Forgiveness and Renewal Revisited

Oct7

This past weekend was my birthday and just as he seems to have always had the “perfect timing” ever since we broke up- Ex #1 posted on facebook that he was engaged and of course a friend felt the need to tell me. I have come to realize something- our minds are our major battle ground. I have allowed resentment, bitterness, anger and even a touch of hatred enter my heart not only for him, but for his friends who had at one point said I was like a part of their family but dropped me faster than a hot potato once things fell apart between he and I. I keep thinking of his church as a “den of snakes” for he had told me that it was part of their gossip that drove him to dump me- even his pastor’s wife was involved in it. Last weekend was one of the potential (and most likely) dates for the wedding we were starting to plan. As more and more people get married right when I had thought I would be around this time last year, the bitterness grew.

Bitterness, anger, and hatred only breed destruction of ourselves.

God doesn’t want us to harbor these things for they poison our soul. As the preacher this morning said, “Bitterness is like cholesterol clogging your spiritual arteries.” You may not realize how bad it is until you die of a heart attack.

This morning, God cleaned out my spiritual arteries.

I prayed at the alter, the tears falling down as my hair covered my face, and I forgave my ex for each and every time he yelled at me, berated me, made me feel ugly by demanding I go to the gym, and hurt me. Then I forgave the others in my life who have hurt me. Another church that turned their back on me. A pastor’s wife who attacked my character to everyone she had put under me as the Sunday School director as well as anyone else who would listen. A professor who tried to get me kicked out of medical school for her mistake. My ex’s friends who abandoned me in my darkest hour despite having claimed to call me family. As I sit here now I know what happened this morning truly happened- when I prayed forgiveness to all those people I felt His forgiveness not only wash over me, but also extend to those who had wronged me. I realized that it was not MY forgiveness, but HIS. He forgave me for harboring these horrible things within me and all my other sins and that forgiveness overflowed in me enough to flow out to everything else.

I am free.

Then tonight another preacher preached on Jesus healing the man with the withered hand. Life can cause us to become deformed. Hurts we endure can scar a part of us so badly we don’t want anyone else to see. We do whatever we can to hide it- even using our “normal” limb for handshakes so no one realizes the other is blemished. We act like everything is fine to our friends and family. When Jesus says “stretch for thy hand,” however, we need to realize and believe in faith that He means the deformed part of us so that He can make it new. He can heal us. Once again, I cried at the alter, this time seeking God on renewing my hope. Renewing my belief that He intends good things for my life. He did.

I am healed. I am whole.

God has renewed my soul. He has to first take out the muck of hatred, anger, bitterness, and resentment so that He could then perform a healing within me. Readers- I implore you to look within yourself and see if there is anything that says “I know what she means,” for if you do- seek to do the same! I did not do this on my own but I can tell you for a fact that the dark clouds and heavy burden I had felt is now lifted!!! What a mighty, wonderful God we serve!!!! Thank You Lord for healing my soul. Thank You Lord for taking away the resentment and anger. Thank You Lord for renewing hope within my soul!!!

I Love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Daily

Oct4

Last night at church the pastor preached on how we must be fruitful. The biggest point that I took home is that we must DAILY do things and even if we don’t realize the change, there will be growth. We cannot be fruitful if we don’t daily water what must be watered- reading our bible, praying, and being faithful to those things He has put in our lives. When I first started this blog along with the other Rebekahs, I wrote my daily goals on here. As the months have progressed, I have fallen away from much of them.

I read my bible here and there- but not daily.

I pray but not always appointments with God type and not three times a day.

I play piano when I am able to.

I am SO out of shape

Regardless… just as I started my daily tasks before, I can do so once again. There is nothing wrong with exercising for the bible does say that it profits *a little* so I think it should be included in my daily life, but it should not be larger than the time I give to God. I may not always have the ability to go play piano, but I do have the ability to memorize the scales and chords regardless of my access to a piano. The big thing though will be the praying part. I know though, that if I could pray before without feeling anything (one of the weeks back in December), then I can pray whether I feel it or not- I just need to get to it.

