Rough Day

An upright man gives thought to his ways (Proverbs 21:29)

So today was rough. I started the day with finding out I missed something on a patient that, although not fatal, was a BIG thing to miss. Nothing bad happened, but I shouldn’t have missed it. Later on, I had a huge blow when a test showed another one of my patients had a silent but potentially deadly condition. One where a person can go from looking fine to dead in just a few minutes.

It really got to me. I had instantly bonded with this patient and his wife and, although he was fine at the moment, knowing that he was so seriously ill (although it was not evident looking at him) got me to the core. Being emotionally invested in my people means that when they are hurting, I hurt. When they aren’t doing well, it makes me feel a bit like I’m not doing well. It makes me a good doctor, but it also makes me vulnerable to burnout.

Recently, another student joined my team. We start the day at the same time, work in the same office space, and typically have most of our meals together. He’s even made it his mission to have me watch the entire series of Scrubs (all 8, not counting the fake 9th season). We essentially spend most of our day together until I pray with my family at night or go to church.

Knowing that I was so emotionally compromised today, I had a moment where I thought, “I must be careful. I am missing [the guy I just let go], I am spending LOTS of time with this guy every day, my heart is hurting for my patient, and my pride is hurt from my missing that thing yesterday. I need to be careful.”

So what did I do? I talked to a friend that I knew would lay it to me straight. Luckily, since I was preemptively seeking help, she mainly confirmed that yes, I was right to be concerned and it was good I was being mindful and careful. Are there times where he’s flirty with me? She confirmed that yes, when he does things like taking my stethoscope from around my neck even though he had his in his pocket and taunted me about it in front of the nurses, that was flirting. But she also confirmed that that’s why it was good I was reaching out NOW, BEFORE anything was happening. The best part was that she even prayed with me and prayed over me about this.

I think I’m growing. This time with a guy who seems attracted to me but not someone I can date (since he does not believe like I do), I am seeking God in prayer. This time I am saying “Lord, I’m weak, I know that I’m vulnerable to being attracted to this guy. Help me God, help me be good. Help me not do anything wrong. Help me Jesus.” Like the above verse in Proverbs, I feel like I am reflecting on my past and knowing that just because he’s not in church, it doesn’t mean I’m immune to his charms. It just means that Jesus is my strength. That even on rough days, I can find comfort in Him, not in a guy’s hug (mental or physical). That even on days when I’m worried for my patients and was just reprimanded, God is good and holds me through it. I don’t need a guy to cheer me up, just Jesus.

Thank You Lord for helping me through this rough day. Thank You God that I didn’t turn to man (or a man in this case) but I turned to You. Thank You God that I am safe in Your arms. Thank You Jesus for giving me strength to be good and not offer anything more than just friendship. I praise You. I worship You. I love and adore You Jesus more than anything else and I love that I can say it and mean it!!!

Rebekah M.

Contemplation

Mar6

When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. ~ Isaiah 43:2

I’m going through this crazy mental time right now. I’ve gained a few pounds the last few months and the boy is disappearing more and more from my life. I know that I’m the one who told him that I couldn’t date him. I know that I’m the one who didn’t contradict him when he said he didn’t have a pretty girl to kiss when he was down. I know that I’m the one who said he was what I wanted, but not what I needed (because I needed a praying man).

I miss him though. He still talks to me every day, but before where it was 4 or 5 hour gap at most… it can literally be only a little in the morning or night now. I miss feeling like he was my constant companion even when it was only via text most of the time. The niche he found for himself in my life now feels empty and a gaping hole.

Tonight, one of my guy friends texted me out of the blue to tell me about how things weren’t going well with the girl he was chasing. Said he messed up with her because he was pursuing her too much when she needed space. This is the same guy who I said was the example of what I’m looking for in a guy.

Part of me kept wondering what in the world was wrong with her for not running towards him with all she had. Here is this amazing, Godly, thoughtful guy who truly loves Christ and she just didn’t want to date him why? because he was attentive??? I just don’t get it but all I do know is that a slight part of me wanted to be like “me! pick me! I’m here! I love Jesus just as much as you do! Open your eyes!” but… he’s never, ever offered anything besides friendship to me. I gave up on him ever thinking of me as anything beyond a friend years ago.

