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Prayer Monday: Purge Me

May27

I haven’t been doing so well lately.  Something in me is restless. I found myself easily angered by stupid things. I found myself frustrated beyond belief unnecessarily. I found myself recently failing a trial. Today while driving home, I just poured my heart out. Sobbing to the One who can comfort me, I told Him just how much I was sorry for failing once again. I told Him how much I just wanted to be free of the things that seem to trip me up.  I was torn up and broken before Him. In that time though, of truly allowing my heart to be open before Him, I found Him just going in and dumping out all the muck. He dug in, taking out the things that I have no power to take out on my own. As He did His work, I felt His incredible sorrow that I wrote about ME feeling for a friend of mine (in the post God’s Sorrow)… but His sorrow was just as deep and directed AT ME.  Then… as I poured more of myself out, I felt Him opening up my heart and letting His light shine. To bring back life and hope. So that I could feel His forgiveness. To see His divine purpose.  To realize that He had more things to burn away from my soul, but that everything is allowed in an effort so that I can be His light. So that I will be ready for the ministry He has in store for me.

So reader, if you feel led to, join me in this prayer:

Jesus, 

I’m desperate for You. I’m longing for You. Come like a flood, purge me of myself, and saturate me now with You. You’re all I want. Clean out everything within me, burn out the bad in me, and make me whole and new in You. As my dad once prayed for me, give me a new bottle… all the different kinds of bottles that hold all the different kinds of promises- of family, of jobs, of friends, of ministry… give us all new bottles- ones filled with hope and YOUR blessings. Things that seem dead and stale in our lives and hearts, purge them, and replace them with YOU.  Be everything in our lives. Fill every last crevice that was cleaned out as You purged us. Fill it with Your love, Your purpose, Your plan.  Use us to share Your good news! You are alive! You want to give us good lives! Praise You Jesus! Praise You God! 

Rebekah M. 

P.S. Below I’ve put a video up of a song I recently put on facebook. This song is still resonating in my heart today, even stronger actually.

Stretch Forth Thine Hand

May4

And he entered again into the synagogue; and there was a man there which had a withered hand. And they watched him, whether he would heal him on the sabbath day; that they might accuse him. And he saith unto the man which had the withered hand, Stand forth. And he saith unto them, Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath days, or to do evil? to save life, or to kill? But they held their peace. And when he had looked round about on them with anger, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, he saith unto the man, Stretch forth thine hand. And he stretched it out: and his hand was restored whole as the other. ~ Mark 3:1-5

God had used this passage of verses before to touch my heart as I wrote about back in October last year.  These past few days, God allowed me the chance to go to a ladies’ conference which has been SO good for my soul!  One of the nights, they had “prayer tunnel” created by having two lines facing each other of ministers’ wives and all the ladies lined up to walk in between the two lines. As you walked through, the ministers’ wives prayed over us. As I went through something in my so deeply prayed for a husband and for God to just do whatever else He wanted with my life- use me as He will, move me where He will, keep me with my sicknesses or take them away.  As I finished up handthe line I went to sit back in my seat and felt the need to open my Bible. It automatically fell on the above passage and instantly I felt God saying that He wanted to make the final healing in my heart.  I will NEVER be ready for Isaac without a fully healed heart.  As I allowed the words to sink in, I cried, thanking God and I stretched forth first one hand and then the other.  Tears streaming down, I let go of the things in my heart. I stretched my hands out in faith, believing Him faithful to heal me.  I post this in faith, continuing to believe that I was healed! My heart is whole- whole from Ex #1, whole from Ex #2, even whole from giving up the third guy- unofficially an ex… from consciously choosing God over the first guy to treat me like gold.  I know I made the right choice and either he’ll come to God and we’ll end up together, or God will send someone else- but I know more than ever that I did make the right choice and that I have hope.  I have hope that God will honor my choice- that He will not leave my soul in pain unless there is a plan and a reason- even if it’s because my Isaac has more to grow before he’s ready to be the man I need.  I trust you God, I trust You Jesus. I stretched forth my hand and I am healed!!!

Rebekah M.