God blesses even if we don’t feel it. As a child, we don’t always see how much we have grown, sometimes our own parents don’t even realize it, but when someone who has not seen us a while sees us they exclaim “my how you’ve grown!” Sometimes we don’t see how God is growing things within ourselves until someone exclaims to us “my how you’ve changed!” The other day my prayer partner noted how I wasn’t talking about the interest in a guy in terms of looks, but in terms of his spirit. He loves Jesus and it attracts me. And it’s not just “he’ likes doing things for the church” but a legitimate loves Jesus. That is attractive.

Bringing it all home, daily life for Jesus- bible, praying, contentment in daily life- and we’ll grow and we may not even realize it. Join me readers in recommitting myself to living daily for Him.

Jesus,

Thank You for bringing this back to the forefront of my mind. Thank You that there are changes when I look back that have occurred in my character. Thank You that You are helping me become the woman You want me to be. I love You Jesus.

Rebekah M.

Knowing Where You’ve Been

Sep17

As Christians, we are taught to shed our past. Whether it be all the misguided things we did before knowing Jesus, or a lifetime of growing in Him, we are called to be constantly going forward, to shed the things we know and to step into the path our Savior has for us. There’s even an example (in Genesis 19) where Lot flees the city of Sodom with his family, so that he may escape its destruction, and his wife turns to look back on the place they’d made their home and becomes a pillar of salt.

Well, I certainly don’t want to turn into a pillar of salt. I don’t much want you to turn into one either. But as much as you leave your past behind you, I would also like to remind you not to be guilty of it. If you have truly shed it, truly repented to God and are stepping forward away from it and into the new heart/plan He has for you, you have nothing to be ashamed of. No matter what you’ve done, you are no longer that person and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You may not be perfect now, in fact you definitely aren’t – welcome to humanity. BUT if you have grown in God from where you’ve been, you are new nonetheless.

And that’s important. Because when we are ashamed, we tend to sweep it under the rug and hope nobody notices. I implore you to shed the shame along with the actions. When there is no shame, we don’t feel the need to hide it. When our past is open, it becomes a testimony. “Look where I was back then….look where I am now!” Who but God can work such a change in a person’s heart?

So yes, readers, shed your past. Move forward from where you were. But while you’re journeying from your past to your future, take time to rejoice in the work God has done and the change He has made in you. He is a good God and does all things for our good!

I am praying for all of you readers that your past may find its place harmlessly behind you. If you need prayer over something specific, feel free to write to me at being.rebekah.a@gmail.com, and I will gladly stand in prayer with you.

God bless!

~Rebekah A

Hind’s Feet On High Places (Tearing Down the High Places pt2)

Sep10

The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments. ~ Habakkuk 3:19

So the other day God showed me during prayer time that the foundation of one of my high places was actually something that happened to me as a child. It’s interesting how for Rebekah A. the root to something holding her back was also from her childhood. I honestly don’t feel like I am able to be 100% transparent right now about all this. Some times the things we struggle with.. it’s even hard to share it on a mainly anonymous blog. Regardless… this childhood event caused a shift in me that I never fully understood until that moment in prayer. From then on, a huge part of “who I am” was fueled by a fear that I was a certain way- a certain sinful way. This fear caused me to feel less shame when I was acting a bit more sinful in other ways because “then I’m obviously not that way.”

As I prayed more, I have learned bit by bit to give it to Jesus. I can’t change something like that overnight- but I feel like the above scripture gives me hope. This high place in my life- God CAN help me not only tear it down, but actually to cause me to walk over it in a place of dominion. I can overcome it to the point that I can look down from the remnants of it and see how an attack might be coming at me in the future. This God we serve- He gives us strength when it seems all hope is lost. He will cause us to be able to bound about this world majestically like the deer.

