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This guy and my dad are SO much alike that today my dad made me realize he probably misunderstood SO much of things. I am SO full of regret on not expressing myself better- he knew I’m so bad at speaking up for myself that I fumbled and fumbled HARD in doing so.

A few things I haven’t disclosed well yet. Basically, this man is the KINDEST, most wonderful, amazing, man I have ever dated with SO many qualities of Christ and he doesn’t even realize he has. But a few weeks ago a minister texted me out of the blue and said the Holy Ghost wanted him to ask me “are you sure he’s the one?”

I told my pastor who said he already had been feeling in the spirit that there was something that just wasn’t right about the two of us. So I ended up asking man for 2 weeks apart to just pray and fast. The more I reflect on some of the things he said during our talk, the more I think

a) the problem was that God was a focus for me, but not MY central focus- I can’t speak for the guy and I wish he had understood I just needed to know what he was thinking and if he was willing to help me walk in that.

b) he went in with a decision to break up already- mainly b/c I think my poor wording made him think he HAD to choose between engagement or break up when I really needed to know was if he still wanted to be with me and for him to say he was committed to Christ- not a spiritual powerhouse, just committed to growing in Him as he has been doing. Sometimes I just need to hear things even if it’s already happening – kinda like “I love you” – nice to hear it even if their actions already say they do.

c) those two weeks apart transformed me. I went from “we better get engaged by the end of this year or I’m leaving him” to “I am not ready to be a wife.” I straight up told my pastor “I will never be able to be married if I don’t figure out how to be in a relationship but still keep God first, not the man.” (It’s part of why I’m starting the “Defined” series by the Kendrick brothers and any of you reading are welcome to join me at 5PM PST on Mondays).

d) I have let so many of my fears get in the way of just enjoying this relationship. If only he had gone into Thursday as my heart was- ready to just see what God had done in the two weeks … but he couldn’t hear my words.

e) He didn’t gets a heads up on the change- I just assumed he’d know that 2 weeks with God can transform my direction in a MAJOR way. But he’s still learning so much- he’s 10 years younger than me. I shouldn’t have assumed he’d know this about me when I’ve never shown him that God does this to me.

f) he doesn’t have to be 100% sure he can grow to where he thinks my future husband should be- just sure that he wants to emulate Christ as best as he can- and that’s more than enough.

So despite my hurt I’m ready to lay my heart bare: Yes. Yes he is the one whom my soul lovest. He is the one for me if he would just realize what his actions already show: that he is committed to Christ and he’s growing a little day by day.

I’m planning on sending him an email detailing things more soon so please pray.

Still broken but with eyes opened and heart bare:

Rebekah M.

Begging for Love

Years ago with my second boyfriend as he was breaking up with me, I begged him to give “us” a chance. I begged and begged until he finally agreed but then he changed his mind again after tearful kisses.

I promised myself to never again beg for love.

I’m so grateful that guy and I didn’t work out- he’s clearly not in church anymore.

This latest guy, as we were breaking up I told him I wouldn’t beg for love and honestly, I think if I had, it would have turned him off.

He was so good for me. Helping encourage in me a strength I never knew.

I was suicidal with the last break up and this time around all I can do is wish he would have reached out in faith saying “yes, I too want to give God all.” But I have no thoughts like that. I have no wish to die- instead I dream of a life filled with love and adventure- +/- a man at my side.

The crazier part is I truly don’t know if this latest ex is or is not in a place of full submission to Christ. I think he thought I wanted him to become a spiritual powerhouse in the 2 weeks apart when I just needed him to be willing to say, and mean, that he had and wanted to give God everything- every last bit, just like I have.

My dad pointed out to me though, that his engineering mind likely needed to say it with 100% certainty that he won’t go back on it. God just needs us to try- failing when trying to do this is ok. We get back up and try again. He LOVES when we fall in trying something like this as babies first learning to walk.

So he walked away because of his identituncertainty.

So I wrote him an email I and my friends are praying about on timing. If he is never to come back to me, I’m not sure God will ever let me send it. I know him to be a man so capable of everything and I know he can lead me spiritually- if only he’s willing to give God all but I think he let himself and the enemy convince him otherwise.