Related post:

https://beingrebekah.com/2012/10/07/forgiveness-and-renewal-revisited/

Restoration (Part III)

Apr30

“So David recovered all that the Amalekites had carried away, and David rescued his two wives. And nothing of theirs was lacking, either small or great, sons or daughters, spoil or anything which they had taken from them; David recovered all” (1 Samuel 30: 1-8, 18-19).

Four years ago I went through a very trying time in my faith. My spiritual family and I were hurt very deeply during this time. My godparents were falsely accused of many terrible things. Through much prayer, I eventually made the decision to leave that church and within a few days my god-parents were asked to leave as well. By the end of that year I had lost several close friends.

frriendsOne of these was a dear friend to me that I had defended repeatedly in her time of trouble. Yet when my time of trouble came, she turned her back on me. She sent me disparaging emails, unfriended me on facebook, and disconnected from me socially and spiritually. I was heart-broken.

“Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who shared my bread, has turned against me” (Psalm 41:9).

All communication between us stopped – with one exception. Every year on her birthday I sent her a one line email wishing her a good year and a happy birthday. Occasionally, I also tried to encourage her in other more subtle ways; for example, leaving uplifting comments on a mutual friend’s post in reply to one of her comments. We were no longer “friends”, but by way of mutual contacts I knew that she could see some of those things. For the most part, my efforts were ignored.

I admit it was difficult for me. I was hurt that she rejected me. I was angry that she was judging me without knowing or understanding what had really happened at the church. I was sad that we were no longer friends. I missed her.

It took me some time, but eventually I forgave her. She was doing what she felt she had to. In shunning me, she was following the direction of her leadership. I understood that to go against the church leadership is rebellion; she was trying to do the right thing. Yes, I had defended her vehemently to that same leadership when they were falsely accusing her of things, but she never knew that. Yes, she believed the false reports spoken about us, but they were constructed in such a way as to be very convincing. In the end I felt badly for her that she was still in that situation when I had found my way to freedom.

Indeed, while that was the most difficult time I have had to endure since becoming a Christian, it was also the catalyst for helping me to grow in Christ and to dig deeper into Him. I have been incredibly blessed in this last four years. I now attend a wonderfully loving church with very supportive leadership. I have been able to attend Bible College, coach the youth in Bible Quizzing, be involved in a Chinese Home Church and meet many wonderful new friends. Everything that I lost was restored to me and then some! Is the church I attend now a perfect church? No, of course not. But it is exactly what I need in my life and it has afforded me many opportunities that would have been closed to me at my old church.

“For I will restore health to you, and heal you of your wounds, says the Lord, because they called you an outcast saying: This is Zion; No one seeks her.” (Jeremiah 30:17).

I have learned that truly all things work together for good (Romans 8:28) and that going through that time helped to bring me to where I am now.  I also have a greater love and appreciation for those around me because I understand that things can change at any time and I know what a blessing it is to have them in my life.

Today, my dear friend that I lost four years ago sent me a friend request on Facebook. This may seem like a small thing, but I assure you, this is no small thing! Tears instantly welled behind my eyes when I saw it. Perhaps we will never be able to recover a friendship like the one we used to have, but I gladly welcome her back into my life. I pray she is well and that God is blessing her.

We truly serve a God of restoration!

In His Love,
Rebekah L.

Related Posts:

 

Bitterness: A Spiritual Abscess

Apr2

When something gets infected, sometimes instead of healing the right way, puss builds up in a pocket and as the pressure builds, the patient feels increasing amounts of pain. The area becomes red, hot, and can even ooze a little. Sometimes it will finally burst open.

This past winter when I was working the ER, there were multiple patients that I had to help perform an I&D on (incision and drainage- cutting it open and getting all the muck out).  The ER doctor said to me “THE definitive treatment of an abscess is an I&D. You can give them all the antibiotics you want, but unless you go in there and get that infection out, most will come back with it again.  And you can’t just cut it a little and push on it a little, you have to give it a good cut, use an instrument to break up the locules (little pockets), and really squeeze hard to make sure you get EVERYTHING out or else you’ve done nothing for them.”