So here I sit, on the heels of amazing news that I passed my boards and yet my heart is still heavy…

Lord,

Help me to hope in You. I know You have all things in Your hands so help me praise You even with my heavy heart. Help me put on the garment of praise. Help me to love You with all my heart so that this stuff has no effect on me. Shield me in Your hands. Hold me while I have a heavy heart when I should be rejoicing. Help me shed this feeling of being inadequate, of feeling like no man will find me attractive, to just re-see my worth in You again. Remind me You are walking with me in this emotional time in which things must be burned away and out of my heart.

Rebekah M.

Being Isaac: Joshua T “This Little Light of Mine”

Feb17

Editor’s Note: Our weekly guest spot is our effort to help our reading community connect with each other. “Being Isaac” is in response to our growing number of male readers. We think it’s important that there’s a male reply to our female’s call to live in passionate pursuit of Christ. Thanks Joshua T for submitting this great, original post that challenges us all to shine for Him!

When I was little at church, we sang a particular song. You might remember hearing it when you were a child. It is called ‘This Little Light of Mine.’ Although it’s a children song, it still contains things to teach adults. Mark 4:21-22 says, ‘And he said unto them, Is a candle brought to be put under a bushel, or under a bed? and not to be set on a candlestick? For there is nothing hid, which shall not be manifested; neither was any thing kept secret, but that it should come abroad.’

If you won the lottery, would you walk around and not tell anyone? Would you keep it to yourself or would you tell everyone about it? The same principle applies to Christianity. If you were saved from eternal death by Jesus’ blood, would you act like nothing is different and never share His free gift with anyone? Or would you leap with joy and proclaim to the world what God has done for you?

Many people are afraid to spread the Gospel. They are afraid of what people will think of them or of what their friends will say. I always recall this verse when I think of people that are afraid of being called a Christian. Mark 8:38 says, “Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.”

We have no reason to care what other people think of us. Just look at Jesus’ life. When He came to earth to pay for our sins, He was beaten, spit upon, and called many names but He still loved them all.

Even on the cross, Jesus says, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.” (Luke 23:34)

Jesus loves us so much that He would die the most painful way imaginable for people that have sinned against Him. Think about that for a second. God, the creator of the universe, cared enough about you and wanted you to spend eternity in heaven with Him that He sent His ONLY son to die on the cross with your sins on His back.

Could you imagine having to give up your only child to save someone else? I can’t imagine the love that God must feel for us to have Jesus pay the ultimate price in my place. Jesus paid our debt.

We were bought with a price: Jesus’ blood. Therefore we are not our own. Romans 14:8 says, ‘For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord’s.’

Nothing can make God hate you enough to not accept you into His family as a Child of God. “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God”. (John 1:12)

We owe all we are to God, yet we act as if we can do what ever we want because it is our life. It is not. If you asked American, they would tell you to do what ever you wanted. Forget about the consequences. Who do you have to answer to? The answer to that is God. James 4:12 reads, “There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?”

We must remember that God is our Judge and He will judge us. He will bring everything to light. Our lies, our sins, our mess-ups will all be judged, but there is the good news. Because Jesus died for our sins, we can be pardoned. Isaiah 1:18 says, “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.”

Many think that their sins are too bad or severe that they can not be saved. But the Bible says differently. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, ‘Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.’ It is important to remember that even though you have sinned, as long as you have received Christ into your heart, your sins are gone. They are not there anymore. Psalms 103:12 confirms this, “as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.”

Will you be the light in the darkness?

Joshua T is a graphic designer in training who is seeking to glorify God in everything he does. He enjoys listening to music, such as Thousand Foot Krutch, KJ-52, and Relient K. Joshua also appreciates hanging out with his friends, and writing sermons for his blog, http://flameministries.wordpress.com/.

Published with the permission of the author. Submit your own post at beingrebekah@outlook.com.