I didn’t beg, but I did tell him in the end:

You + Jesus = more than I ever dreamed of

Lord:

I see now going forward that although this man was EVERYTHING I dreamed of in a man- this one thing I am unsure we were on the same page on. He still has my heart God, if You could help him see all that You have for those who give themselves over to you, please bring him back to me. But, if he never will, please raise up my future husband to meet me in your timing. Help me do Your Will in the end and walk in full submission to you.

In Him,

Rebekah M

My heart

The pain.

The brokenness.

I miss you so badly.

Why did you walk away instead of choose faith and handing your life over to Him completely.

He doesn’t ask more from us than we can give. He just asks what we can and he provides the rest- even faith.

“Help thou my unbelief” is a prayer He not only hears, but answers in ample supply.

Why did you walk away my love instead if trying to boldly walk together in Him?

Lord,

Hear my heart’s cry. I still love Him. Surround him with your love and if he’s the one, open his eyes to see all that You promise to those who are chosen, for they have chosen to give you their all. But heal me in the mean time and prepare me for whomever you have, one eventually willing to say “whatever You ask of me, Lord.”

Still so broken in Him,

Rebekah M.

Called Vs Chosen

As I sit here once again, heartbroken and once again out of another relationship where I had loved the man more deeply than anyone before him I have a few thoughts:

  1. I really need to get back into blogging – I’m thinking Mondays 5pm PST and I’m going to be going through Defined by the Kendrick brothers.
  2. I and my posts needs to be about more than just men- I am SO much more than having a worth attached to if a man calls me “his”
  3. Each of us have a different journey on love – mine feels SO long and protracted. Why am I about to turn 35 and yet again, I’m STILL single, my eggs are just dying more and more every day, and my dreams of having a loving husband and kids feels farther and less possible every day… and yet…
  4. I needn’t loose hope

This last man- he was SO much younger than the rest but he was the most kind, respectful, sweet, and loving of them all. When I had to completely overturn my apartment due to bed bugs he didn’t get angry or complain, he just helped me – for 10 hours and then offered to help again the next day if necessary.

When I was unsure about what next step to take- I’d often talk to him and he’d either offer decent advice or even tell me to chat with pastor when they were really big things.

In so much of our time together he ALWAYS pushed me to do things for ME and make sure that I wasn’t letting anyone or even him walk all over me.

I am a co-dependent. I accept that my usual default is to seek to please others to the detriment of myself. I have worked on this all year and this latest ex never let me be co-dependent with him.

I sit here in tears, knowing he did what was best for us, thankful for our times together where he helped make me stronger and better, and wishing so badly that he had just reached out with a little faith and decided to let me help him grow in faith as he’s helped me grow in personality.

See- why we broke up was because he didn’t feel he could lead me spiritually. He’s a decade younger and in that decade between us is SO much time that I spent deep in God’s inner throne. I am NOT special. But not only am I called- but I have been chosen.

Chosen not because I am special- but because I am willing- willing to give every last penny, every last minute, every last bit of me – my home, my car, my life – to Him.

My deepest desire is to see the saved lost. My deepest hope is to see as many come to heaven with me- saying “she did _______ and that’s part of why I’m here today.” And to me- there is nothing in this world that comes before that calling….. but I haven’t been living that as much as I have/should have this past year with this man.

Last year, I got pneumonia- twice. Six months of battling the worst sickness of my life- this man was a pillar of laughter, soup, cough syrup, and support. Then work got insane and even as I was grumpily battling doing notes for work- he would hum along next to me doing his work- happy to be with me.

How I have longed so badly for a man who would just be happy to be in the same space as me… and he was.

But I hid the side of me that was willing to go to church at 9AM every sunday to give bible studies before church, willing to use every available night for bible studies- if only to help others grow in Him and become more grounded so that the cares of this world don’t blow them away.

Partially because it was nice to “take a break” and just live, partially because I was afraid he would leave me- and he has.