When we are injured in life- be it from family, friends, people from church, or various circumstances- we either heal the right way (which can take some time), heal with deep scars, or even end up with a deep root of bitterness in our heart.  As the bitterness festers, the anger, hatred, and dark feelings grow and grow. It can overflow a little here and there but ultimately, when it is bad enough, God needs to go in and do surgery on our hearts.  He had to do so on me once before.  For those who have been following along with my journey, over a year and a half ago, my first boyfriend broke my heart to pieces and even though God did help me heal some, I had a root of bitterness that had grown in deep. The cut was so deep within my soul, and I hid it away for so long, that it took visiting my brother and sister in law in California with my parents and two guest preachers working in sync with the Spirit to get God to muck out much of it.  I wrote about the experience in a post but that was not the only time God has worked on me.

Sometimes it feels like we are being torn up from the inside out. It feels like our souls are being mucked out, pushed, prodded, and broken up in ways we never imagined. This process though, can be of God to help break up the walls that have been created that hide the infection of bitterness, anger, and hatred.  As time has gone on, God has continued to break down the walls I have against my ex and his friends.  I am MUCH improved but I know God is making me go to the city of our (and also my.. as in ever in my life) first kiss for residency to help make sure that the last walls are broken down.  I cannot be fully ready to accept my future “Isaac” unless every last wall and pocket of bitterness/anger/pain is broken down and cleaned out.

What do you have festering in your heart today? Is there anything that God needs to go in and muck out? Are there pockets hiding away in your heart built up to protect you from things in your past? Do you see that all those walls are doing only keeps pain/bitterness in your heart?  Let it go! Let God work on you! He will heal you more completely than you could ever imagine. He will bind you up with His love and give you a new heart. Just trust His process and see that He truly is the great physician!

Thank You Jesus. Thank You for Your amazing ways.  Help us be wiling to go through Your “I&Ds.” Help us trust that even if it hurts at the time, it is for our good.  I love You Jesus. 

Rebekah M. 

Related posts:

https://beingrebekah.com/2012/10/07/forgiveness-and-renewal-revisited/

Movie Review: Amish Grace

Dec16

In light of the recent event in Connecticut, I felt I needed to point this movie out to anyone struggling with forgiveness or harboring anger/hatred in their heart.

Although the movie blends fact with fiction in terms of the main protagonist/family being fictional, the main facts remain true. The Amish community that suffered the loss off children at the hand of a gunman in their schoolhouse quickly extended forgiveness to him (although he also committed suicide that day) and his family to the astonishment of the world.

What unfathomable pain and suffering that mirrors the CT shootings!! But that very day, it is reported that members of the Amish community reached out to the gunman’s family. Some even attended his funeral.

Spoiler alert! Skip the next paragraph if you don’t want to know.

One of the scenes that struck me the most was during group therapy. The widow of the gunman asked how can they forgive her husband for the unimaginable horror that he committed? One mother replied that the absence of her children singing in the morning reminded her that they were dead and anger and hatred would well up inside her until she thought she wouldn’t be able to take another breath. She then gave all of it to God and found she would be able to breathe again. Sometimes she had to do it again the next hour, but she didn’t know how she would ever breathe again if she didn’t forgive and not give all of that to God.

Forgiveness frees the person who was wronged. Forgiveness freed me when I was harboring anger, bitterness, and hatred for Ex #1 and his friends who claimed Christ but gossiped, judged, and abandoned me when I was hurting more than I ever had before. I know my loss was nothing like the loss all those parents have and my loss was actually my most important gain. Nevertheless, I know my God met me where I was and I know He can meet anyone who is hurting, suffering, angry, or bitter.

This film is definitely a tear jerker, but the journey it takes you on is filled with God’s love that surpasses what we humans are capable of on our own. He can take all negative feelings and replace it with His love. He can mend what had been broken in a way we never expected but is so much better than we could have thought. He truly is able! He loves you! He is here for you!

In God’s love,
Rebekah M.