The Visions: Part 1

Feb14

This is part of an email that was sent to my parents by a prophet in another country before I wrote what I did in Praying Monday: Press On but they didn’t receive it until afterwards. In it there were three visions. After they confronted me the next day about these visions, I wrote A Daddy’s Chastisement. I was messing up- unofficially in a relationship with a guy who didn’t know God and worse yet, doing things that I shouldn’t with him. Not THAT, but still wrong in God’s eyes. People, some even in church, told me it wasn’t bad or wrong so long as it wasn’t THAT, but God’s standards are not our standards. I pray that in revealing these visions the prophet had of me, those of you who might be contemplating going down the same road are warned and those who have been there encouraged that God loves you even when what He saw you do this:

First picture God show me was like this: I see your daughter. She all in white. She very innocent. There is a man. He dress like gang man or something. Very terrible. She go to this man and embrace him. I am wonder why innocent girl like her will be with this kind of man. When they separate, her white dress is become dirty. He leave. She begin walk down road, and she wipe some the dirt off while she walk. But dress is not clean white like before. Down the road, she meet another man, and this one she embrace him too. This man was not seem so terrible like gang man, but it is trick because he is even more dirty than first man. When they separate, even more dirty on her dress. She walk away and try wiping dirt off her dress. Some dirt come off, but now even more dirt stay on dress. She keep walk, down road she meet another man. He looks more innocent than both the first two mans. He seem nothing to be afraid of. When she embrace him she make him more dirty and he make her more dirty. This time is goes both way because she think her dress still white, but dress is not white anymore. There is danger but she choose not to see it. They are still embrace when picture end so I never see what does dress look like when they separate. This God show me awhile ago, but I ignore.

He will have mercy when you finally turn to HIM to clean you off. This is the God who IS love itself! Although it is crazy to think that this above, being sent to my parents is the epitome of love, it is! God loved me enough to know exactly what I needed and since that day the email was sent, my family has had nightly prayer meetings over Google+ and I love it. It has been my daily strength. It helps motivate me through the day to know I’ll have prayer at night with my family. We didn’t grow up with family prayer, but now that I have it, I know it is part of the dream of my future family. What a legacy that would be from my parents if that really does happen in my life!

I digress, back to the point- things I learned are the following:

a) God doesn’t want us messing around, even if it’s not THAT.

b) He saw into the heart of even a guy who was on the platform of a church and still, still he called him a “gang man”… we must be careful of who we choose to date EVEN IN CHURCH for just because they claim Christ, it does not mean they truly follow Him or are known to Him

c) what love! what compassion! what heartache my Lord, my God… my LOVE must feel for me! (and you too dear readers!!! Jesus’ heart is big enough to love you as much as He does me!!! which is INFINITE AMOUNTS!) He was warning me to be careful of my path, He wants me safe and secure in HIM, not clinging to men who don’t deserve me or are not right for me.

d) we can be too secure in our “salvation” and “righteousness” when really… it is HIS righteousness, HIS grace and HIS BLOOD that cleans us and washes us white as snow. He’s shown me so much love and compassion in the last two weeks that I cannot say it all… what a wonderful, mighty God who’s true grace and mercy I have experienced over the last two weeks more than I ever have before. Thank You wonderful Jesus for Your saving grace!!!

Dear Reader,

If you have never come to Christ before, I encourage you now to just drop it all and seek after Christ. For you will not regret it if you truly let Him into your heart!!! He was my first valentine and so far, my only. Let Him be so for you today!!!! He loves you beyond measure, word, or deed for He did the ultimate deed of love- He died for us so that we might be freed from sin!!! Your chains of addiction, guilt, and/or shame can come off in His name!!!! Bury yourself in Him and you will find the strength to live right… THROUGH HIM. It is not MY righteousness but HIS, it is not MY goodness but HIS, it is not MY keeping a clean robe but HIS BLOOD that cleans it!!!! Just pray for Him to bring the right people into your life to help you and read the bible! Know HIS love letter in intimate detail and you will see! I’d suggest starting with the book of John and then move on to the book of Acts… but if you can find a church near you that lives the bible I’m sure someone there can help show you good scriptures! 🙂

Thank You Jesus for being my first love. Thank You Jesus for loving me enough to chastise me this way so that my heart would truly learn how to accept your mercy and forgiving grace. Thank You Jesus!!!!!!! I love You Jesus with all my heart,

Rebekah M.

