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Disquieted

Flower

“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.”  –Psalm 42:11

I’m struggling today. I’ve been dealing with a certain situation for a year now. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed for it to be resolved, but it continues. Clearly there must be some lesson here that the Lord is trying to teach me. Clearly I’m failing the lesson. But I will praise Him anyhow. I praise my God and my King for keeping me even when I’m tired and frustrated. Thank you, Jesus.

-Rebekah L

Being Isaac: StephenWhoElse “Surrender in Victory”

Editor’s Note:  Our weekly guest spot is our effort to help our reading community connect with each other. “Being Isaac” is in response to our growing number of male readers. We think it’s important that there’s a male reply to our female’s call to live in passionate pursuit of Christ. Thanks StephenWhoElse for sharing this great post about giving God the reigns of our lives! 

handprintOkay, let’s do a quick poll! Raise your hand if you believe God has good plans for you! Great, now raise your hand if you believe that God cares about all aspects of your life, big or small. Fantastic! Now, raise your hand if you are unhappy with your job, financial status or the current state of your life.

Whoa, wait a minute. That’s a pretty obvious contradiction isn’t it? How can a loving, well meaning God put our lives in such a mess? Is it a mess? By whose standard? Ours or God’s? We have not read the last page in the story of our lives so I guess we don’t know how it turns out do we?

If you, like me,  grew up watching movies like Indiana Jones and Star Wars (the original trilogy, not the prequels!), you’ll see that the good guy never has an easy mission. They get thwarted, tricked, ambushed, beaten up, lose an arm, fall into snake pits but in the end guess what happens? The good guy always wins :-)

The story of our lives are still being played out and God, our sovereign God, has the final act already planned and we – the good guys – will win! Amen!

That’s well and good of course, but for those of us going through trials the suffering is very real, and painful. And not something we can brush aside with some feel-good words. Do we then reject these trials? What ought to be our attitude towards our struggles?

As Job said – shall we accept good from God but not trouble? (Job 2:10)

surrender

Even in the midst of our most painful moments, we can trust God. But know this : if we want God to steer us out of this mess we are in, we’ve got to handover the steering wheel to Him.. Only by surrendering our lives to God can we emerge from our trials in victory.

Let’s learn to trust Him by truly letting go and not try to “help out” by trying to do things ourselves. God does not need our help – He wants our trust and our surrender.

Father, thank you for your grace and love. Teach us to listen and give us the courage to obey what we hear. And help us to trust you in whatever situation we are going through. You have gone through whatever we can possibly face, and you understand what we are going through. Because of that we know you will help us go through it. Thank you Lord. Amen

StephenWhoElse is a Sunday School Teacher and in his spare time he has a secular and less interesting job. He endeavors to write only what He reveals to him and gives all glory to God! See the original post at http://10seventeen.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/surrender-in-victory/
Published with the permission of the author. Submit your own post at beingrebekah@outlook.com. 

Prayer Monday: Breaking Oppression… Again

Lord,

I thank You so much for everything You did for me yesterday.  Thank You for everything You have been doing in the last week. What a miracle! What a miracle that You broke me free from all that was in my life.  These readers don’t know it, but I thank You that yesterday at church You lead the pastor to prophecy over me.  His wife never told him anything about what was going on in my life specifically so that should her husband say something to me, I would know that it was truly of You.  Thank You that yet once again someone spoke into my life.  Twice in one week. Once to warn me of the path of destruction I was on and the second time, after a week of repentance and seeking You, to reaffirm Your promises in my life. I know it was You because some of what he said was specific prophecies that had been said over me years ago by other people. Thank You that I didn’t sell my birthright like Esau (Hebrews 12:16).  Thank You Jesus!!!! Thank You!!!!

I didn’t even think of my life being oppressed but thinking back to what the preacher said during his prayer over me, he said that the demons that were in my life were leaving.  That Your power was healing me, making them leave.  I have allowed the spirit of lust and more into my life.  In the world we live in today, it is SO easy to feed it with even just “innocent” movies. It is so easy to see things that invite and then feed the spirit of lust in our lives.  Forgive me.  Forgive me for thinking that in my own strength I could “handle it.”  I can’t! We can’t! There is so much filth in this world that is just seen as “normal.”  Forgive me for thinking that I was okay.  Forgive me for thinking that I wasn’t sinning because I was “pure” by the standards of the world.  Forgive me for thinking that I was above others in terms of being weak to sin.