Related Article:  http://blog.christianitytoday.com/ctentertainment/2010/03/a-story-of-grace-forgiveness-a.html

Love in the Darkness (Love is Kind part 2)

Oct25

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” ~Galatians 6:2

“I’ve tried to peer into the core, But could not storm the sorrow, My hollow heart has bled me dry, left me to stray, Another time without a trace, Condemn me now, Send me to hell, For I’m already failing.” ~ Epica, “Storm The Sorrow”

Today I sent my friend a song. Usually he listens to metal, which admittedly is not my thing. I actually don’t mind the music itself – I think some of the guitar riffs are pretty cool – but the screaming instead of singing is definitely not me, and the lyrics are usually so dark and depressing. And the sad part is, dark and depressing fits him. He lives in a rehab hospital with a terminal illness, rarely gets visitors, goes out only a few times per year, is in constant pain, and has a lifetime of anger he’s dealing with. His temper is unstable and unpredictable, the nurses and staff where he lives fear him, and when I visit him the darkness around him is so thick and oppressive it’s almost tangible. I can tell his spirit is just crying out in pain and loneliness, but rejects all things light. He frequently posts about how miserable he is. Meanwhile, he relates to heavy death metal, embraces it, and surrounds himself with it. The Epica lyrics posted above are just a sample of what surrounds him unceasingly all day long. So usually, when he talks about metal or posts a song, I send him something uplifting (a quote or poem or whatever) to counter it.  But I have to admit, I have known him for 2.5 years now, pray for him often, and only once ever have been able to see the teeniest chink in the armor of darkness. It breaks my heart.

So today, I sent him a song. It was a metal song, but Christian at the same time. The lyrics acknowledged the darkness and desperation in the world….but in the end it also found hope and beauty. I was hoping the song would reach him in a way I couldn’t seem to – that it would meet him in the darkness, and help lift him just a little bit out of it.

As I sent it, and he responded with more metal links (including the less hopeful Epica song I quoted from), I realized something. I had to meet him in the darkness. I couldn’t send him a song to do it, and I couldn’t pray from afar. I had to meet him there, feel the weight of his spirit’s burden, and help him shoulder it. I had to put my preferences and aversion to death metal aside, my aversion to be constantly stereotyped and insulted due to my Christianity, and I had to go to that place of anger and pain and hate. Firmly anchored in Jesus, I went there. I listened to the songs. I will listen again tomorrow. I believe that he sent me songs that resonated with him emotionally, not just arbitrary ones. And so I’ll go where he is emotionally, and I’ll listen. I’ll go where he is, and I’ll talk to him there. I’ll take that darkness, and I won’t try to counter it (I’ll trust Jesus to do that), but I’ll simply help carry it.

Why? Because love is bigger than my own personal preferences. Love is bigger than my sense of judgement. Love means loving someone as they are, not injecting them with the person you think they should be. Love is kind. Kindness doesn’t mean judging someone or changing them. Kindness, true godly kindness, knows no such boundaries or qualifications. Kindness doesn’t merely stand back and point out ‘the right way’. Kindness isn’t afraid to get dirty and physically pull someone out. Think of it this way: you’re stuck in quicksand, and sinking. Possibly to your death (hey, many a movie star has gone before you). The more you struggle, and the more desperate you become, the more you sink. You are stuck and desperate. Two people come along. One stands back and points to where there’s no more quicksand – that’s where you have to go. The other comes along with rope, and goes down to reach you, to help pull you out.  Which person was unconditionally kind? Which person was only kind enough as their self-preservation would allow?

Today, while it only came in the form of a few songs, Jesus told me that He is my rope, and that I have to go into the quicksand with my friend in order to help him climb out. I need to see, as do we all, beyond my sense of self-preservation. I need to love with Jesus’ heart. I can trust Him to move and do the rest, and I can find solace in the fact that I serve a God who casts light on the darkness.

God bless!