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/28/praying-monday-pressing-on/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/29/a-daddys-chastisement/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/28/the-visions-part-2/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/04/12/the-visions-part-3/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/05/02/the-visions-loved-like-gomer-was/

Prayer Monday: Breaking Oppression… Again

Feb4

Lord,

I thank You so much for everything You did for me yesterday. Thank You for everything You have been doing in the last week. What a miracle! What a miracle that You broke me free from all that was in my life. These readers don’t know it, but I thank You that yesterday at church You lead the pastor to prophecy over me. His wife never told him anything about what was going on in my life specifically so that should her husband say something to me, I would know that it was truly of You. Thank You that yet once again someone spoke into my life. Twice in one week. Once to warn me of the path of destruction I was on and the second time, after a week of repentance and seeking You, to reaffirm Your promises in my life. I know it was You because some of what he said was specific prophecies that had been said over me years ago by other people. Thank You that I didn’t sell my birthright like Esau (Hebrews 12:16). Thank You Jesus!!!! Thank You!!!!

I didn’t even think of my life being oppressed but thinking back to what the preacher said during his prayer over me, he said that the demons that were in my life were leaving. That Your power was healing me, making them leave. I have allowed the spirit of lust and more into my life. In the world we live in today, it is SO easy to feed it with even just “innocent” movies. It is so easy to see things that invite and then feed the spirit of lust in our lives. Forgive me. Forgive me for thinking that in my own strength I could “handle it.” I can’t! We can’t! There is so much filth in this world that is just seen as “normal.” Forgive me for thinking that I was okay. Forgive me for thinking that I wasn’t sinning because I was “pure” by the standards of the world. Forgive me for thinking that I was above others in terms of being weak to sin.

Thank You Jesus for setting me free from the thoughts that You had forgotten me. I see clearly now that it was the enemy. Thank You for setting me free from the delusion that I am not weak to sin (what arrogance! what pride!!!). Thank You for humbling me in a way I could handle. Thank You for Your mercy and grace!!! Thank You for Your wonderful ways! I love You Jesus. I thank You Jesus! Thank You that I no longer fear and doubt You like I did. Thank You that You freed me from the influences of the spirits of fear, doubt, lust, and jealousy.

Jesus, I right now pray for those who find themselves in a similar place. I pray that You restore to them too the belief of hope! Restore their hope in You again! Restore their belief that YOU ARE FAITHFUL! You are faithful to believe! We will receive and we will reap if we just don’t faint!!! Don’t faint my fellow readers!!! Don’t faint!! Just ask Jesus to give you strength and He will! Even if His help doesn’t seem like help at first- you may discover that what seems like a chastisement is your greatest strength! I couldn’t ask for stronger prayer warriors than my parents, godsister and prayer partner. You are so faithful to me, reveal Your faithfulness to these readers. I pray this post encourages them. I pray this posts strengthens them and reminds them that You will carry them through whatever battles they are fighting right now.

I love You Jesus, truly with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Breaking Oppression

A Daddy’s Chastisement

Becoming the Other Son

Jan31

In the aftermath of my God using a prophet in another country to contact my parents and tell them through visions that I was on a destructive path and needed to repent, last night’s sermon at midweek service spoke to me. It was about the Prodigal Son and God really worked on my heart about it. The preacher spoke about how the prodigal son was resentful of his inheritance and so he essentially told his father that he was dead to him so could he have his half of the inheritance NOW please, thank you very much. As I went to write more about this I realized that a text conversation I had with one of my “sisters” said it all:

S: Yeah, but you’re seeing it now which is good. Because we shouldn’t do those things with anyone but our husband. and he’s not even your boyfriend. and not only that, but you don’t even love him. So yeah, it’s a disconnect. but God can fix it. and if you give it all to Him, He will. He loves you more than anyone else. He is the love to seek. He will make you whole. 5:43 PM

Me: I guess the hardest part is that so many people say that… but everyone who says that to me usually can’t say that they themselves haven’t done that before 5:45 PM

Me: it’s like I was saying during prayer last night, I realized that I’ve been that resentful older sibling in the story of the prodigal son… I’m actually about to post it soon… why could everyone else have done all this stuff and be forgiven and parties are throw etc etc and yet I still have had no one 5:46 PM

Me: and yet… now I’m the prodigal son… and it’s a worse place to be… luckily I felt like God was saying that I didn’t squander my WHOLE inheritance, for His grace saved me from that, but I must be careful for sooo little is left and it will need to grow and multiply from what very little is left 5:47 PM