Thank You Jesus for setting me free from the thoughts that You had forgotten me.  I see clearly now that it was the enemy.  Thank You for setting me free from the delusion that I am not weak to sin (what arrogance! what pride!!!).  Thank You for humbling me in a way I could handle.  Thank You for Your mercy and grace!!! Thank You for Your wonderful ways! I love You Jesus.  I thank You Jesus! Thank You that I no longer fear and doubt You like I did.  Thank You that You freed me from the influences of the spirits of fear, doubt, lust, and jealousy.

Jesus, I right now pray for those who find themselves in a similar place. I pray that You restore to them too the belief of hope! Restore their hope in You again! Restore their belief that YOU ARE FAITHFUL! You are faithful to believe! We will receive and we will reap if we just don’t faint!!! Don’t faint my fellow readers!!! Don’t faint!! Just ask Jesus to give you strength and He will! Even if His help doesn’t seem like help at first- you may discover that what seems like a chastisement is your greatest strength! I couldn’t ask for stronger prayer warriors than my parents, godsister and prayer partner. You are so faithful to me, reveal Your faithfulness to these readers.  I pray this post encourages them. I pray this posts strengthens them and reminds them that You will carry them through whatever battles they are fighting right now.

I love You Jesus, truly with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Related Posts:

Breaking Oppression

A Daddy’s Chastisement

Becoming the Other Son

In the aftermath of my God using a prophet in another country to contact my parents and tell them through visions that I was on a destructive path and needed to repent, last night’s sermon at midweek service spoke to me. It was about the Prodigal Son and God really worked on my heart about it.  The preacher spoke about how the prodigal son was resentful of his inheritance and so he essentially told his father that he was dead to him so could he have his half of the inheritance NOW please, thank you very much.  As I went to write more about this I realized that a text conversation I had with one of my “sisters” said it all:

