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Sickness

One year ago – missed by ONE day – I went to an urgent care because I was incredibly sick and barely able to walk the 10ft to my kitchen without getting dizzy.

Today, I went yet once again- not quiet as sick, but knowing- I could have avoided this. I’m a doctor- I know my lungs are just different than most people’s lungs. I SHOULD have been using a steroid inhaler but in trying to get rid of my student loans quickly, I decided to cut corners and not get the $30/month steroid inhaler. In all honesty, I realized that if I was doctoring me, I’d tell myself- stop being like this and just start it mid-September and stop in mid-May. Esp if I get the doctor to write 1-2 puffs BID I could get it cut down to just $120/year which would be totally worth it to not have this happen again while her not lying about how much I know I’m going to use (just 1 puff twice a day).

My ex texted me earlier today after I got back from Urgent Care “Hows it going?” I made some small talk and mentioned I wouldn’t be in church tonight… he immediately asked “You sick?” – he still knows me so well- only sickness or being out of town makes me miss church. He immediately offered to get me soup or anything else I might need. We worked out that I would make him peanut butter from scratch in exchange for some ramen.

I miss him.

I kept joking that his life is better with me since I helped him save $200 on a flight to London and gave him some wasabi almonds that are super yummie but both times his response was “maybe.”

That will be the last time I joke like that… I can’t keep putting my heart out there like that.

I have to finally accept he’s just a nice guy. He’s just extending friendship. I have to stop wishing he’d wake up and realize our love was great enough and worth it enough for any of his fears. I live by “better to have loved truly and deeply and lose them, than to never have loved before” but with his dad’s loss in his teens he just can’t. I wish so badly he could see that he is not his mom. He would not be broken from a loss of me, he is so much stronger than he thinks- and most importantly he’s not God- my days are numbered by Christ, not his fears

Perhaps he’ll wake up and come back, trusting God for all the above, but if not – I just have to keep going – working on the things that have held me back from my dreams- my student loans, my health, my hatred of paperwork for things in my life that I need.

I did one BIG one yesterday before my sickness got so bad… and I’m proud of myself. This is the first step I needed to start my dreams again. I’ve bought a few things to try to get me to who I want to be – a panda planner that helps you plan your month/day and reflect back on the week in a positive light. I also got a rocket fusion and as noted before, started to bible journal. All thanks to my generous mom and dad’s birthday gift.

I want to be a better me.

For too long, anxiety and fear has ruled my life. It started in medical school where they beat me down mentally from day one- the bullying and fear mongering by the highest levels even continued into graduation –

“If ANY of you, ANY OF YOU, decide to whoop, make a spectacle, or anything else we deem inappropriate, WE STILL HAVE YOUR DIPLOMAS. WE DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE IT TO YOU. TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.”

I had chest pain the whole week until 2 days of having my diploma by me- finally the reality that my hell was over finally sinking in… only to get bullied by a senior resident who hated my guts for 2 years straight.

During my 3rd year of residency one of the attendings turned to me and stated “you know Dr _____, you’ve really changed a lot this last year.” All I could do is look at her and think “don’t you see that the person you subjected me to for TWO YEARS is gone now?” but instead I just quietly thanked her and left.

So… the doctor told me to take off work until wednesday and I think I’m going to take him up on this. I needed to heal from the break up and I think I need to let my body recover from sickness…. I also believe that IF I can recover well from this quickly, it will show my exbf (if there’s any sliver of hope for us still) that my getting sick doesn’t have to be the end of the world in the future… that I just need to honor my body and my limitations as I tell other patients to do.

To be honest our break up left me unable to sleep well for most nights of the last month so it is unsurprising I got this sick. I don’t think i can ever reveal that though since it could make him feel even more that he shouldn’t be with me for risk of hurting me a second time…. but he’s gonna hurt someone one way or the other- that’s what true love actually is about- loving them even while having so much to forgive…  I wonder if I could convince him to let me volunteer as tribute (heh heh)

So Readers,

Pray for me please? I cannot allow my body to get THAT sick again. And if you get sick, take the time for yourself to heal up and go see the doctor if you’re getting bad. I have asthma so it can get pretty bad quickly.