S: sigh. you’re right. it’s incredibly difficult to hold the standard of holiness that God has. and it’s become the norm in our society. and we have an enemy who wants to see us destroy ourselves this way. and our flesh fights against our spirituality just as much. There is something to be said for hormones. we have them. it’s really hard to fight that biology. but isn’t God worth it? 5:47 PM

Me: well… that and it just didn’t feel fair… look at all the people who have kids out of wedlock who are happy… look at everyone who has someone else and yet here I was, never even had held hands with a guy up until 2011, and I ended up with the guy that is repeatedly “the gang man” [as my first boyfriend] [in two separate prophecies by different people who never knew of the other person’s word from God a year apart from each other] 5:48 PM

S: I get it [Rebekah M]. I can’t tell you the tears I’ve shed over the fact that I am alone. still. for years on end. I’m almost [her age]. It’s incredibly hard. I think about doing crazy things like internet hookups sometimes just because I get so lonely. but I don’t do them because I love God too much. 5:49 PM

Me: it’s hard not to look around and feel like those people were so blessed and yet is it that I got nothing? (so it felt)… but God’s been showing me that the resentment is a sin… to be as grumbling as the Israelites who grumbled against God for the lack of food so He gave them manna and the quails, the manna in the ark being a testament to their grumbling and yet He gave them honey for their initial grumbling 5:50 PM

GS: yeah, it does seem really unfair. even people in church. had babies out of wedlock. and now getting married in the church. and you do start to wonder why God sends them an Isaac and doesn’t send us one. I know [Rebekah M]. I really really know. 5:51 PM

Me: He gives us honey flavored wafers for our grumblings… what an amazing God we serve! How awesome is He! How much we don’t deserve His love and grace and mercy! 5:51 PM

GS: Amen!! 5:52 PM

Me: It is such a humbling thing to realize the roots behind everything… I wanted to be like everyone else because I saw their sin almost as a success… when it was actually God’s grace and mercy… they did NOTHING to deserve it, just as I do nothing to deserve God’s love

After we had that part of the conversation I knew that it said more than I could in a post format for it was from my heart. I had been 100% pure until my first boyfriend in my mid-twenties. Never even held hands with a guy before. God had intended for me to be a completely untouched gift for my future husband and now I have given up much of that, but thank God for His mercy in waking me up before I gave it all away!!! Thank God for His wonderful ways in helping me realize that I need to TRULY, FULLY repent, in a way I never had before… to seek after Him like never before. To believe and trust in Him like never before. I need to stop being EITHER brother and realize that I need to be like THE Son… Jesus Christ. Willing to take whatever cup God wants to deal me and do it out of love.

Lord,

Help us not be resentful of others who seem to be blessed in their sinful ways. Help us not envy those who seem blessed despite having been resentful and despiteful to you. Help us to just rejoice when a sinner comes home and not be weary in well doing. Help us truly believe… help ME truly believe that I will reap if I faint not. Help me believe in Your goodness and that You not only are a just God who sees us when we do good and right, but also a MERCIFUL God who gives us second and third chances. Sometimes even more than that should we require it. Thank You for not allowing myself to be given over to a reprobate mind. Thank You that You see me in my hurt and resentment and love me anyhow. Thank You that You’re jarring me out of all of that- out of my insanity. I felt myself splintering- feeling like a bipolar saint. I have NEVER been given to living a double life and I started to feel like I was… for what I was doing outside of church was becoming that more and more. Forgive me my sins and give me a new heart- cleansed by Your blood. Give me a new mind. Lord… Your words says that if we humble ourselves and pray and TURN FROM OUR WICKED WAYS You will hear from heaven and heal my land. Heal me Lord, Heal me! Forgive me! Wash me white as snow! Thank You that I didn’t do THAT but forgive me for what I have done that was in that direction for even a “smaller sin” is still a sin. I love You Jesus. I thank You for Your mercy. Thank You Jesus.

Rebekah M.

A Daddy’s Chastisement

Jan29

I wrote this post yesterday afternoon shortly after yesterday’s, timing it to be published later this week. Today, I received my chastisement and Rebekah L invited me to take her day to write about things as they have happened… it floors me how I wrote this PRIOR to what happened. I’ll explain more at the end.

So I have been trying to work through all the layers of feelings behind why I have been falling into this relationship with this guy and there are MANY things I see.