But here and now- I freshly choose God. I chose God when I listened to the prophet sent to ask me “are you sure he’s the one?” 6 weeks ago and really took a big step back in the relationship to evaluate things. I chose God when I asked for 2 weeks of radio silence, knowing that any time we were apart his fears grow and he becomes more likely to break up with me but certain this is what God wanted. I chose God when I didn’t force him to tell me last night if he wanted to break up over text because I would rather trust that in God’s timing, all things will work out as He wills.

I cannot be with just anyone. I see it now- I MUST be with a man who is just as willing to let God have complete control over our finances, knowing that He is the God of a cattle of a thousand hills. A man who, even if not asked to do it, is willing to move at a moment’s notice from God if asked to. A man who loves me more and more every day as we pray together and tear things down in the spirit together – knowing our every day’s battles are only won in Him. He doesn’t have to be there today, but the place that starts is “I am committed to Christ.”

He couldn’t say that yet. My dad pointed out his engineering brain likely thinks he has to be near 100% when he really only needs to be as much as he can- even only 51% and God cam fill in the rest.

So readers, if there’s any of you left, choose you this day who you will serve. Stand with me and let’s serve Him together and encourage each other to seek Him first always and above even our deepest desire.

And before anyone thinks I have negative thoughts on this last ex- I love him. We only broke up today so the love is still so fresh and so real. I will ALWAYS respect him for he was so kind, wonderful, and respectful of me. I honestly believe that he has it in him to be my husband… but only if he desires God above everything else in this world. And since he himself said he does not know if he can – at least for now – he cannot be the one.

But I have hope- hope that even if he never comes to that place, there will be someone. If God didn’t care about who I married He wouldn’t have stepped into my life via prophecy twice now to guide me in my relationships.

So newest ex- I don’t know if you’re reading this- but I love you and I truly wish the best for you. If you ever do decide you are committed to Him and know that for yourself- please come back to me.

In the mean time, whether it is this past man or another, I will continue on in this season of singleness knowing that God is my savoir and my one true love. Ready and willing to be the chosen- for I have chosen to give Him everything- every last bit of me.

Broken in Him,

Rebekah M.

I Didn’t Say Yes (Part 2)

Over Valentine’s Day my boyfriend was amazing. Two year’s before, I had been dating someone else and I went all out for him: a half dozen bacon roses with zuppa toscana soup for a starter, $20 of filet mignon with bacon wrapped asparagus for the main course, and homemade chocolate used to dip strawberries in.

He was so unworthy.

Within a month he was accusing me of being a temptress wanting **almost** sex all the time, even right after church, when I wanted him to just hold my hand since he hadn’t done so in weeks. This was the same man that I “didn’t say yes” to. I think it was his guilt that did it- for him to be SO mean and accusing.

This year though- this year- this other man, over 10 yrs that other person’s junior, was so much more mature, sweet, and kind. He made me chicken marsala from scratch and brought it to a local outdoor mall so we could eat and walk afterwards. As we walked, I felt my heart splintering a little- I liked him SO much but he didn’t know yet; he didn’t know what that other person had done to me.

So… I finally broke down and told him that I thought it was time he finally knew. I was holding back because I needed to know that he wouldn’t walk away from me despite what had happened. I believed him to be a man who wouldn’t, but part of me just kept worrying he couldn’t accept the “used” me.

He told me he wanted to confess something to me too and went first. It was soooo innocent comparably, I could only fear more that he would still not be able to accept me as I am… but then… when I finally told him… he just held me as I cried. He promised me this was not something that would make him walk away from me. That he was more than able to accept me having had this happen to me. That he would NEVER do anything similar and I was safe with him.

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This is how Christ is with us. I’ve believed all my life that my future husband would help me experience a deeper understanding of God and this relationship has been doing that. To accept me, scars and all, is exactly how Christ loves us. We can bring ANYTHING to Him and He’ll hold us as we work through the pain and then promise us that with Him, He will only continue to honor and respect us despite the scars. 

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I love this man of mine.

Over a month later and I only know more and more each day that I love him and I want to marry him one day.