~Rebekah A

The Garment of Praise

Oct18
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. ~Isaiah 61:3
So I found out today that my Ex #1 got married this past weekend- just a few weeks after when we had originally planned to. Although I did not and do not want him back, I can’t help but feel slightly heavy in my spirit. Barely over a year ago I told him I loved him… a month after he had started telling me he loved me. I don’t give my love lightly and I don’t think anyone should, but nor should we cling to the past.
Even if I made no efforts to find out this information on my ex, I know God allowed me to be told to solidify that he chose his path and God has released me to a much better and brighter future.
I praise Him now, knowing He is good. I praise Him knowing He has saved me from pain and sorrow. I praise Him now that I wasn’t stuck in an abusive (emotionally and verbally) relationship.
Jesus,
Thank You for saving me. Thank You for Your goodness. I thank You that even if people may claim to love us but their actions show otherwise, Your love is pure and Your love is real. I love You Jesus with all my heart.
Rebekah M.

Breaking Oppression

Oct10

So after a few days post-cleansing by God on Sunday, I realized that the freedom I feel goes beyond just forgiveness. It took me until today to really grasp the concept that I was spiritually oppressed.  Now I don’t like to give the devil and his minions more credit than they are due, but this freedom is really huge.  I went from feeling plagued by a constant feeling of “I never want to be with a guy like that EVER again” and “I loved him” (as if holding on to the fact that I had once loved someone meant something) to just a whole lifting of my soul.  God brought it to my mind that during my prayer on Sunday, I prayed against spirits who were reminding me of my past to leave me and never come back.  It was in the moment but the more time goes on I realize it was totally Jesus’ leading.

I read up on a post on this area on christianitytoday.com that is related.  The minister who wrote the article speaks on identifying the sins in your life that give the demons a foothold into your life and then has the people he works with write them down. He then says:

If the area is not habitual, I ask the person not to write it down. Demons are unrelenting. If they are present, they are persistent. They will not surface only once a month or on holidays. They like to hide, but they are aggressive in their attempts to control the thinking of anyone within whom they hold ground.

When I read that it just solidified within myself even more that it was exactly what was happening to me! I just felt almost consumed by thoughts of how he treated me so badly and how I had loved (although no longer had anyone to love) etc. etc. etc. To the point that now I’m free of it, I can see it wasn’t even me.  It was a daily, multi-event struggle in which I couldn’t help but think of those things.  It has been getting worse as time has gone on. Months ago I forgave my ex for dumping me the way he did, but I never forgave him for all the times he hurt me. Even if he verbally abused me, it doesn’t mean I needed to hold on to that part of my past by harboring unforgiveness. In harboring my anger, pain, and unforgiveness, I gave the enemy a stronghold in my mind to attack me from.  The more I responded to it’s whispers of “he treated you SO badly” and “don’t you remember when he did x,y,z… wasn’t that so horrible?” the more it knew it had found my weakness.

God wants to set us free from oppression.

If you are daily plagued by thoughts multiple times a day either of your past or any other thing that is not of God, know that this struggle might be beyond just you being weak! It took God sending me literally to the other side of America to visit family where very specific preachers would be preaching that Sunday for it to come to surface enough to be banished from my life. I didn’t even recognize things for what they were! I thought I was weak and it was just my self who was creating this spiritual spiral of “stinkin’ thinkin’ ” but God has bringing to light that it was more than just me! Yes, my weakness created a stronghold, but as time continued and I didn’t address things right then and there, the enemy created a place for itself in my life to remind me over and over again of things just for my bitterness and anger to continue.

Please do not think that I’m saying EVERYTHING is of the enemy, but I am saying that if you are caught in what feels almost like a pit of  bad thoughts, know that this could be oppression from the enemy and that God wants to take you out of that pit never to return! He wants to save you and through His name you have the power to banish them from your life!!!

If any of this resonates with you- I pray you seek out a prayer partner or even your pastor and ask God to not just reveal to you what are the strongholds in your life you’ve given over to the enemy (anger, hatred, lust, lying, envying… just to name a few). You have to be honest! I was harboring so much within me and God cleansed me of it all… but I had to bring it forth to the light for Him to remove it since He will not forcibly remove things from our lives since He gives us free will.  Know there is a much better way of living when you give it all over to Him and allow Him to help cleanse you of oppression.  Yes, I was injured, but I didn’t need to allow bitterness and unforgiveness to take hold the way it did.  I thought I had forgiven him… but I had only forgiven certain things and not ALL of it.  You may be injured this day, but know that His forgiveness can cleanse you and give you the power to forgive others!!! Take the first step and find that He can help you with the rest.