Healing up in Him,

Rebekah M.

Working on A Vision

In my time since the break up I have been growing, changing, learning to reject the lies of the enemy and trying to define who I am destined to be in Christ.

I’m currently flying back home and decided to use the time to work on a few things like doing a bible journal for the first time – it was pretty cool to really dive deep into Psalms chapter 1. Basically it’s this plan here: http://www.bible-reading.com/bible-plan.html but I also used the amplified bible to get a deeper meaning to the words.

I started with Psalms chpt 1-2 and essentially it all boils down to- those who are in passionate pursuit of Christ- meditating and thinking of Him and His ways all day will be blessed (favored, prosperous) and those who don’t eventually become of no worth and no substance.

I want to be one who is blessed “[fortunate, prosperous, and favored by God]” so I started drafting a vision board for myself. While researching vision boards it became apparent that this cannot just be “I want a hot husband and a great job and be a great Christian” and that’s it (for it can actually make your mind think it’s already been rewarded and decreased motivation *citation below*). Some believe the law of attraction will just make it happen but it’s more than that. You have to work on and envision the steps necessary to get you to your goal. Yesterday’s post was a start to that but I realized I need to keep delving deeper- this is what my 40 days is about – to seek God on not just where He wants me to go- but HOW to go about it.

2 boyfriends ago I felt God ask me if I still wanted that man or someone else- I eventually broke down and told God “you see above this rat maze, You can see what steps I need to take next- just let Your Will for my life be.”

And so here I am again, once again single, but this time stronger and slightly more sure of myself. Finally realizing though that I MUST hammer out who I really am in Him so that I’m finally ready for the right guy… and also who is that guy?

I loved the last boyfriend so much… I still love him to be honest. But I have to accept that unless he goes to Christ and finally gives over his fear of loving someone so much that their death could devastate him (and knowing that God can make it so even if that happened, he would still thrive and that all our days are in His hands), we have no chance.

I believe that my love for him is so much that I would root him through any battle and any issue and I would pray and fast for him like crazy… but he needs to want to heal and grow so I know I MUST only standby as a friend and keep my heart open for love- even if it’s with someone else.

So what does this mean?

To take the lid off who I think I want (since it was basically him) to who is my ideal husband… not just to recognize him when he comes into my life, but also to make a goal for who ** I ** want to become to match him. And maybe he’ll never come along, but maybe, just maybe, it’s because I’m not able to be his helpmeet just yet.

I created a list in the past- but I see now just how needy that girl that I used to be was. “A man to call me beautiful every day.” Rare is that man and although it would be nice… it’s not necessary anymore. God calls me beautiful and beloved and I need to solidify myself in this before any man can finally be in my life.

No matter what though, I will become more beautiful in Him if I take this time to dig into Him and who I truly am called to be. I’m hoping to have some amazing journeys in the mean time. I’m praying about doing a refugee camp medical missions trip to Greece in march/April but I’m trying to get incredibly aggressive with my student loans so I’m unsure if I should or not. And would it look shameful if a doctor tried to raise funds to go on a trip so that I could still go but stay aggressive on the loans?

So Dear Readers,

If you want, join me in continuing on this new journey of defining yourself in Him as I do the same. Start to work on a vision board for yourself too if you feel to. Let’s start making God and self-growth in Him our priorities in a way we haven’t done before.

Seeking to become who He called me to be,

Rebekah M.

Ephesians 1:4 “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.”

article source- https://www.inc.com/amy-morin/science-says-your-vision-board-actually-decreases-chances-of-living-your-dreams-heres-what-to-do-instead.html

Building My Future

I’m considering the journal Scribe Bible Journal. I’m not sure if any has tried it yet? Any thoughts?