Two weekends from now should have been my wedding day. We had been looking at getting married either then or in June 2013. I have been fighting unproductive feelings of bitterness towards my ex and life in general when I see all my friends getting married. I don’t want to be anything but happy for them, but it is hard when they are getting married and I’m not. However, I know I dodged a bullet… more like a nuclear bomb that I was blind to. We would have been SO wrong and yet the feelings had been with me almost all weekend. This morning, though, on my way to work, I had an amazing chat with Jesus; just sat and prayed in tongues as I drove to work and He did a work in my heart. A different “high place” in my life is fear that I will always be alone. It stems from, again, things in my childhood that made me feel ugly and unlovable. Jesus and I are going to work on that but for now- He showed me He would sustain me. That He would cause me to one day be able to not only overcome these high places, but tread upon them like dirt.

Jesus,

Thank You for being with me today. Thank You for Your blessings. I love that You have been with me all day and have shown me that You will sustain me through these next few emotionally trying weeks. Thank You that You will enable me to tear down my high places after You reveal them to me. Thank You that You will enable me to walk on them. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

In Our Hour of Need (aka Tearing Down the High Places)

Sep7

Who can understand his errors? cleanse thou me from secret faults. ~Psalms 19:12

Given that I had Labor Day off this past Monday, I tried to figure out where God wanted me. Was it to visit friends in NYC, near Harrisburg, or up in Niagara Falls? Also, was it to spend a whole weekend or just one day? In the end, all things fit best with going to church in the city I am at now and then visiting Niagara to see friends on Labor Day. Interesting enough, when the day finally came, everyone but two friends could meet, and one of them only for a few hours. Something said to me that God had more planned for us and that there was something He wanted us to discuss.

After a nice day of shopping and napping we went to get coffee. There and when we drove back, we ended up talking about how she had been praying for God to reveal to her any secret faults she may have had. Her husband (who was spending the day playing a game with his guy friends that they plan months in advance) had been the answer to that prayer by pointing out something shortly afterwards that she didn’t even realize she did.

This felt SO in line with how God has been working with me lately on my “high places.” He recently identified to me what one was. It was the most humbling experience to have something that I never imagined I really struggled with actually hit me in the face and be like… “hello! This is something that gets to you!” We here at BeingRebekah have talked about leaving our Babylons and what I noticed while talking to my friend and later on my prayer partner as I drove back, is that Babylon, high place, and secret faults all boil down to the same thing- something that is not of God within our lives.

As I drove back, I talked and prayed with my prayer partner on the phone. Through God, we both dug into things from our past that were the foundation for things we struggled with today. I realized that God wanted me to hang out with that friend specifically so that I would be lead to identify the foundation of one of the high places in my life. One day I’ll be ready to post about it on the blog, but for today I just wanted to encourage you all to know- God gives us what we need when we need it! For me, it was a friend who would jump start a prayer that I would have later on with my prayer partner where God revealed something formed from an event of my childhood.

Jesus,

Thank You for giving me exactly what I need when I need it. Thank You that when I stop struggling to have my own way and just let You move, You open and close doors as You wish. Thank You that You showed me the foundation of one of my high places so that I can now keep working to tear it down. I know that it isn’t always an “overnight” thing, but I also know that through You, now that it is identified, it can and will be torn down. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Letter to a Stranger

Sep1

This is from an email I was going to write someone …

I’m not even sure why I’m sharing this with you- a virtual stranger, but I’ve found when I allow myself to be transparent, people are encouraged, challenged, or touched by Jesus. This whole “seeking Jesus thing” is really not going as I have planned.

I know what I need to do and yet I just am fighting it- I’m fighting Him. I just… don’t want to push so hard anymore. Dig so much. He provided all that I needed/wanted during my desert time and yet a huge part of me is soo hesitant to go back into that…. both guys I dated I felt so strongly that God was in it… at first… I prayed so much against meeting my most recent ex if Jesus didn’t have anything for us to learn/grow from it. Clearly He must have, but part of me is angry, frustrated that once again, He allowed some guy to come into my life and rip into me. Just like how He allowed the first to rip me to shreds.