God bless you all my dear readers and I pray that for any of you who are oppressed, know He can and will help you banish those things from your life! In Jesus name you can be free! 

I love You Jesus with all my heart. Thank You Jesus. 

Rebekah M. 

Related article: http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/2012/spring/removingdemonic.html?paging=off

When Sadness Creeps In

Oct8

“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” -1 Peter 5:7

Often times as Christians we feel pressured to always exhibit a happy demeanor. A sad Christian is a failing Christian. Or so we’re led to believe. As Christians we celebrate verses of Scripture that tell us to rejoice in Him. We know that “godliness with contentment is great gain” (1 Timothy 6:6).  We know that the “joy of the Lord” is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10) and that a “merry heart doeth good like a medicine” (Proverbs 17:22). But what happens when that merry heart is not so easy to find? What do we do as Christians when sadness creeps in?

Before I became a Christian I struggled with depression. There were periods in my life where I found it challenging to get out of bed in the morning or to make it through a daily routine. I was put on and taken off of several different anti-depressants over the years. I was plagued by suicidal thoughts. I self-injured on a number of occasions. I tried to self-medicate with substances. Meeting Christ changed all of that for me. When I met Him, I learned what it was to have joy unspeakable!  I was set free from debilitating depression, drug and alcohol abuse, and consuming thoughts of suicide. Praise the Lord!!

But sometimes, I still fall into sadness. It’s nothing like the debilitating depression I had before knowing Him, but I have a tendency not to share this with people because I feel guilty about it. I feel since the Lord has freed me from so much I don’t have a right to feel sad. Ever. I feel selfish when feelings of sadness come on.  Sometimes I let the enemy condemn me for the feelings I have. Or I beat myself up using Scriptures that admonish me to be content with what I have or by reminding myself of people who have many more trials than I do. The trouble is that because I have such negative feelings about sadness, I have a tendency to not deal with them. I try to sweep them under the rug and forget about them.  The problem is that in not dealing with these feelings they actually gain greater control. The best way to move beyond sadness is to acknowledge it and then give it to God.

I’ve come to realize that sadness is a part of life. It’s natural to feel sad when we lose a loved one, go through a break-up, see someone hurting, or watch a dear friend move away. The Lord Himself knew what it was like to experience sadness. He wept in front of Lazarus’ tomb.  In the book of Isaiah, the Bible describes the coming Lord as “a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). The Lord knows what it is to be sad.

David knew what it was to be sad too. He said, “Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress. My eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief” (Psalm 31:9-10). In another place in the Bible, David is recorded as saying, “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? (Psalm 42:5). There are many recorded examples of sadness in the Bible. Jeremiah was referred to as the “weeping profit”. Nehemiah was so sad that the king himself asked him what was wrong. Job knew grief, as did Solomon. Isaiah was so depressed he prayed to die!

If you are reading this and your countenance is down, know that you are not alone! You are in good company. You don’t have to pretend to be happy if you aren’t. It doesn’t make you less of a Christian, it simply makes you human. I have found that although I still fall into sadness at times that it doesn’t have to last long if I am consistent about handing it over to God.

You don’t have to feel anxious or ashamed of your emotions, but you do need to deal with them.  If sadness has crept in on you the first thing you need to do is to acknowledge it. Then you need to search your heart to see if there is any chance the sadness is connected to sin present in your life. If it is, repent and ask God to help keep you from falling into that sin in the future. Once we take care of sin, there are a couple of very helpful things we can do to move beyond sadness.  Below are a few of the things I have found helpful in my own walk with God.

In the natural:

  • Exercise – I have found nothing better than exercise for chasing away the blues.
  • Healthy Eating – Eating clean, healthy food the way God intended it.
  • Sleep – Adequate sleep is invaluable to our emotional well-being.