All I know is yesterday I spent HOURS hashing over my financial goals- what are my real goals for myself and a few other things.

Finances: I gotta pay off these student loans. my exbf was obsessed about them not even knowing their true amount. He even talked of helping me pay them off in the weeks leading up before he broke up with me. I had honestly thought he was going to be my soft place to land… that with his help I could finally just finish them off in 1.5rys… but I don’t need him or anyone other than God and I have to finally accept that as truth for my life. Without any extra payments it’ll take another 8.5yrs. With extra payments if I get aggressive it should take another 3 years. At this point I’ve already trimmed it down to 8yrs with a few moves and since I couldn’t pay during my residency years the amount I paid off in excess these last 2 years only covered what had been added on from accrued interest but I’m hoping with God’s help, I’ll pay them off even before my anticipated aggressive goal of “shortly before 2023.”

Emotional Health:
– I need to embrace that I hurt from this break up. I loved him, so VERY deeply. Part of me still wishes he’d just wake up and realize that together, we can take on the world together- keeping each other laughing, him happily humming, me dancing around loving all the hedgies (I am obsessed with hedgehogs).. but he hasn’t come back and there are no assurances he ever will. I need to accept that it hurts but…
– I WILL be okay. I never needed a man and I need to make myself wake up that I still don’t- but I do want one. And I have to believe that God’s Word is true- Delight thyself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. So Lord- give me YOUR desires for my heart. Either finally bring Isaac in Your timing or just PLEASE, please take away this desire to finally be loved by a man. Please.

Life issues: I really really gotta get some annoying paperwork done in my life. I’m so inundated with paperwork at work that I put off stuff for my own life- but I’m ready now. I’m on vacation currently but I’m going to go back to home- ready to take back the last few things I have to do to finally take control of my life. Having filled out some forms here and even got my passport picture taken.

Physical Health: this is MY priority. My exbf got honestly… overbearing about it at times… but that is my past. I’m going to look forward to my future and continue my weekly hikes as well as hopefully start incorporating more of the BodyFX videos I bought in my every day. If I ever let a man back in, he NEEDS to RESPECT the gains I make and just be supportive when I’m sick.

Spiritual health/Life goals: I’m going on a 40 day fast starting Monday – to finally hash out my dreams in Christ. I realized I finally accomplished my goal to become a doctor but what is my NEXT dream- clearly becoming a wife/mother is NOT gonna happen any time soon. I can’t just make someone love me even though I can make an amazing japanese curry and even homemade butter from scratch and happen to also be a doctor. But… who am I then? I’ve dreamed so long to become a “mrs.” that I realize… I gotta stop this. I have GOT to get a new dream that isn’t going to be dependent on any man or other person to make it happen- I can only rely on Jesus.

So pray with me folks. Fast with me even if you want- let’s pray together for God to start opening our eyes to His dreams for our futures.

This is likely the most raw, unedited version of me you’ve met in all these years, but here I am- ready to walk forward in His future for me. I dream of a medical missions yearly – maybe more if He wills- but I long for a man to serve beside… can He finally help me put that to the side? I cannot live life wishing for something that’s completely beyond my control.

Searching for my way in Him,

Rebekah M.

Defined Chpt 2: The Confusion of Your Identity

Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God

~ Rom 12:2

The Kendrick brothers start the chapter here and so have I. They note:

“People who begin embracing a lie about their identity will constantly struggle with confusion and inconsistencies between their thoughts and emotions on the one hand and the reality of God’s Word and everyday life on the other.”

I have been this person. I still am her at times. I try so hard to embrace that God created me to be His warrior in prayer and yet I’m so exhausted and loaded with the daily grind I cannot even think some days. My soul and mind and heart are poured out often and especially with a recent break up, I cannot help but feel drained at times.