A) He and I truly have SO many things in common. We’re only a month different in age so we know MUCH of the same references from childhood and we always find something outdoors to do.

B) We communicate well together. It’s kind of freaky when we randomly hit a stride in our convos where his or my texts are the answers to what the other person is texting that moment. Granted it makes sense in a way because conversations are on topics and thus have a finite amount of topic space, but it has happened multiple times in the same conversation before. Also, he and I text/skype/message each other throughout the day. It never feels too much or too little.

C) He makes me feel in person how God makes me feel spiritually- cared for, secure, safe, like I can try to conquer anything and he’d be there to catch me if I fell.

But despite all this, it’s eating away at me. It eats away because he’s not in church. I have always longed for a guy who would lead me in prayer. I longed for a man who would lead our family in a journey towards passionate pursuit of Him. A man who would have no qualms of calling a family fast. A man who would be so assured in God’s ways that when God told him something, no matter how crazy it seemed, he’d be willing to drop all for Him- as much as I feel I have done with my life.

I have dropped everything I know and love for Him. I have left home and all that I know to live this life, knowing that He is the one who has taken me here and knowing that all I do is in and for Him. And yet now… here I find myself splintering because here I live this life where I have dropped everything for Him, and yet I find myself attaching more and more to this guy who hadn’t even been to church in years until this past Sunday when he went with me.

I felt like all I deserved was a cosmic spanking. A beating of epic proportions for doing what I shouldn’t be doing. So I cowered away from God, afraid of how His chastisement would play out. Would He rip away my blessings? Make me never be able to become a doctor? Cause me to live life unfulfilled- never a doctor, never a missionary, just a nobody with no purpose… which is my greatest fear. To live a life that amounts to nothing- no spiritual legacy, lived my life that amounted to a mountain of nothingness.

Then my friend pointed out that Jesus is a Father to us. He’s our daddy. As my friend said:

Remember, He’s a Daddy who loves to bless his kids, not a godfather who gives favors in exchange for good behavior…

And it sparked a thought in my mind. Just as my parents have always known how best to reprimand me, God knows how best to chastise me. If He has a purpose for me becoming a doctor, why would He rip that away as punishment when it would cause me to fall away from the path He truly wants for me? The chastisement needs to match the child. As I expressed this to my friend, he replied:

Yes… spanking is not the first or best method of training children. Patience and teaching happen for a long time first

So why have I been hiding from God? Afraid to ask Him to help because it felt like I’d be coming to exchange help for a heavy toll. Would God truly rip away all hope of an Isaac because I just seem so lost and confused right now? I have to hold on to the hope that He is good despite my fears and doubts. I have to hold on to the hope that it is safe to express my doubts to Him and that instead of exchanging punishment for expressing my fears, He will exchange faith and bless me for trusting that He is able to help me overcome the fear and doubt. I have to hold on to the hope that He truly is a good Father who knows how best to punish me and that just as my parents always knew when I needed something to just help me push through the hard times- that sometimes, even though maybe I deserved a punishment- they gave me a reprieve instead for they knew what was best for ME . I just have to believe that He will know what I need more and what actions are what I need to help prod me to where He wants me to be.

Love,

Jesus You are my love. Jesus You are my everything. Jesus I am holding on to the fact that as my parents have loved me into going the right way in the past, You know what I need more- a rod or a loving prod. You know what I need more so I have to trust that You aren’t going to just punish me over and over again if I just reach out to You and so I do now. I reach out to You and believe that You will chastise me how You see fit. I just keep being hurt over and over again by guys in the church so I just have a hard time believing an Isaac exists for all I see is good guys out of church and guys who are either jerks or will never pursue me in the church. Help me believe that Isaac exists. Help me be like Rebekah yet once again. Help me bring myself back to the roots of it all- passionate pursuit of You as I patiently wait for the day I meet Isaac. Love, my Jesus, You are my God and my salvation. You are my everything.

Rebekah M.

So last night my parents received an email by someone in another country who has prophesied accurately multiple times. He revealed via visions what has been going on between the guy and I and I could not have been more mortified than that. The guy and I have been physically affectionate and although we didn’t do THAT, we have done stuff.

