This past weekend was my birthday and just as he seems to have always had the “perfect timing” ever since we broke up- Ex #1 posted on facebook that he was engaged and of course a friend felt the need to tell me. I have come to realize something- our minds are our major battle ground. I have allowed resentment, bitterness, anger and even a touch of hatred enter my heart not only for him, but for his friends who had at one point said I was like a part of their family but dropped me faster than a hot potato once things fell apart between he and I. I keep thinking of his church as a “den of snakes” for he had told me that it was part of their gossip that drove him to dump me- even his pastor’s wife was involved in it. Last weekend was one of the potential (and most likely) dates for the wedding we were starting to plan. As more and more people get married right when I had thought I would be around this time last year, the bitterness grew.
Bitterness, anger, and hatred only breed destruction of ourselves.
God doesn’t want us to harbor these things for they poison our soul. As the preacher this morning said, “Bitterness is like cholesterol clogging your spiritual arteries.” You may not realize how bad it is until you die of a heart attack.
This morning, God cleaned out my spiritual arteries.
I prayed at the alter, the tears falling down as my hair covered my face, and I forgave my ex for each and every time he yelled at me, berated me, made me feel ugly by demanding I go to the gym, and hurt me. Then I forgave the others in my life who have hurt me. Another church that turned their back on me. A pastor’s wife who attacked my character to everyone she had put under me as the Sunday School director as well as anyone else who would listen. A professor who tried to get me kicked out of medical school for her mistake. My ex’s friends who abandoned me in my darkest hour despite having claimed to call me family. As I sit here now I know what happened this morning truly happened- when I prayed forgiveness to all those people I felt His forgiveness not only wash over me, but also extend to those who had wronged me. I realized that it was not MY forgiveness, but HIS. He forgave me for harboring these horrible things within me and all my other sins and that forgiveness overflowed in me enough to flow out to everything else.
I am free.
Then tonight another preacher preached on Jesus healing the man with the withered hand. Life can cause us to become deformed. Hurts we endure can scar a part of us so badly we don’t want anyone else to see. We do whatever we can to hide it- even using our “normal” limb for handshakes so no one realizes the other is blemished. We act like everything is fine to our friends and family. When Jesus says “stretch for thy hand,” however, we need to realize and believe in faith that He means the deformed part of us so that He can make it new. He can heal us. Once again, I cried at the alter, this time seeking God on renewing my hope. Renewing my belief that He intends good things for my life. He did.
I am healed. I am whole.
God has renewed my soul. He has to first take out the muck of hatred, anger, bitterness, and resentment so that He could then perform a healing within me. Readers- I implore you to look within yourself and see if there is anything that says “I know what she means,” for if you do- seek to do the same! I did not do this on my own but I can tell you for a fact that the dark clouds and heavy burden I had felt is now lifted!!! What a mighty, wonderful God we serve!!!! Thank You Lord for healing my soul. Thank You Lord for taking away the resentment and anger. Thank You Lord for renewing hope within my soul!!!
I Love You Jesus with all my heart.