I loved him so deeply.

It is hard to have actually, finally, had a year long relationship- one that I loved so deeply and fully for once. One that I thought was finally “the one” and yet find myself here again, struggling with not letting myself feel rejected when he stated it was for his own spiritual personal growth that he did this, and wishing so badly he was still deep in my life like he was.

But I am more than just a broken heart or a boyfriendless/husbandless woman. 

I did love him, but I cannot let him or any other man ever be my world again. Jesus needs to be my world and men can come and go, but I will still be okay. A woman lost her husband to suicide and she told me “I told God, YOU have to hold my heart, years ago and that is how I am doing well.” I cried and asked her to pray for me. I believe it did help.

God has called me to battle. Yesterday’s preachings BOTH touched on David and Goliath and that was at two separate churches with two different ministers! God told me I had to go to the second church even though it was an hour away- that He had a message for me. I thought it might be about “the one” or something else like that… instead it was a battle cry.

The morning started with “we must slay our giant which is our thoughts before we can put on the armor that is only accessible by royalty but then take them up and know that slaying the giant is only the beginning.” The evening was a battle cry.

Fight with His weapons! Stop looking with YOUR eyes! Prayer, fasting, the name of Jesus, His blood, His Word – these are our weapons. Get SO angry with the devil that you go on the offensive because the best defense is a good offense.

This is who I am created to be and to shine forth as- one who fights in the spirit, not in the flesh. Who fights with love, not anger and hatred.

Lord, let it all shed away and let me finally fully embrace YOUR identity for me- not what the world would tell me “discarded yet once again” “unloveable” “undesireable” “worthless.”

Dear Readers,

May you too take up God’s mantle and identity for you. May you too reject what the world is trying to label you as. May you too pick up your sword, your shield, your amour and fight in Him. Learn the word I was given yesterday that

David and Goliath

I’ve started listening to David and Goliath: underdogs, misfits, and the art of battling Giants by Malcolm Gladwell and there is SO much of a spiritual implication in the very thing he centers his book around. For a non-Christian book, I’m amazed at what he teaches first and then the rest of it continues to strengthen this concept.

We all look at the story of David and Goliath as this completely undersized and way under-matched battle of a massive giant vs a tiny teenage shepherd but when one removes themselves from the “THERE IS A MASSIVE GIANT! THERE IS A MASSIVE GIANT!” and just view it from a new perspective a few things come to light:

  1. David had proven himself as a skilled ranged warrior – he had killed both a lion and a bear – while Goliath was an infantryman. In war, as rock trumps scissors and scissor trump paper but paper trumps rock, so does infantryman > cavalry > ranged warriors > infantryman. Based on who he was alone (a skilled ranged warrior) he already had the upper hand over the enemy (Goliath, an infantryman).
  2. When you look more closely at Goliath he starts to seem more… frail. Here was this big infantryman and yet he still had a shield bearer. According to the book, an expert on war of that era noted that shield bearers were used not in infantryman of the time, but ranged warriors. So why would he have one? And why did he note “staves” instead of the singular format? And why/how was he so big? Because he likely had a condition called Acromegaly. In this disease, a tumor of the pituitary gland causes uncontrolled release of the growth hormone – so everything gets bigger and you can have issues even walking etc since your body wasn’t made to grow that big. It also can cause a part of the nerves to the eyes to get pressed on and cause vision issues. So this MASSIVE enemy is that way because of a medical condition that was also making him have bad enough vision a shield bearer was used to be his guide. As the book notes:

    The very thing that gave the giant his size was also the source of his greatest weakest.