Jesus, 

Thank you for this man of mine. I couldn’t have asked for a kinder, sweeter man. I pray that if it is Your Will, we come together as man and wife one day.  Heal our respective wounds and hold us each close in the mean time. Continue to help us understand You and Your love better each day in how we interact. Lord, bless these readers and help them know that whatever they bring to the table- there is NOTHING that You cannot cover and that You cannot spread Your healing balm of love over. You are THE great physician and I know that You can bring them healing as You have been doing in me. 

Thank you Jesus,

Rebekah M

I Didn’t Say Yes (Part 1)

The Me Too movement has been going on for quite some time now and has brought about conversations on consent among many, on and offline. The conversations I have had, few as they are, have delved deep into a place I have tried to pretend didn’t exist.

You see, as a “good Christian girl” I have tried to stay pure and not have sex. As my “Visions” series showed years ago though- although I haven’t had full on sex- I have done much more than I ever should have and I never dreamed I would have done outside the confines of marriage when I first set out dating.

As a child, I thought I’d meet a man, we’d fall madly in love, get married summer between undergrad and med school, and then have a glorious reign as a power couple in church; both still virgins who never kissed until the alter.

This, however, did not happen.

I found myself 26, never having held a man’s hand before, and desperately wondering how was I that ugly and unattractive that almost no man wanted to date me.

And so when my first boyfriend came along, I caved in with kisses (after he stole my first kiss) and eventually more. And with the 2nd I gave in some more. Each one pulling more from me than the first and each one leaving part of me with them- forever gone are things I’ll never get back.

The worst time though- the worst – was when one of my ex-boyfriends did something that I did not say yes to. I didn’t say “no” either- I was frozen. In shock that this thing- his thing – was in part of me. Not **there** but still… in me. I didn’t get to say yes or no to it. He just… did it and I was crushed under the weight of him, under the weight of what he was doing, literally, physically and mentally unable to utter a word or even able to push him off of me.

And the shame- the deep deep shame. How could I, a Christian female, tell anyone what he had done? It was MY FAULT for allowing myself to be in a situation where he felt at liberty to do that- to put that – in places I didn’t ask for it to be.

It wasn’t rape in my book- I didn’t object, I didn’t even try to push him off so he couldn’t have known at the time. I just laid there, unable to move or speak, and before I knew it it was over. He was out of me and I was left unsure.

Afterwards, excited, he asked me if I liked it and “wasn’t it so great?”

I halfheartedly said “yeah”

The overwhelming shame silenced me from saying anything further.

The guilt of having allowed myself to be in a place where what he had done was even possible ate me to my core. In my head it was MY FAULT that I let my boyfriend of the time think it would be an okay action to try on me.

He apparently eventually blamed me as well. Months later as we were breaking up, he disgustedly look at me to tell me how gross I was for wanting **THAT** after church services – after I was begging for him to just hold my hand. Apparently I was a temptress who only led him to do bad things. It was the only time I yelled at a man other than my father in my adulthood.

“I don’t want that! I just want you to hold my hand!” I screamed, but he was sure: I wanted *almost* sex apparently all day, every day, especially after church, even though we hadn’t even held hands in weeks.

I’m still working through some of this with my counselor. At some point, I’ll have the courage to tell my current boyfriend. For now, his assurances I don’t have to tell him anything until I’m ready make me feel safe.

He has never tried to even hold my hand since pastor told him not to, and the safety I feel with him honoring that I cannot explain. It is SO invaluable to me, having lived through what I did. To know that he will honor that level of not being physically intimate yet, until he’s more sure of if he loves me/wants to marry me, tells me that I would be safe from ever being in a situation like that with him.

I write this in tears, so thankful for this man who I’m dating now, and so grateful for a God who can heal even the deepest of wounds. I have given that guilt, shame, pain, and fear to Him- and He has given me back beauty for such horrible, ugly ashes.

I need time for this amazing man to prove that my heart, my honor, and my body are safe with him. That he won’t push me to places I don’t want to go; that he won’t put things in places that I haven’t asked for them to be; that he won’t be among the males who have walked away from me, leaving me broken in their dust.