How is it that I can charge Him with the sins of others and yet not see that although He willingly takes the blame, He did not actually inflict the pain? Why is it that I feel like I need to forgive Him for not watching out for me when He is the one who has forgiven me of so much? Why do I always feel like I give so much of who I am so freely to others and all they do is see it, rip it to shreds, and throw it in the trash? Where is my Isaac that I thought would be here and why can’t I learn to fully be content in my moments? Why can’t I just truly wait in peace in Him and the promises He has for me? My heart wants to cry “Where are You Jesus?” and yet I know where He is… He’s waiting… but just like how I’m afraid of trusting any guys again, I’m afraid of trusting Him since part of me blames Him for even allowing them in my life in the first place. Why must growing and learning hurt SO MUCH? I miss the safety of not knowing. I miss the bliss of being naive to the world.

I realized while talking to a close friend of mine that I had become the Ex#2 in my relationship with Jesus- texting no more than once or twice a day and talking once or twice a week on the phone. Jesus doesn’t want that. Jesus doesn’t want me to be Ex #2 in my relationship with Him. He wants to hear from me every day as much as I wanted to hear from Ex #2. It doesn’t detract from His worth when I don’t talk to Him, it just means that He just wants to get to know me better and let me know Him better.

Yet part of me fights…. I realize I haven’t allowed myself to fully grieve over the fact that once again I was dumped. I hurt from the shame of being dumped again. I hurt from feeling like I was ready to put my heart out there and was once again pushed away. I hurt and part of me wants to blame God since I can’t take my anger out on my ex.

Lord,

Just take it. Bind me up again. Release me from this pain. Purge me of the darkness and dirt. Help me find what You wanted me to take away from the relationship. I’m going to stop fighting You. I see now- it wasn’t Your fault and it’s not fair to be angry at You when I really want to be angry with myself and my ex. If You want me to be single forever, so be it. If You want me to marry, whomever it may be, so be it. I give it all to You now. Whomever or even no body, You make that choice for me. You lead and guide my steps. You show me what I must do. Be my everything again. Help me not be distracted by guys but let the right guy become an encouragement to me.. if there is to be a guy. Let him edify my walk with You as I edify his. Let our future children (if I have any) glorify Your name from the moment they can speak. Nothing would be better than if their first word was “Jesus.” Lord, I so badly want all that I am and do to be consumed by You and the things of You. I’m sorry I was angry at You. I’m sorry I blamed You when all You wanted was for me to find comfort in You. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Declaration

Aug15

I know Rebekah L just posted earlier today but I just have to post this now. I realized just why this break up, early as it is in the relationship as it was, hurt so much. I was just about ready to give him my heart. I was just about ready to jump in no bars held. The deepest cry in my heart has been to have that guy who I could honestly say to him:

Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you: for where you go, I will go; and where you lodge, I will lodge: your people shall be my people, and your God my God: ~Ruth 1:16

Yet God is helping me see that what I need is a man who will say this with me to each other but with a twist:

Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you: for where you go, I will go- for it is after Christ; and where you lodge, I will lodge- for it will be with Christ: your people shall be my people, and your God shall be our God.

I don’t know who he is or where he is, but I know now more than ever that this cry of Christ to just passionately pursue after Him is a cry to just throw it all aside. Just toss EVERYTHING to the wayside and believe with all faith and in every fiber of my being that there is someone who will pursue after Him as desperately as I am. Someone who will not think “where do I want to go?” but thinks “where does God want for me?” For that is the deepest cry of my heart. Until I find a man who just so instinctively trusts God with every step of his life as I do, I need God to help guard my heart. He allowed this break up because He knew that had I met ex #2’s parents before the break up, my heart would have been his.