S: Yeah, but you’re seeing it now which is good. Because we shouldn’t do those things with anyone but our husband. and he’s not even your boyfriend. and not only that, but you don’t even love him. So yeah, it’s a disconnect. but God can fix it. and if you give it all to Him, He will. He loves you more than anyone else. He is the love to seek. He will make you whole. 5:43 PM
Me: I guess the hardest part is that so many people say that… but everyone who says that to me usually can’t say that they themselves haven’t done that before 5:45 PM
Me: it’s like I was saying during prayer last night, I realized that I’ve been that resentful older sibling in the story of the prodigal son… I’m actually about to post it soon… why could everyone else have done all this stuff and be forgiven and parties are throw etc etc and yet I still have had no one 5:46 PM
Me: and yet… now I’m the prodigal son… and it’s a worse place to be… luckily I felt like God was saying that I didn’t squander my WHOLE inheritance, for His grace saved me from that, but I must be careful for sooo little is left and it will need to grow and multiply from what very little is left 5:47 PM
S: sigh. you’re right. it’s incredibly difficult to hold the standard of holiness that God has. and it’s become the norm in our society. and we have an enemy who wants to see us destroy ourselves this way. and our flesh fights against our spirituality just as much. There is something to be said for hormones. we have them. it’s really hard to fight that biology. but isn’t God worth it? 5:47 PM
Me: well… that and it just didn’t feel fair… look at all the people who have kids out of wedlock who are happy… look at everyone who has someone else and yet here I was, never even had held hands with a guy up until 2011, and I ended up with the guy that is repeatedly “the gang man” [as my first boyfriend] [in two separate prophecies by different people who never knew of the other person’s word from God a year apart from each other] 5:48 PM
S: I get it [Rebekah M]. I can’t tell you the tears I’ve shed over the fact that I am alone. still. for years on end. I’m almost [her age]. It’s incredibly hard. I think about doing crazy things like internet hookups sometimes just because I get so lonely. but I don’t do them because I love God too much. 5:49 PM
Me: it’s hard not to look around and feel like those people were so blessed and yet is it that I got nothing? (so it felt)… but God’s been showing me that the resentment is a sin… to be as grumbling as the Israelites who grumbled against God for the lack of food so He gave them manna and the quails, the manna in the ark being a testament to their grumbling and yet He gave them honey for their initial grumbling 5:50 PM
GS: yeah, it does seem really unfair. even people in church. had babies out of wedlock. and now getting married in the church. and you do start to wonder why God sends them an Isaac and doesn’t send us one. I know [Rebekah M]. I really really know. 5:51 PM
Me: He gives us honey flavored wafers for our grumblings… what an amazing God we serve! How awesome is He! How much we don’t deserve His love and grace and mercy! 5:51 PM
GS: Amen!! 5:52 PM
Me: It is such a humbling thing to realize the roots behind everything… I wanted to be like everyone else because I saw their sin almost as a success… when it was actually God’s grace and mercy… they did NOTHING to deserve it, just as I do nothing to deserve God’s love
After we had that part of the conversation I knew that it said more than I could in a post format for it was from my heart.  I had been 100% pure until my first boyfriend in my mid-twenties.  Never even held hands with a guy before.  God had intended for me to be a completely untouched gift for my future husband and now I have given up much of that, but thank God for His mercy in waking me up before I gave it all away!!! Thank God for His wonderful ways in helping me realize that I need to TRULY, FULLY repent, in a way I never had before… to seek after Him like never before. To believe and trust in Him like never before.  I need to stop being EITHER brother and realize that I need to be like THE Son… Jesus Christ.  Willing to take whatever cup God wants to deal me and do it out of love.
Lord, 
Help us not be resentful of others who seem to be blessed in their sinful ways. Help us not envy those who seem blessed despite having been resentful and despiteful to you. Help us to just rejoice when a sinner comes home and not be weary in well doing. Help us truly believe… help ME truly believe that I will reap if I faint not.  Help me believe in Your goodness and that You not only are a just God who sees us when we do good and right, but also a MERCIFUL God who gives us second and third chances.  Sometimes even more than that should we require it.  Thank You for not allowing myself to be given over to a reprobate mind.  Thank You that You see me in my hurt and resentment and love me anyhow.  Thank You that You’re jarring me out of all of that- out of my insanity.  I felt myself splintering- feeling like a bipolar saint. I have NEVER been given to living a double life and I started to feel like I was… for what I was doing outside of church was becoming that more and more.  Forgive me my sins and give me a new heart- cleansed by Your blood. Give me a new mind.  Lord… Your words says that if we humble ourselves and pray and TURN FROM OUR WICKED WAYS You will hear from heaven and heal my land.  Heal me Lord, Heal me! Forgive me! Wash me white as snow! Thank You that I didn’t do THAT but forgive me for what I have done that was in that direction for even a “smaller sin” is still a sin. I love You Jesus. I thank You for Your mercy.  Thank You Jesus. 
Rebekah M. 

A Daddy’s Chastisement

I wrote this post yesterday afternoon shortly after yesterday’s, timing it to be published later this week. Today, I received my chastisement and Rebekah L invited me to take her day to write about things as they have happened… it floors me how I wrote this PRIOR to what happened. I’ll explain more at the end. 

So I have been trying to work through all the layers of feelings behind why I have been falling into this relationship with this guy and there are MANY things I see.

A) He and I truly have SO many things in common. We’re only a month different in age so we know MUCH of the same references from childhood and we always find something outdoors to do.

B) We communicate well together. It’s kind of freaky when we randomly hit a stride in our convos where his or my texts are the answers to what the other person is texting that moment. Granted it makes sense in a way because conversations are on topics and thus have a finite amount of topic space, but it has happened multiple times in the same conversation before. Also, he and I text/skype/message each other throughout the day. It never feels too much or too little.

C) He makes me feel in person how God makes me feel spiritually- cared for, secure, safe, like I can try to conquer anything and he’d be there to catch me if I fell.

But despite all this, it’s eating away at me. It eats away because he’s not in church. I have always longed for a guy who would lead me in prayer. I longed for a man who would lead our family in a journey towards passionate pursuit of Him. A man who would have no qualms of calling a family fast. A man who would be so assured in God’s ways that when God told him something, no matter how crazy it seemed, he’d be willing to drop all for Him- as much as I feel I have done with my life.