If you dear reader, have had a similar situation- if you have shame for allowing yourself to be in a place where a man feels at liberty to put **that** in any place you never asked for it to be (or a woman felt at liberty to put *you* in places you didn’t ask to be) – but you didn’t fight, you didn’t even say no, so you don’t feel calling it rape is accurate either – know you are not alone. Also, know that God has such deep levels of love, compassion, and healing for you- as He did me. I could not be in the relationship that I am in currently if it wasn’t for His healing power.

You are not alone.

Your healing can start today.

Jesus,
I ask You now, You know who’s reading this. You know who searched for something to speak to their situation. So speak to them now- help them know that just one word – Your name – Jesus – can heal them. By Your stripes we are healed! You healed this place of deep pain for me, and I know You can for them. In Jesus name, I release Your healing in their heart, mind, and soul right now and I pray You lead them to the right people to help them continue on this journey of healing.

In Jesus name,

Amen.

Rebekah M

Time Will Tell

Since my last post SO much has transpired (as it should in the half a year it’s been!). I have literally been so suicidal I had a plan on how I would will kill myself. I finally got put in touch with a christian counselor and she’s been such a blessing for me. I’ve needed to have someone that I speak with professionally who can help me have HEALTHY relationships.

Work has been a bumpy road. I worked very very very hard for work and have now been out a whole week due to illness. I have not been this sick since age 16. Just walking to my kitchen has me winded and slightly dizzy at times.

However… I do have a development that I want to share with you all: my new boyfriend. This came out of left field for me- as I even told my pastor. We were just friends- the best of friends, but JUST friends. He, being 10 years my junior, never hit my radar as someone who would want to pursue a relationship with me and so I didn’t hold back. I was me- all silly, child-like, harassing me – and he likes me for it. Not since my teens have I REALLY let my walls be completely gone- not hiding any bit of ME from another.

Pastor told him to GO SLOW and advised him not to hold hands or even hug me yet. Extreme I know- but working with the counselor I realized, exactly what >> I need << . If we make it to marriage and he had to wait that long for so much of the physical forms of affection, it’ll help reassure me along the way that he’s in it for ME, and not what he can get out of me.

The last guy… we did more than we should.. and directly after that happened he pulled back. He stopped nightly videochatting with me, he stopped saying he loved me. He broke my heart so badly. I still haven’t had sex- but I gave in to his arguments that we should kiss… and more. I thought since he was telling me things like “i’ve never been so in love with anyone” and “I love you more every day” that it meant he was safe – that it meant he was truly in this long term so it was safe to be doing what we did- but clearly I was wrong.

So.. I need this man to GO SLOW. Let me truly know that I am the Rachel to his Jacob. That I am the Rebekah to his Isaac. That I am the Ruth to his Boaz. Worth the effort; worth the wait; worth fighting for.

And so far… it seems he’s showing all the signs he could be the one. I have deeply longed for a man who would honor my father and want to learn and glean from him. My father is an amazing man. We may not always get along 100%, but I respect him, my pastor, and my brother the most in this world. Those three men are ones who watch out for my soul and hold deep wisdom. And the day after he met my dad (and got permission to date me from him), he texted my dad and asked if he wanted to meet up and get to know his story better. They talked for HOURS at my church. We didn’t even end up talking that day (except via text), but he chatted with my dad face to face for HOURS.

This is what I’ve always longed for.

The moment my best friend asked me out, I told him he had to ask my dad and my pastor for permission and my pastor in turn told him he needed to seek permission from his mom and his former pastor (he moved here and joined my church in may, about a month after my ex and I broke up). That man got it all done within five days- he did not dilly dally! haa haa 🙂

It has been some very interesting weeks since. Before we were dating there were no rules on us and so we met up often, almost daily towards the end. Now, we need to have someone else with us and that can be difficult to find and I’ve been very busy with work stuff so for week 2, we saw each other only as he was taking me to urgent care due to how sick I was.

However, he has been caring, celebrating of the small moments with me (instead of getting angry with me and calling me childish as one ex had done), fun, bratty, and full of adventure.

So I don’t know if he’s the one, but he’s worked hard to create a base for a love story that I have always dreamed of, but lost hope in ever being part of.

