him above You for a bit. I’m so thankful You’re always right there for me, waiting.

In Him,

Rebekah M.

My Best Self

I got in a fight with someone today. In the end, it was mainly more we are both under LOTs of stress and neither are communicating well with each other on things. I called my boyfriend up to discuss the situation and he did exactly what I knew he’d do- analyze it completely and not take sides. If anything, he took the other person’s side! haa haa!

I mentioned in my post about the perfect mate and how Jesus is my Picard that I need to mold to Him so that I can be my best self. With this man, I find he’s helping me be that.  He encourages me to be my most Christ-like self. He helped me use words for peace and bridging the gap when all I wanted to do was tell them off but the God side of me wanted reconciliation.

I’ve never had a man in my life that I trusted his counsel and wisdom to this level. Who’s perspective I not only want, but need. I am such a very emotional creature. I love with my whole heart and mere words can cut it deeply. He’s so logical and although he can feel emotions deeply, he doesn’t usually let them affect his actions.

To be honest, typically it would have taken a few days to get me to the point where he got me in a few hours. I was SO hurt and offended by the words from the other person that I could barely see straight in the situation. Part of me knew I should extend grace and forgiveness, but part of me was just offended and hurt. He helped me get past that mess to get to the healing.

All these weeks I just keep thinking: I’m so lucky. He’s truly the most handsome man I’ve ever dated. He tells me I’m beautiful almost every day. He and I started reading the bible together daily at his leading. He makes sure I know he thinks I’m worth every effort he puts forth for me and more.

To have a man in my life who loves God, cares for me so deeply, and pushes me to be my best self… I feel so beyond blessed.


Thank You for this new man. Thank You for someone who’s as kind, gentle, patient, and sweet to me as he is. Thank You that he tries to put You first and pushes me to be my best self. 

Thank You Jesus,

Rebekah M.


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For the Girls

Today is the International Day of the Girl. The girl, who in so many places is denied education; is denied a voice as her future and even sometimes her spouse is decided for her; is denied a childhood as she is married off at barely double digits; is aborted or given up because she is the less desirable gender to bring into this world; is denied. Here in the United States where she’s far more fortunate, her struggles will be confined to unequal salary, to being objectified and occasionally harassed by those around her, and to avoiding being that one out of every six females over age 12 who will have a rape attempt made against her. The girl, who will grow into a woman – at once nurturing to those around her with a backbone of steel. The girl, formed of the rib of Adam, perfectly designed and destined for her partner – the only reason why life continues to cycle. The girl. Behind the innocent smiles and laughter, she will have so much to navigate in her life. And so today I’ve spent a lot of time praying for girls everywhere. I’m sharing my biggest prayers here, in the hopes that you’ll stand with me in agreement. It’s time they all know that we stand with them:

-I pray that you know you are here for a reason and nobody else can fulfill it for you. You were made on purpose, with specific gifts and callings. The world is a more beautiful place because you’re in it. So that voice in your head that says you’re not enough, that you can’t, and that you’re worthless and alone….I rebuke all that right now and call it out for the lie that it is. I pray you be who you are, boldly and freely.
-I pray that even in the deepest darkest parts of your heart you KNOW you were fearfully and wonderfullly made. That you would know you are valuable beyond words or price. That you would know there is nothing on this earth that can diminish you. No words, no abuse is stronger than what was inherently woven into your creation. Whatever you face in your life, I pray you know it doesn’t define you. Your identity comes from somewhere so much higher. You and your truth are seen, known and loved and IN THE NAME OF JESUS, may you know it.
-I pray you know your strength – and its source. You were made with authority and IN HIM you can overcome anything.
-I pray that you have freedom to access the education and resources that you need to cultivate the gifts you carry, and I pray your voice is never silenced. I pray right now against any chains or oppression that would come your way because girl, you were created to be Royalty. I pray you be infused with a faith stronger than hardship, that you would know you have a Provider and Protector even when all seems lost and it seems you’re out of options.
-I pray you honor your body. It’s the only one you get and it was created with just as much value as the rest of you. I pray you never resort to thinking it defines you, and that you never feel the need to craft your self-worth around it. Treat it like it belongs to someone you love. I know there’s a vast number of girls who live in areas where their bodies are their only means of survival and provision for their families. If you’re in one of them I pray you see that for the lie that it is. You were created by a God of abundance, who hears and answers your cries, who can fill your every need. You are never alone, you’re never forsaken and you don’t have to live as if you are.
-I pray you don’t cast your pearls before swine.There’s a time to cut your losses and move on. Know it and do it. You’re worth more than that.
-I pray you know, and I mean KNOW, that wherever you find yourself, whatever choices you’ve made or dark paths you’ve walked, you’re never too far gone. There’s always hope. Shame be off you in the name of Jesus. There’s no condemnation, not here, not in Him.
-And finally I pray you know that you are celebrated not just today but every day, and that the delight of the Father is on you always as His daughter. Let that knowledge nourish your spirit and fuel your soul.
From the newborn girl to the young-at-heart, from the girl down the street, to the teenage prostitute on another continent, I’m for you. The prayers of my heart are for you. Because you’re a girl. And today, the world stands with you.

The Waiting Room

I’m in the waiting room of my Gynecologist’s office. The almost eerie silence is pierced every couple of minutes by the sound of a door swinging open and a soft woman with a wide smile calling a name. I’m hyper-focused on the slight creek the door makes with every swing. I wonder how the receptionists can stand to listen to it all day, every day.