For now, my heart still is remorseful over the fact that he just couldn’t try. Just try and see if we could be the most amazing thing to happen to both our lives but I know now more than ever that it was right- at least for now… perhaps forever. Perhaps Jesus really does have a “third time’s the charm” for me. All I do know is that:

Jesus,

This is my declaration- I will pursue after You with all my heart. I will run after You and should there never be a man who runs beside me after You then You will be enough. You will hold my heart. You’ve held it before and You will continue to do so. I so wanted to give ex #2 my heart but he wasn’t ready for it. Maybe he never will be because maybe he’ll never be able to trust YOU with his heart like I do. So be it- You will watch over me and provide everything I need- even companionship- even if it’s only in the form of many friendships- I trust You. I trust You. I trust You Jesus. This is my declaration- I love and will pursue after You Jesus with all that I have.

Rebekah M.

Song Of the Day: Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin

Aug3

I think many of us have a hard time seeing our worth. I know the other two Rebekah’s have admitted to this in the past and I know for myself it can be especially true at certain moments. I’ve seen how self-doubt and insecurity has chained me in the past from moving forward towards the wonders that God has in store for me and yet, when I just give it all to Him, He still makes things work out.

Those things from my past are gone.

Those things in YOUR past, dear reader, are gone when You just give it over to Christ.

I don’t know who this post is for, but I so strongly believe that God wants someone out there to see what He’s been saying to me all week: we can be made new in Him!!

Let the things of your past fall away as you learn to give God the things of your past and let them fall away. Our hopes and dreams are secure in Him if we would just trust Him to help us meet it fearlessly. We should never go through life thinking we are invincible on our own, but we should have a Godly confidence that regardless of our faults, God is enough to make up the difference. Regardless as what we see as things that mar our beauty, we are perfect in His sight when we come before Him in the beauty of sincerity and holiness.

Someone out there suffering from past hurts- let them go!!! Let God take them!!! He is able! My life is a living testimony of having had someone rip my heart to shreds and finding in Jesus- not another man, nor a career, nor anything else this world tries to offer- everything I needed!! I’m sure there are those who have suffered so much more than I have and yet everything in me screams that HE IS ABLE. There is NOTHING that He cannot handle- even your deepest pains and scars. Look to Him and find the healing you’ve been seeking today.

I normally don’t do this but if you would, say this prayer with me as you read this:

Jesus,

I come before You in brokenness and in my shame. I am nothing without You. Heal me from the things of my past. Take away the feelings of worthlessness and pain. Forgive me for my past sins. Make me a mosaic- a masterpiece created from the broken. Fused so completely that people no longer see the process of breaking it took to create it- only the beauty of the finished product. Lord, heal me so much that I am able to become a light to those who follow after and are looking for what You have to offer. Jesus, I give it all to You now and I thank You for Your goodness and mercy. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life (Ps. 23:6). I worship You Jesus. I thank You Lord for Your healing power. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

All Things In Him

Jul21

And he is before all things, and by him all things consist. ~ Colossians 1:17 KJV

And he is before all things, and by him all things are held together. ~ Colossians 1:17 NKJV

It sometimes feels like a struggle for my new boyfriend and I to find our way but it’s been interesting to see how things are playing out. We are so attracted to each other and so it creates a struggle to be good. I know, I know this coming from the girl who was all “not going to kiss again until my wedding day” but it seems that it’s sometimes a toss up between “I can’t wait to see you to hug you as we pray together” and “I can’t wait to see you and I hope I get a kiss!” And although I have some friends and family who read this and actually know who I am, I feel like transparency is important here (so I guess my parents are going to find this out this way unless I call them up and directly tell them…) for you the reader- so here it is: we kissed already. It was so wonderful that he told me he wouldn’t dump me if we didn’t kiss but that mixed with all the wonderfulness that he is combined to make it so that I failed in the “not kissing” thing.