  3. Everyone including King Saul expected David to fight Goliath on his terms. Goliath kept asking for a man to come fight him in assumed hand-to-hand combat but here comes David and he’s got no armor on and wielding only a staff and pouch on his side. Goliath, with his horrible vision, likely could only see the staff and his vision was so bad he even thought it was multiple “staves”. By the time David was running at him with his sling up at his side and the stone was killing him was likely mere minutes, if not seconds. He might have never even saw what was happening and at most might have only realized it for the split second before death.
    We are under no obligation to fight the enemy on his terms.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who was getting incredibly upset with staying at our church and feeling like “I don’t even want to raise my future kids here.” Being the sister of the children’s pastor and also having a deep love for my church, I had to fight myself from getting upset and wanting to stop the conversation immediately. As we talked some more it finally came to me. “[friend] have you ever thought that this was an attack from the enemy?” Churches can get growing pains (churches are like hospitals, if every one there is perfectly healthy there’s actually something wrong) and thankfully he did seem to turn around his thinking when realizing maybe it was the enemy trying to get him out of church. I’m thankful God taught me a loving answer and had me work to support him. Our church would lose out if he left – every soul is precious and he’s been a good friend to me and others over the years.

So Dear Readers,

Let’s go forward with this new concept deep in our hearts: when the enemy looks SO big and scary, let’s give our fears to God and let Him help us see our unique advantages in this seemingly outmatched battle. Let us ask Him how we should fight and remember that the very thing that intimidates us might sometimes be the very source of their greatest weakness.

Thankful for a Perfect Commander in Christ who knows all our life’s battles and who created us with unique advantages and has the perfect plan for victory,

Rebekah M.

Recovery

God’s timing on everything is amazing. At the time I somewhat recognized that (although I never thought that my exbf truly would break up with me) but if he did, at least I’d be home with my parents for my birthday. In my mind he’d be beside me at least via videochat (issues with flights/timing work etc). Here though- my mom has indulged me with her buttered lobster dish and I have been free to breathe and just… heal.

I know that what my exbf did was of God. I know he MUST have this time to find out if he’s serving Christ for himself… but it doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. It doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally let my human side feel rejected and “was it that I wasn’t good enough? was my love not enough yet again?”

But God whispers to me “My love, when your heart is finally ready, he will come.”

He isn’t promising it’s the same guy.

He just promises me that my dreams of being a wife and mother can still be a dream, just don’t have to define me and it’s okay if they don’t come to pass.

MUCH better to marry late than marry wrong.

The march of men of my past were SO many unworthy guys. Jerks. Lazy. and much more. Many were decent and even a few really good (this was my 5th official boyfriend, I’m in my 30s, and I’ve obviously talked to more than 5 guys). This guy was literally my dream man… and it is a little scary to think maybe I’ll never meet another guy like this… but I have to believe God has my best in mind.

So… while I wait I heal.

When my patients come to me wanting to be back on their feet from a pneumonia or cold within less than a week sometimes I want to just look at them like they’re crazy. We MUST rest at times. What some deem “a little cold” might be a serious infection that takes the body 1-2 weeks to get over- maybe even more. When I had pneumonia it took almost half a year for my body to recover. It was FRUSTRATING and worse, my exbf  even yelled at me for not going to the gym- just like my first exbf. I almost broke up with him for that but I had to have compassion in my heart for his dad died when he was in his teens.

I wish I could teach my exbf that although he’s right and it’s good to take care of the bodies God has given us- just like the cars/houses/etc that He’s given us to function in this world- he needs to forgive his dad and he needs to realize that if we’re doing our best – God covers the rest.

So… in this time of healing and reflecting, I just wait. God will do the healing.

So dear reader,

When you are hurt whether physically, mentally, or emotionally give yourself the time and space to heal. God has created a season for everything and currently, this is my time to be healed and restored. Shining even better and brighter than before.

Doctor’s orders 😉

In Him,

Rebekah M.

Redefined in Him

I have come to realize that my whole life- I have wished SO badly to be defined as “wanted by a man.” The reasons behind the whys of all this are varied and run so deep. I do not blame my parents, for I believe much of it stems from the cultural issues between their home country and mine, their slowly budding faith during my formative years which began when they converted to Christianity when I was 4, and the lies of the enemy sown deep into our world.