In the spiritual:

  • Thanksgiving – Having a heart of gratitude will do wonders for moving beyond sadness. When we focus on all the things we have to be thankful for, we don’t have time to focus on the things that bring us down!
  • Giving – Giving of our time and resources to those less fortunate than ourselves takes the focus off of our circumstances and on to others.
  • Worship – Again, this gets the focus off of us, and on to Him! He is our everything. He deserves our worship in the good times and in the sad times. The more we worship Him, the more He envelops us in His presence. It’s really hard to stay sad when you are in the presence of Almighty God!

If you’ve tried all that and it seems that none of it is working, don’t despair.  Keep giving it to God (1 Peter 5:7) and keep worshiping Him. Allow Him to work in you and through you. Remind yourself that even the mighty men of God in the Bible experienced sadness, loneliness, and depression. Never give up on God; He will never give up on you. 

In His Love,

-Rebekah L.

Forgiveness and Renewal Revisited

Oct7

This past weekend was my birthday and just as he seems to have always had the “perfect timing” ever since we broke up- Ex #1 posted on facebook that he was engaged and of course a friend felt the need to tell me.  I have come to realize something- our minds are our major battle ground.  I have allowed resentment, bitterness, anger and even a touch of hatred enter my heart not only for him, but for his friends who had at one point said I was like a part of their family but dropped me faster than a hot potato once things fell apart between he and I.  I keep thinking of his church as a “den of snakes” for he had told me that it was part of their gossip that drove him to dump me- even his pastor’s wife was involved in it. Last weekend was one of the potential (and most likely) dates for the wedding we were starting to plan. As more and more people get married right when I had thought I would be around this time last year, the bitterness grew.

Bitterness, anger, and hatred only breed destruction of ourselves.  

God doesn’t want us to harbor these things for they poison our soul. As the preacher this morning said, “Bitterness is like cholesterol clogging your spiritual arteries.” You may not realize how bad it is until you die of a heart attack.

This morning, God cleaned out my spiritual arteries. 

I prayed at the alter, the tears falling down as my hair covered my face, and I forgave my ex for each and every time he yelled at me, berated me, made me feel ugly by demanding I go to the gym, and hurt me. Then I forgave the others in my life who have hurt me. Another church that turned their back on me. A pastor’s wife who attacked my character to everyone she had put under me as the Sunday School director as well as anyone else who would listen.  A professor who tried to get me kicked out of medical school for her mistake.  My ex’s friends who abandoned me in my darkest hour despite having claimed to call me family.  As I sit here now I know what happened this morning truly happened- when I prayed forgiveness to all those people I felt His forgiveness not only wash over me, but also extend to those who had wronged me.  I realized that it was not MY forgiveness, but HIS.  He forgave me for harboring these horrible things within me and all my other sins and that forgiveness overflowed in me enough to flow out to everything else.

I am free. 

Then tonight another preacher preached on Jesus healing the man with the withered hand.  Life can cause us to become deformed. Hurts we endure can scar a part of us so badly we don’t want anyone else to see. We do whatever we can to hide it- even using our “normal” limb for handshakes so no one realizes the other is blemished. We act like everything is fine to our friends and family. When Jesus says “stretch for thy hand,” however, we need to realize and believe in faith that He means the deformed part of us so that He can make it new.  He can heal us.  Once again, I cried at the alter, this time seeking God on renewing my hope.  Renewing my belief that He intends good things for my life.  He did.

I am healed. I am whole. 

God has renewed my soul. He has to first take out the muck of hatred, anger, bitterness, and resentment so that He could then perform a healing within me.  Readers- I implore you to look within yourself and see if there is anything that says “I know what she means,” for if you do- seek to do the same! I did not do this on my own but I can tell you for a fact that the dark clouds and heavy burden I had felt is now lifted!!! What a mighty, wonderful God we serve!!!! Thank You Lord for healing my soul. Thank You Lord for taking away the resentment and anger.  Thank You Lord for renewing hope within my soul!!! 

I Love You Jesus with all my heart. 

Rebekah M.