So here I am, past the point of where I said I wouldn’t go but yet wondering… what does this mean? When you cross that line, even when it’s not technically a sin, does that mean it is a sin? I know His Word says to me it is because that was my conviction and yet here I sit, struggling, trying to find the balance since it’s not for so many people- why the unfair standard and now that I’ve failed does it still hold?

These are the truths I do know:

– He is forgiving and loves me

– His grace is sufficient to sustain me

– My new boyfriend and I do try to keep Jesus in the middle- he was sick and I just prayed for him over the phone not too long ago

And so here I sit, wondering where do I go from here. The struggle between higher standards and “living the norm.” When he doesn’t hold the same conviction where does that leave us? He’s still into Jesus and a good guy but how to bring it all together? Pray for me dear readers as I continue on this journey. More than once I’ve asked God if He wanted me to dump this guy since it would be easier (in certain respects) to just leave him so that I don’t have any temptation to go the wrong way when it comes to purity (even up to the higher standard of not kissing) and He keeps telling me that I have to “see things out.” That’s all He tells me. It’s frustrating but I just know that this journey with this new guy is definitely of Him… but are we going to stay in Him, bring each other down, or help each other go higher in Him?

Jesus,

Here I sit in Panera asking You now to stay strong in my relationship with my new boyfriend. We are so easily distracted by how attracted we are to each other but I know that we both want You in this. His attraction for me grows every time I talk about You or we pray together. I see him as a gift from You. He feels like a Boaz for my life, but it’s amazing just how much I feel like I oscillate between You and potentially falling away when I’m with him. It reminds me every time that I’m human- I’m fallible. I thank You for giving us both strength to not fall into that sin but we need You to help us continue on that road when we meet up again next week. Lord, protect us as we learn more about each other from falling into things we shouldn’t. Maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion but I don’t think I am… it’s little slips at a time that can cause people to unknowingly fall down into a cavern. Help us Jesus- I want to continue to keep loving You with everything within me. Let it be that if we keep You the center, You will hold us together.

Rebekah M.

New Beginnings

Jun25

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. ~ II Corinthians 5:17

This past weekend God did a work in my heart. From hearing preaching on Daniel in the Lion’s Den and how he came out untouched to another sermon speaking of how we are to be a light, I felt God telling me that He was completely turning over all that I once was. The foundations of the things HE has done within me stand but the things of my past are washed away.

It is awe striking to talk to people and they have no clue that I was not only almost engaged, but dumped by having my ex change his status on facebook while I was fasting for him. Granted he didn’t know that I was fasting for him, but given that we were on a “break” you would think that he would at least be assuming that I was praying strongly for “us.” However, as I drove back from that church that I love, I passed the exit by the restaurant where we had the “break talk” and all I could do was giggle with joy, knowing that my God had done SUCH a complete healing in my heart and that the girl who had loved that boy was now a woman of God who knows that when times are tough, God taught her how to bury herself in Him for the victory. I went through back to back fasts (totaling over 2 months of fasting in less than 3 months) and emerged more assured of who I am and my worth in Christ.

As I continued to drive, I literally took the same road I had taken all those months ago after my “break talk” back to the same exact house that I had been staying at when this happened and the joy of Jesus overflowed within me. It just felt SO perfect. I’m healed! I’m brand new! I’m free! What a mighty, wonderful God that where once I was making that drive sobbing, feeling as if my life was falling apart (to the point of getting pulled over and getting a speeding ticket)- yesterday I was rejoicing because I was freed from a delusion and ready to run towards the future Christ has in store for me. A new life! A new future!!! I’m so excited to see all that God has in store around the next corner for me and I love Him! 🙂

Thank You Jesus for my new future!!! Let me be Your light in this dark world. Let me shine for you. Help me to continually trim the wick of my life through prayer, fasting, and reading my bible. Help me to shine brighter than ever for you with excellence in all that You give my hands to do. Help me to live this new life You’ve given me with abandon for You. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.