The thing I love the most is that I told him I was suicidal after the last breakup (a big part of it was pressure from work to be honest) and his response has been to make sure that I stay emotionally safe enough that if I were ever to lose him (either from a break up or death), that I would be able to keep going even if I lost him.

I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such a man, but I believe him to be sincere since he has been this sweet and caring even before we were dating. Having 5 months of friendship under the belt really has made a big difference in this relationship. I’ve never felt this at ease with a man and yet just… truly adore him.

I can see myself marrying him one day… as long as he doesn’t change. However, as I’ve learned time and time again – only time will tell.

Jesus,

I think You’re in this but if You aren’t- please pull us apart now. If this is Your Will, draw us closer every day as we have been. However, YOUR WILL be done above my own. I’m SO DONE with doing things and dating my way, I’m ready to submit to even the strictest of dating standards if this means that I’ll finally either marry the right man or have the nicest break up I’ve ever had. Either way Lord- have YOUR way.

Rebekah M.

Things My Exes Taught Me

I broke up with the latest guy last night. He went from THE most incredible, loving, sweet, attentive, amazing man I had ever dated to just this COLD, MEAN, RUDE man. I had never thought the man who was a youth pastor, right hand to his pastor, and pillar of his church district would be the same man to voice “Don’t you get it?! Haven’t you been listening?! I told you WEEKS AGO, every time you tell me a story about God I believe less! You haven’t been listening to me for WEEKS NOW. I tried to break up with you weeks ago and you weren’t listening then and it seems like you’re only FINALLY listening to me now!”

Three weeks ago I begged him- if he wasn’t into us, if he truly did not enjoy talking to me then we should see other people. I told him that he deserved to be with a woman he liked to talk to and I deserved to be with a man who loved me and loved to hear from me. So I gave him a choice- we could try for two more weeks or we could break up. His response: “I don’t enjoy talking to you and I can’t see that changing.” I did not interpret that as “Ok, let’s break up.” I did interpret him agreeing to two more weeks as an “ok, let’s try, I’ll be busy with this BIG thing, but let’s give it a little more time to see if we can get along better.”

His words broke my heart.

I loved him more deeply than any man before him. I respected him more highly than all who came before. He could do no wrong in my book at first… and then even when things started to put chinks in his armor – I still believed his core self to be one who would either call things off honorably, or continue getting to know each other. Why he chose this destructive, mean, horrible way of breaking up is SO confusing and unlike who I believed him to be- but everything he said last night made me think I never knew him. That he was never the Godly, sweet, loving, amazing man that I believed him to be. A selfless, loving man would never had said what he said to me.

So what have I learned?

Ex #1 – I deserve better than verbal and emotionally abusive treatment

Ex #2 – some guys only want to date for a time of adventure but just short term

unofficial Ex#3 – if they don’t believe in God, don’t even entertain the thought or God might even send a prophet from Taiwan to tell your praying parents LOL (see my “the visions” series from 2012)

official Ex #3 – just because he begs for a chance to date you doesn’t mean he’ll follow through on his words

Ex #4 – they may look spiritual and sold out for the kingdom, but by their fruits you shall know them

I grew though. I grew SO much from this last relationship- Ex #3 and I restarted my prayer life, Ex #4 helped me be more consistent with my bible reading and dug into my major insecurity issues. If God can provide so much, why have I had such major doubts He could provide a husband in His timing? because I have felt so ugly, unwanted, unlovable, and at times even felt physically disgusting to myself.

But God loves me in a way that covers it all. I do have beauty- beauty that the RIGHT man will see. One who will be just as happy and enthused when I speak of the wonders of Christ. One who won’t get angry with me for saying “thank you Jesus” even for the green lights, but fall in love with me more. One who will be my ministry partner.

Finding hope in my new ashes,

Rebekah M.

Doing It All Wrong

For months I have been dating an amazing man. He has made me a better person; but he is now burnt out from all my fears and insecurities.

I love him and I am broken at the thought that he said he is bored with me and (it feels like) he is  ready to call it quits.