In the 80s and 90s and even beyond, Hollywood and the world have taught women over and over again that she is only of worth if she is deemed “sexy” and “wanted [by men originally and now male or female, but in a sexual manner].” As I was growing up, these lessons were taught to me too through billboards, movies, TV, and more. I came to see myself as only someone walking in the path God took her (medical school and more), but still worthless since no man had finally claimed me as “his.”
This is the biggest lie from the pit of hell to girls and women.
This break up made me finally see the truth: I am defined by who GOD says I am! Just because I have never been a wife nor a mother does not mean that I haven’t nurtured the younger ones and it does not mean that I am unwanted and worthless.

I don’t know how to to explain this. You can even read some of my old posts and see that I’ve said this before, but it was a… maybe 10% understanding of who I truly am in Him.

He has been using the time of sorrow to turn me into the kind of woman who can finally walk in the destiny He’s created for her, no longer bound by the definitions of this world that chained me.

Each day, I have felt it deeper and more real – I am a woman of strength, integrity, love, and intelligence that is called by the One true God to be a witness that He is GOOD and the ULTIMATE PHYSICIAN- of mind, body, and spirit!

This world broke my self-worth but God has been restoring it slowly over the years.

So may blog posts about men and God making me shine more… but in it all I still had this goal of becoming a wife/mother in mind… but is that who God truly created me to be? I honestly don’t think that is God’s definition of anyone to be honest.

When I think about it Jesus was a son, brother, and I’m sure an uncle- but He was not defined by those things- so why would I ever try to make myself defined by an external role? Is a person of any less worth if they do not have a sibling? Is a man defined as less because he’s never had a girlfriend? Is a widow no longer of worth when their spouse dies or does a divorce make one trash? No. No. No.

So why are we allowing this world to define us? Why are we allowing Hollywood and the pits of hell tell us anything about who we are?

I just keep hearing God tell me “You are marvelous my child.” EVERYTHING I told this man in our last, parting conversation on Sunday after I gave him that note I hear GOD telling ME- I’m braver, stronger, more amazing than even I can see <3.

Oh the tears, battles, and more that I have fought chasing to finally be a definition that the WORLD has been trying to make me think I needed to chase. If worldly love never finds me again, I am still beloved by Jesus Christ. If I never have children of my own, I can still nurture the future generations. If I never have another man love me, I am still of worth.

Oh Lord! I see it now- I see myself in Your mirror as I never have before! THANK YOU JESUS for finally, finally opening my eyes to who I am in You!

I don’t know if that man and I are ever meant to be together again- I honestly deeply wish it so – but I know now – it doesn’t matter. I have a calling and I have a purpose on this earth and a man wanting to be with me does not make me of worth- For You God have already made me priceless beyond measure when You died for me on the cross.

Dear Reader,

I pray God open your eyes to who He sees you are. The scales have fallen off my eyes for myself. What the enemy intended for evil- God used to create such good! I’m free! I’m free! I’m finally, really free of what the world wants to define me as- worthless for no man wants to claim me as his own- that is SUCH a lie!!!! You can be free too! I promise you, I promise you dear reader- don’t let the enemy lie to you. Pray for God to open your eyes and ears to HIS WORDS. You’ll need to stop watching movies, stop watching TV shows, get away from the songs and magazines of this world- but it’ll be worth it. To break the ties of definitions created by Hollywood and this world, you must shield yourself away. You will only be bombarded with messages that you aren’t good enough and you are stupid/fat/ugly etc when put up against the air brushed images presented to you. In seeking Him in prayer and reading His Word and finding Godly resources will you finally see who you truly are. Beautiful/handsome, magnificent, and loved.

Redefined In Him,

Rebekah M.

1 Corinthians 3:13
his workmanship will be evident, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will prove the quality of each man’s work.