I have dropped everything I know and love for Him. I have left home and all that I know to live this life, knowing that He is the one who has taken me here and knowing that all I do is in and for Him. And yet now… here I find myself splintering because here I live this life where I have dropped everything for Him, and yet I find myself attaching more and more to this guy who hadn’t even been to church in years until this past Sunday when he went with me.

I felt like all I deserved was a cosmic spanking.  A beating of epic proportions for doing what I shouldn’t be doing. So I cowered away from God, afraid of how His chastisement would play out.  Would He rip away my blessings? Make me never be able to become a doctor? Cause me to live life unfulfilled- never a doctor, never a missionary, just a nobody with no purpose… which is my greatest fear. To live a life that amounts to nothing- no spiritual legacy, lived my life that amounted to a mountain of nothingness.

Then my friend pointed out that Jesus is a Father to us. He’s our daddy. As my friend said:

 Remember, He’s a Daddy who loves to bless his kids, not a godfather who gives favors in exchange for good behavior…

And it sparked a thought in my mind. Just as my parents have always known how best to reprimand me, God knows how best to chastise me.  If He has a purpose for me becoming a doctor, why would He rip that away as punishment when it would cause me to fall away from the path He truly wants for me? The chastisement needs to match the child.  As I expressed this to my friend, he replied:

Yes… spanking is not the first or best method of training children. Patience and teaching happen for a long time first

So why have I been hiding from God? Afraid to ask Him to help because it felt like I’d be coming to exchange help for a heavy toll.  Would God truly rip away all hope of an Isaac because I just seem so lost and confused right now? I have to hold on to the hope that He is good despite my fears and doubts. I have to hold on to the hope that it is safe to express my doubts to Him and that instead of exchanging punishment for expressing my fears, He will exchange faith and bless me for trusting that He is able to help me overcome the fear and doubt.  I have to hold on to the hope that He truly is a good Father who knows how best to punish me and that just as my parents always knew when I needed something to just help me push through the hard times- that sometimes, even though maybe I deserved a punishment- they gave me a reprieve instead for they knew what was best for ME . I just have to believe that He will know what I need more and what actions are what I need to help prod me to where He wants me to be.

Love,

Jesus You are my love. Jesus You are my everything. Jesus I am holding on to the fact that as my parents have loved me into going the right way in the past, You know what I need more- a rod or a loving prod.  You know what I need more so I have to trust that You aren’t going to just punish me over and over again if I just reach out to You and so I do now.  I reach out to You and believe that You will chastise me how You see fit.  I just keep being hurt over and over again by guys in the church so I just have a hard time believing an Isaac exists for all I see is good guys out of church and guys who are either jerks or will never pursue me in the church. Help me believe that Isaac exists. Help me be like Rebekah yet once again. Help me bring myself back to the roots of it all- passionate pursuit of You as I patiently wait for the day I meet Isaac. Love, my Jesus, You are my God and my salvation.  You are my everything.

Rebekah M.

So last night my parents received an email by someone in another country who has prophesied accurately multiple times. He revealed via visions what has been going on between the guy and I and I could not have been more mortified than that. The guy and I have been physically affectionate and although we didn’t do THAT, we have done stuff.  

My parents’ disappointment has always been THE greatest reprimand that I could ever receive. I want to make them proud. I want to make them feel joy and happiness when they think of me- knowing that I am a good daughter who brings them honor.  The only saving grace was that even in the visions, it was obvious that I didn’t do THAT. However… the whole time my parents were reading the email, I just felt how much it felt like it was God’s way of chastising me. The punishment was the most it could have been before “a cosmic spanking” in which those consequences would be irreversible.

The email ended with the fact that if I do end up doing THAT, my salvation is on the line. We have choices that we all have to make. I need, I MUST, choose to pursue purity in Christ with all that I am, for all that I am today is because of Him. Without Him, I am nothing. So without pursuit of purity in Him, I will become nothing.