I make my way to the restroom and I’m greeted by a sign that reminds me to check with the front desk before urinating in case the doctor will want a sample. But I know the doctor won’t want a sample because I’m not here for a UTI and there’s no chance that I’m pregnant.

The sign seems to mock me.

How many times have peed on a stick in the hopes of seeing a second line? How many times has my husband said, “I really think this time is it!” when my gut already tells me it isn’t? How long has it been since he stopped saying that because the disappointment hurts too much?

Back in the waiting room there are three other women sitting in chairs, all of whom are obviously pregnant. There is another woman standing at the reception desk who doesn’t look pregnant so for a moment I assume, like me, she’s just here for a routine exam. But she’s speaking loudly so she is easily overheard. At least it seems loud in such a quiet space. She’s complaining because she’s pregnant and getting married in a few weeks. She can’t believe her terrible luck that she will have to spend her honeymoon pregnant. “Can you believe this happened?” she groans to the receptionist. I ponder whether she understands how these things come about and I wonder if she grasps just how blessed she is that it came so easily to her. Then she gripes that this is her second pregnancy in just a few months, and that she took a bunch of Morning After pills the last time so she would miscarry. “I miscarried that baby and it just figures that now I’m pregnant again!” she exclaims.

You didn’t miscarry that baby, you aborted it, I think to myself. A miscarriage happens to something you love. Something you wanted more than anything else in the world. I’ve miscarried and I can assure you it is nothing like you’ve described.

A chemical abortion is still an abortion.

For a moment I have an overwhelming urge to kick her. I’m not proud of that. I probably wouldn’t admit that to someone in person, but we’ve always strived to be real on our anonymous little blog. The feeling was almost tangible. I actually pictured myself doing it. Then in shame, I sent up a silent repentant prayer. It was judgment, jealousy, and violence all rolled into one sinful thought.

Infertility is hard. Really hard.

When my name is called, I follow the soft smiling woman beyond the creaky door toward the examination rooms. The walls are lined with pictures. Picture after picture after picture of adorable, chubby little babies. The offspring of the women who have received their care here.

The pictures taunt me.

“You’re not a real woman” they say.

Women were made to make babies.
You have no purpose.
You’re broken.
You waited too long.
You’ll never be a mother.
You don’t deserve it.
Sometimes I think that Gynecology offices should be separate from Obstetrics offices to spare us infertile women the emotional trauma of a visit to the lady bits doctor. Because let’s be honest, going to the Gynecologist is already traumatizing enough without adding in those jeering beautiful infant photos lining the hallways.
My doctor tells me even if I didn’t have a chromosomal disorder and even if I didn’t have PCOS and even if I weren’t overweight, I’d still have almost zero chance of conceiving because at my age all my eggs are dead. He also informs me that at his age, my husband’s sperm is dead too. He didn’t use those exact words, but he may as well have.

I feel silenced from talking about this pain because everyone around me seems to think I shouldn’t even want children, what with my age and the fact that I already have step-children. But there is a biological drive to reproduce. There is something deeply ingrained in a woman to be a mother. God created us this way. My step-children are wonderful and amazing and a huge blessing in my life, but I will never be their mother. I can love them, nurture them, and guide them, but I can never be theirs. They already have a mother, and I cannot (and should not) take her place.

They will never call me mom.

Every children’s birthday party, every pregnancy announcement, every baby shower, and every gender reveal is like another stab in an already shattered heart. You avoid the babies in your life. You desperately want to hold them, and yet you don’t, because you know if you do, you will absolutely fall apart. Your façade will slip, your truth revealed. In these situations, it is reality to be authentically happy for others, but almost inconsolably sad for yourself.

And then comes the guilt. Guilt for feeling that way. Guilt for being too-self-focused. Guilt for failing your husband yet again. Guilt for not taking it better. Guilt for not always praising God through the storm. Every month the grieving process starts all over again. You try not to get your hopes up, but you can’t help hoping this is the month for your miracle. Followed by the inevitable let-down, indescribable grief, and the return of the guilt. Did you know that more than half of women experiencing infertility say that it is the most upsetting experience of their lives? Another study showed that women with infertility feel as anxious or depressed as those diagnosed with cancer.

I have no idea how people do it without God.

Because I know God, it’s not all consuming for me. The Lord has blessed me tremendously and I am very thankful. I have an amazing husband and an incredible family. I am truly happier in my life now than I have ever been. I have a God whose love IS all consuming.

In my pain and sorrow, He is there. Always there. I can’t say why my prayers haven’t been answered or if they ever will be, but I can say without any doubt that I know He’s heard me. He knows my tears. He sees my struggles. Even when my attitude hasn’t always been right, He has continued loving me through it all. I am forever grateful for that.

He is a God of the impossible. It was but a few short years ago that I was on this blog moaning that I was still single in a sea of unhitched Christian women with nary a single Christian man in sight. I saw all the impossibilities: the high ratio of single women to men, my below average looks, being beyond the average age for a first marriage, and being too busy, too shy, and too anxious to date, among other things. By my human reasoning, there was no way I’d ever find a mate so there were times that I doubted whether God would send me a one. Still, I was never quite able to give up my hope and when the time was right, God answered my prayers for a spouse in a way that went far beyond my expectations. My husband is so incredibly good to me. He makes me feel loved and valued every single day. He has a tremendous faith in God. He is everything I ever wanted in a partner.

If God can answer that prayer, I know that He can make me a mother. If He doesn’t, then I know He had His perfect reasons for not doing so.

In His Love,
Rebekah L.