My parents’ disappointment has always been THE greatest reprimand that I could ever receive. I want to make them proud. I want to make them feel joy and happiness when they think of me- knowing that I am a good daughter who brings them honor. The only saving grace was that even in the visions, it was obvious that I didn’t do THAT. However… the whole time my parents were reading the email, I just felt how much it felt like it was God’s way of chastising me. The punishment was the most it could have been before “a cosmic spanking” in which those consequences would be irreversible.

The email ended with the fact that if I do end up doing THAT, my salvation is on the line. We have choices that we all have to make. I need, I MUST, choose to pursue purity in Christ with all that I am, for all that I am today is because of Him. Without Him, I am nothing. So without pursuit of purity in Him, I will become nothing.

Lord, despite my mortification and shame, I thank You for Your chastisement that awakens me before I mess up beyond repair. I thank You for Your grace and mercy. I thank You for Your unending love that would even be willing to shame me before my parents, knowing it would spark their full prayer support and an awakening like no other. I thank You for Your ways, even if they sting right now. I love You Jesus,

Rebekah M.

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/28/praying-monday-pressing-on/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/14/the-visions-part-1/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/28/the-visions-part-2/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/04/12/the-visions-part-3/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/05/02/the-visions-loved-like-gomer-was/

Praying Monday: Pressing On

Jan28

Lord,

I feel like I’m messing up. I feel like I’m making a mess of my life. You have put me on my parents’ hearts heavily which means something must be up for they stay tuned in to You. I don’t know what I’m doing with this guy. I’m not sure how to get it all sorted out. All I do know is that yet once again, I want to press into You. Yet once again, I want to bury myself in You. Not to escape everything, but because I know that the only answer is there. The only way that everything can have its best possible outcome is found in You. So Lord, right now, I humble myself and press into You. Right now I pour out my heart, all of the muck, the dirt, the grime, all that is wrong in me, clean me out. Clean out my heart. Clean out my mind. Clean out my soul.

And replace it with You.

Find me once again Lord, renewed in You. Find me once again Lord, cleansed by Your spirit. Find me once again Lord, leaning on You. I will take whatever chastisement You want to lay on me. I keep telling myself that “well, I don’t love him,” “well, we didn’t do THAT” but I feel You try to whisper to me that it’s not about lines, it’s about direction. So Jesus, fix my direction. Help me follow the compass You gave me instead of what my “gut” is saying. Help me use Your instrument guide instead of “my eyesight.” So much of myself says that this guy is so perfect- he even doesn’t mind chicken feet!!!- but the one thing, the MOST IMPORTANT THING that we don’t have in common, is You. And unless that happens, I need to stop. I need to hold back more. Not just for myself, but even for him as well. His heart is on the line too, not just mine, and it is selfish of me to encourage more than just friendship if doing so, as of right now, means that there is potential that I will have to chose between You or him one day, and we know that I MUST choose You.

Lord, right now I choose You.

But I know Lord, that it can also mean that choosing You can lead to choosing a path that no one else knows is possible. Lord, in all this- above all else- let this guy meet You. I want him to find You. I want him, a guy who has been and each time continues to be, so much better than those who came before him and claimed to know You. A guy who doesn’t claim You and yet who has so many of Your qualities. So giving when he expects nothing in return, so gentle that he wouldn’t hurt even a spider that was scaring me… save Him Jesus. Save him so that He’ll get to meet You one day and realize that You’ve loved him all his life.

Help me stop having myself be seen and let YOU shine through. Help me stop getting in the way of what YOU want to accomplish. Help me just press into You and let YOU work as You will.

So Lord, I press on into You.

Rebekah M.

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/29/a-daddys-chastisement/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/14/the-visions-part-1/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/28/the-visions-part-2/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/04/12/the-visions-part-3/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/05/02/the-visions-loved-like-gomer-was/

The Garment of Praise

Oct18

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. ~Isaiah 61:3

So I found out today that my Ex #1 got married this past weekend- just a few weeks after when we had originally planned to. Although I did not and do not want him back, I can’t help but feel slightly heavy in my spirit. Barely over a year ago I told him I loved him… a month after he had started telling me he loved me. I don’t give my love lightly and I don’t think anyone should, but nor should we cling to the past.

Even if I made no efforts to find out this information on my ex, I know God allowed me to be told to solidify that he chose his path and God has released me to a much better and brighter future.