Lord, despite my mortification and shame, I thank You for Your chastisement that awakens me before I mess up beyond repair. I thank You for Your grace and mercy. I thank You for Your unending love that would even be willing to shame me before my parents, knowing it would spark their full prayer support and an awakening like no other.  I thank You for Your ways, even if they sting right now.  I love You Jesus, 

Rebekah M. 

Related post: https://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/06/the-shame-game/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/28/praying-monday-pressing-on/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/14/the-visions-part-1/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/28/the-visions-part-2/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/04/12/the-visions-part-3/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/05/02/the-visions-loved-like-gomer-was/

Prayer Monday: A New Day

Jesus,

I started a new rotation today and I didn’t start it with You like the other days I have before.  I didn’t cleanse my heart of the things I did before and I didn’t take time to ask You to be with me for the day.  I didn’t wake up with You as my first thought and I didn’t put everything on the line for You. I didn’t ask You what I should wear and I didn’t ask You to bless me and my family.

However, tomorrow morning is a new day.  And tonight… tonight I still have time to ask You for forgiveness. I still have time to ask You to help me tomorrow. I still have time before bed to give You time.  Thank You Jesus for new chances to put You first. Thank You for a new day.  I love You Jesus but I’m finding that lately, although I don’t eat meats, I’m not doing it in the true spirit of fasting.  I love You Jesus but I am not showing it with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength.  So help me.  Help me find my way back.  Help me find my way back to Your side.  Help me seek after You once again like I did in the days past.  Help me to put You first in my heart and mind again.  I love You Jesus so help me show You that love.

Rebekah M.

Song of the Day: You’re Not Alone by Meredith Andrews

I have a confession that I’ve hinted at before: I’m sort of seeing this guy who’s not in church. He’s fun, sweet, and is the exact mixture of my Exes that I had said I wished existed in one person- Ex #1’s amount of time he put into me and Ex #2’s sense of adventure and being outdoors and non-demanding-ness.  This guy literally pays as much attention to me as Ex #1 did… texting me all day long (with breaks for things like… work LOL!)… but also enjoys being outdoors.  Our two hangouts included going on hikes where he made sure that there was a waterfall we could sit by and just sit and talk.  He’s thoughtful and sweet and even cleaned off the snow from my car.

However… how does that work with me loving God so much? I can’t help but see that we could have a comfortable life together.  We’d have moments of laughter- cooking together, dancing in the kitchen to cute old school music, tickle fights- yeah, he’s that kind of guy. But then we’d have a spiritual discord that I cannot overlook.  It makes me continually feel like I’m sowing into the wrong things.

However, he is a soul.  He is someone who needs to know God. His boss is a Christian, one of his good friends is a pastor’s son.  I truly feel like God wants to reach out to him but am I supposed to be part of the equation or is he just a test for me? Will I hold out for Isaac or go after Ishmael?

At church tonight the preacher asked “are you truly committed to God? because if you are only half committed you will not receive the full blessing from God.” As the sermon progressed, I felt God sing this song to me. Tell me that He’s loved me all of my life and that He was with me. At alter call I told God I was 100% His, making sure that I told God I was laying this guy on His alter in my heart, and the moment I fully meant it, my pastor came along and asked me if I knew how to speak mandarin because they had a new couple there that couldn’t speak English very well and were from China.  I had seen them walk in late in service. She told me that they had been passing by and felt God so they came in. She had been searching for God.  In China the church she tried to go to once, they said that sickness was because of not believing in God.  It was punishment for unbelief.  She could not believe that but she wanted to know God and felt Him as she was passing by so she came in… and the moment I gave my heart to God, He used me to help reach her.  In my broken Mandarin skills (I’m Chinese, born in America), I told her over and over that Jesus loved her, died for her, wants to live in her heart, it wasn’t an accident that she was there. With tears in her eyes we prayed together- she even told Jesus she loved Him!!! WOW!!!!