I do not know how to move forward from here. From the time he pulled back A LOT up until now, I’ve been acting out in fear. We had a pretty good weekend together and I ruined the good that was starting up again by asking him if he was “still in this with me.”

His actions said yes, but part of me needed to hear that he was- and it pushed him more away.

I’ve had to take my fears to God and you know what? It should have been there this whole time. God reminded me of when He called a prophet to tell my parents when I was dating a guy not in church- the prophet knew NOTHING about me other than I was my parent’s daughter and yet knew so much that he was never told. So if He could do that, why have I been so worried about this guy walking away from me?

Because he’s been my rock for months now. I have been through hell and back and he stood behind me, holding me up- but he’s so tired now. My love wore himself out trying to be what I needed because both of us should have been going to the Source of all Strength together instead- but we didn’t. I leaned on him and he was eaten up.

I’m going to the King now.

I need Jesus to finally have His full, rightful place between us. We were much better when we were reading the bible together- excitedly seeing things that we’d never seen in the Word before- together. But that fell away.

What if he does walk away?

I will always love and respect him for that time we shared when it was good, but I know that God has me. Each guy I’ve dated has been of better quality- this man being tops so far. Even with his pulling back- he’s not evil for doing so, he’s just uncertain if he thinks I should play a permanent role in his life. He has a right to wonder.

I just truly believe that we can have that chemistry of laughter and humor that he is longing for- just not when his words have made me try to artificially be funny. I’m trying too hard and it’s showing. I don’t know how to fix this, but I do know that if he walks- he has a right to and I just need to be thankful for the times we did share.

In the mean time, he’s voiced things that I know need prayer and fasting so if you readers could- take a moment (or more!) to please pray for this precious man and myself.

Jesus,

I’m sorry for putting this man first for a time. It ruined our relationship. I don’t know how to find the way back (if that’s even possible) but You know what’s best for both of us. Hold us in Your arms now Jesus and just fix what should be fixed and allow to break what needs to break. Mold me and make me better- whether for this relationship or another. I truly, finally, accept and trust that You can manage even my romantic relationships. I’m so sorry for my doubt. I’m so sorry for placing him above You for a bit. I’m so thankful You’re always right there for me, waiting.

In Him,

Rebekah M.

My Best Self

I got in a fight with someone today. In the end, it was mainly more we are both under LOTs of stress and neither are communicating well with each other on things. I called my boyfriend up to discuss the situation and he did exactly what I knew he’d do- analyze it completely and not take sides. If anything, he took the other person’s side! haa haa!

I mentioned in my post about the perfect mate and how Jesus is my Picard that I need to mold to Him so that I can be my best self. With this man, I find he’s helping me be that.  He encourages me to be my most Christ-like self. He helped me use words for peace and bridging the gap when all I wanted to do was tell them off but the God side of me wanted reconciliation.

I’ve never had a man in my life that I trusted his counsel and wisdom to this level. Who’s perspective I not only want, but need. I am such a very emotional creature. I love with my whole heart and mere words can cut it deeply. He’s so logical and although he can feel emotions deeply, he doesn’t usually let them affect his actions.

To be honest, typically it would have taken a few days to get me to the point where he got me in a few hours. I was SO hurt and offended by the words from the other person that I could barely see straight in the situation. Part of me knew I should extend grace and forgiveness, but part of me was just offended and hurt. He helped me get past that mess to get to the healing.

All these weeks I just keep thinking: I’m so lucky. He’s truly the most handsome man I’ve ever dated. He tells me I’m beautiful almost every day. He and I started reading the bible together daily at his leading. He makes sure I know he thinks I’m worth every effort he puts forth for me and more.

To have a man in my life who loves God, cares for me so deeply, and pushes me to be my best self… I feel so beyond blessed.

Jesus, 

Thank You for this new man. Thank You for someone who’s as kind, gentle, patient, and sweet to me as he is. Thank You that he tries to put You first and pushes me to be my best self. 

Thank You Jesus,

Rebekah M.

 

related link: https://beingrebekah.com/2015/02/24/the-perfect-mate-jesus-is-my-picard/