I praise Him now, knowing He is good. I praise Him knowing He has saved me from pain and sorrow. I praise Him now that I wasn’t stuck in an abusive (emotionally and verbally) relationship.

Jesus,

Thank You for saving me. Thank You for Your goodness. I thank You that even if people may claim to love us but their actions show otherwise, Your love is pure and Your love is real. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Breaking Oppression

Oct10

So after a few days post-cleansing by God on Sunday, I realized that the freedom I feel goes beyond just forgiveness. It took me until today to really grasp the concept that I was spiritually oppressed. Now I don’t like to give the devil and his minions more credit than they are due, but this freedom is really huge. I went from feeling plagued by a constant feeling of “I never want to be with a guy like that EVER again” and “I loved him” (as if holding on to the fact that I had once loved someone meant something) to just a whole lifting of my soul. God brought it to my mind that during my prayer on Sunday, I prayed against spirits who were reminding me of my past to leave me and never come back. It was in the moment but the more time goes on I realize it was totally Jesus’ leading.

I read up on a post on this area on christianitytoday.com that is related. The minister who wrote the article speaks on identifying the sins in your life that give the demons a foothold into your life and then has the people he works with write them down. He then says:

If the area is not habitual, I ask the person not to write it down. Demons are unrelenting. If they are present, they are persistent. They will not surface only once a month or on holidays. They like to hide, but they are aggressive in their attempts to control the thinking of anyone within whom they hold ground.

When I read that it just solidified within myself even more that it was exactly what was happening to me! I just felt almost consumed by thoughts of how he treated me so badly and how I had loved (although no longer had anyone to love) etc. etc. etc. To the point that now I’m free of it, I can see it wasn’t even me. It was a daily, multi-event struggle in which I couldn’t help but think of those things. It has been getting worse as time has gone on. Months ago I forgave my ex for dumping me the way he did, but I never forgave him for all the times he hurt me. Even if he verbally abused me, it doesn’t mean I needed to hold on to that part of my past by harboring unforgiveness. In harboring my anger, pain, and unforgiveness, I gave the enemy a stronghold in my mind to attack me from. The more I responded to it’s whispers of “he treated you SO badly” and “don’t you remember when he did x,y,z… wasn’t that so horrible?” the more it knew it had found my weakness.

God wants to set us free from oppression.

If you are daily plagued by thoughts multiple times a day either of your past or any other thing that is not of God, know that this struggle might be beyond just you being weak! It took God sending me literally to the other side of America to visit family where very specific preachers would be preaching that Sunday for it to come to surface enough to be banished from my life. I didn’t even recognize things for what they were! I thought I was weak and it was just my self who was creating this spiritual spiral of “stinkin’ thinkin’ ” but God has bringing to light that it was more than just me! Yes, my weakness created a stronghold, but as time continued and I didn’t address things right then and there, the enemy created a place for itself in my life to remind me over and over again of things just for my bitterness and anger to continue.

Please do not think that I’m saying EVERYTHING is of the enemy, but I am saying that if you are caught in what feels almost like a pit of bad thoughts, know that this could be oppression from the enemy and that God wants to take you out of that pit never to return! He wants to save you and through His name you have the power to banish them from your life!!!

If any of this resonates with you- I pray you seek out a prayer partner or even your pastor and ask God to not just reveal to you what are the strongholds in your life you’ve given over to the enemy (anger, hatred, lust, lying, envying… just to name a few). You have to be honest! I was harboring so much within me and God cleansed me of it all… but I had to bring it forth to the light for Him to remove it since He will not forcibly remove things from our lives since He gives us free will. Know there is a much better way of living when you give it all over to Him and allow Him to help cleanse you of oppression. Yes, I was injured, but I didn’t need to allow bitterness and unforgiveness to take hold the way it did. I thought I had forgiven him… but I had only forgiven certain things and not ALL of it. You may be injured this day, but know that His forgiveness can cleanse you and give you the power to forgive others!!! Take the first step and find that He can help you with the rest.

God bless you all my dear readers and I pray that for any of you who are oppressed, know He can and will help you banish those things from your life! In Jesus name you can be free!

I love You Jesus with all my heart. Thank You Jesus.

Rebekah M.