Dear readers- this is the amazing grace of our Jesus.  I’m messing up- literally potentially flirting with disaster and yet the moment I lay my heart out to Him, He uses me to help minister to a someone who it was clear- I met my appointment with God today.  Wow! Wow!!!!! WOW! I feel like dirt, trash and yet He would still use this broken, dirty vessel. Wow! Who am I to be used by the Almighty to reach others? Who am I to be able to say He is good? It has NOTHING to do with my worth and EVERYTHING to do with Him. He has loved you all of your life.  You are NOT alone.  He is here! He wants to use you to spread the news that He is with each of us every day.  Help Him by meeting His appointments.  Minister to Him by ministering to others.  He has seen you through your darkest night, He is faithful and true.  His love will carry us through this broken, lonely, ugly, messy world.  

Jesus- I love You so much. 

Rebekah M. 

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ]

Movie Review: Amish Grace

In light of the recent event in Connecticut, I felt I needed to point this movie out to anyone struggling with forgiveness or harboring anger/hatred in their heart.

Although the movie blends fact with fiction in terms of the main protagonist/family being fictional, the main facts remain true. The Amish community that suffered the loss off children at the hand of a gunman in their schoolhouse quickly extended forgiveness to him (although he also committed suicide that day) and his family to the astonishment of the world.

What unfathomable pain and suffering that mirrors the CT shootings!! But that very day, it is reported that members of the Amish community reached out to the gunman’s family. Some even attended his funeral.

Spoiler alert! Skip the next paragraph if you don’t want to know.

One of the scenes that struck me the most was during group therapy. The widow of the gunman asked how can they forgive her husband for the unimaginable horror that he committed? One mother replied that the absence of her children singing in the morning reminded her that they were dead and anger and hatred would well up inside her until she thought she wouldn’t be able to take another breath. She then gave all of it to God and found she would be able to breathe again. Sometimes she had to do it again the next hour, but she didn’t know how she would ever breathe again if she didn’t forgive and not give all of that to God.

Forgiveness frees the person who was wronged. Forgiveness freed me when I was harboring anger, bitterness, and hatred for Ex #1 and his friends who claimed Christ but gossiped, judged, and abandoned me when I was hurting more than I ever had before. I know my loss was nothing like the loss all those parents have and my loss was actually my most important gain. Nevertheless, I know my God met me where I was and I know He can meet anyone who is hurting, suffering, angry, or bitter.

This film is definitely a tear jerker, but the journey it takes you on is filled with God’s love that surpasses what we humans are capable of on our own. He can take all negative feelings and replace it with His love. He can mend what had been broken in a way we never expected but is so much better than we could have thought. He truly is able! He loves you! He is here for you!

In God’s love,
Rebekah M.

Related Article:  http://blog.christianitytoday.com/ctentertainment/2010/03/a-story-of-grace-forgiveness-a.html

Prayer In the Midst of the Storm

Lord,

I praise You that I have given You my dreams and they may be shattering, but I do not despair. There is still hope and You will work it all out.  I love You Jesus that since my life is in Your hands, You are working out all things for good. I praise You my King for being everything I need. I worship You my Lord for there is none like You so who is to stand in my way of going about my Father’s business? I praise You Lord. I worship You.

Thank You Jesus for Your peace that passes all understanding,

Rebekah M.

Prayer Monday: His Will Above My Will/ Song of the Day: Potter’s Hands

I keep praying over and over again- Nevertheless Lord, let Thy Will and not my will be done…

I so desperately want Him to say “Yes my child, Yes, this is for you…” but I know that it needs to be what He wants for me, and not just what >>I want

Sometimes… the hardest part is the waiting.  

This was a facebook post of mine a year ago.  It was used against me at the time and yet God allowed it to be used against me for my own good. So I say this prayer yet once again this year with more conviction.  Not my will Lord, but Thy Will!!!! Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me Lord!!!

https://i1.wp.com/www.meacosartgarden.com/sitebuilder/images/mosaic_butterfly-431x330.jpgI have found that people will use what they want to destroy others but IF they succeed in any capacity, it is because YOU want to create a mosaic from the remnant pieces. You know that the pieces left will be so much more beautiful AFTER it is broken.  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, you will not despise (Psalm 51:17).  I know You have molded me to be more of who You want me to be through this past year and I know You will continue to do so. You mended the broken pieces of my life together with Your love to the point that people don’t see the broken pieces but Your work. So  whatever You want to do with it Lord- I trust my life in Your hands.

I love You Jesus, 

Rebekah M.