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The Visions: Part 3

This is part of an email that was sent to my parents by a prophet (who calls my dad uncle because in the Chinese culture anyone your father’s age is an “uncle”) in another country before I wrote what I did in Praying Monday: Press On but they didn’t receive it until afterwards. In it there were three visions. After they confronted me the next day about these visions, I wrote A Daddy’s ChastisementThe Visions: Part One was posted 2/14/13. I was messing up- unofficially in a relationship with a guy who didn’t know God and worse yet, doing things that I shouldn’t with him. Not THAT, but still wrong in God’s eyes. People, some even in church, told me it wasn’t bad or wrong so long as it wasn’t THAT, but God’s standards are not our standards.  I pray that in revealing these visions the prophet had of me, those of you who might be contemplating going down the same road are warned and those who have been there encouraged that God loves you even when what He saw you do this:

HPIM0322.JPGThird picture He show me was I see your daughter she go in the church. She  very happy worship God in the church. The man comes. He sit beside at church. Sudden church seem to bright. Air uncomfortable. The man hurts her. She go to another seat. She worship God. Another man come sit next to her. And church is become too warm. Uncomfortable. This man hurts her too. She go out the church. A man call to her from shade. She go over. Is very cool in shade. Is not too bright. Is fresh air. Everything is better with him. She need decide, lead him in to church or stay in cool shade with him. She know she should lead him in to church, but she remember how inside was so uncomfortable. She feel much better outside. So she stay outside in nice cool shade. And is nice outside for awhile. Then the shade sudden become very dark. The nice cool shade become cold darkness! Dark as night. The storm come. She try to get out of storm. She try run to church. She not can open the door. She not can get inside. The poison inside her make her to weak to open door. 

The bold letters are the prophet’s formatting.  He then urged my parents to pray for me before it was too late and I was too weak to open the door. Given that it’s been over 2 months since this all happened, it’s still flooring to see how God did everything.  I have been trying to lead this guy to Christ. I have made my choice. With tears streaming down my face I told him that he was what I wanted, but not what I needed.  I needed a praying man. I needed a man who knew as much as I did (and would teach our future children) that Jesus loves us beyond words. He loves us so much that He died for our sins.  He’s even said he would read John chapters 1-3 with an open mind (although I’m not 100% sure how well that will turn out since he isn’t sure when he’ll find the time just some vague… “eventually”).

Regardless… Praise God! Praise God that He had this sent before it was too late. Before I was so full of poison that I couldn’t get back to Him. Praise God that what was one of my most mortifying moments in my life brought about one of the greatest blessings in my life: nightly family prayer 🙂  I don’t know if this guy will ever stop walking the line, but I know that I can’t date him and think it won’t affect me.  The detail in this is incredible. He didn’t know of my exes and yet plain as day- both were “in church” and yet both hurt me badly. Drove me away from looking for guys in the church- especially when the guy outside is SO much nicer than them.  But those were only two guys and don’t represent all guys in the church- God’s shown me that in the time since.  I just have to keep waiting on Him, being a light, and seeing where God takes things 🙂

Jesus, 

Thank You once again for saving me. Thank You for bringing the visions to my parents attention before it was too late.  Thank You Lord! Thank You Jesus! I praise You and I thank You! I love You Jesus! 

Rebekah M. 

Related Posts:

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/28/praying-monday-pressing-on/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/29/a-daddys-chastisement/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/14/the-visions-part-1/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/28/the-visions-part-2/

https://beingrebekah.com/2013/05/02/the-visions-loved-like-gomer-was/

Bitterness: A Spiritual Abscess

When something gets infected, sometimes instead of healing the right way, puss builds up in a pocket and as the pressure builds, the patient feels increasing amounts of pain. The area becomes red, hot, and can even ooze a little. Sometimes it will finally burst open.

This past winter when I was working the ER, there were multiple patients that I had to help perform an I&D on (incision and drainage- cutting it open and getting all the muck out).  The ER doctor said to me “THE definitive treatment of an abscess is an I&D. You can give them all the antibiotics you want, but unless you go in there and get that infection out, most will come back with it again.  And you can’t just cut it a little and push on it a little, you have to give it a good cut, use an instrument to break up the locules (little pockets), and really squeeze hard to make sure you get EVERYTHING out or else you’ve done nothing for them.”

When we are injured in life- be it from family, friends, people from church, or various circumstances- we either heal the right way (which can take some time), heal with deep scars, or even end up with a deep root of bitterness in our heart.  As the bitterness festers, the anger, hatred, and dark feelings grow and grow. It can overflow a little here and there but ultimately, when it is bad enough, God needs to go in and do surgery on our hearts.  He had to do so on me once before.  For those who have been following along with my journey, over a year and a half ago, my first boyfriend broke my heart to pieces and even though God did help me heal some, I had a root of bitterness that had grown in deep. The cut was so deep within my soul, and I hid it away for so long, that it took visiting my brother and sister in law in California with my parents and two guest preachers working in sync with the Spirit to get God to muck out much of it.  I wrote about the experience in a post but that was not the only time God has worked on me.

Sometimes it feels like we are being torn up from the inside out. It feels like our souls are being mucked out, pushed, prodded, and broken up in ways we never imagined. This process though, can be of God to help break up the walls that have been created that hide the infection of bitterness, anger, and hatred.  As time has gone on, God has continued to break down the walls I have against my ex and his friends.  I am MUCH improved but I know God is making me go to the city of our (and also my.. as in ever in my life) first kiss for residency to help make sure that the last walls are broken down.  I cannot be fully ready to accept my future “Isaac” unless every last wall and pocket of bitterness/anger/pain is broken down and cleaned out.

What do you have festering in your heart today? Is there anything that God needs to go in and muck out? Are there pockets hiding away in your heart built up to protect you from things in your past? Do you see that all those walls are doing only keeps pain/bitterness in your heart?  Let it go! Let God work on you! He will heal you more completely than you could ever imagine. He will bind you up with His love and give you a new heart. Just trust His process and see that He truly is the great physician!

Thank You Jesus. Thank You for Your amazing ways.  Help us be wiling to go through Your “I&Ds.” Help us trust that even if it hurts at the time, it is for our good.  I love You Jesus. 

Rebekah M. 

Related posts:

https://beingrebekah.com/2012/10/07/forgiveness-and-renewal-revisited/

Rough Day

An upright man gives thought to his ways (Proverbs 21:29)

So today was rough. I started the day with finding out I missed something on a patient that, although not fatal, was a BIG thing to miss. Nothing bad happened, but I shouldn’t have missed it. Later on, I had a huge blow when a test showed another one of my patients had a silent but potentially deadly condition. One where a person can go from looking fine to dead in just a few minutes.

It really got to me. I had instantly bonded with this patient and his wife and, although he was fine at the moment, knowing that he was so seriously ill (although it was not evident looking at him) got me to the core. Being emotionally invested in my people means that when they are hurting, I hurt. When they aren’t doing well, it makes me feel a bit like I’m not doing well. It makes me a good doctor, but it also makes me vulnerable to burnout.

Recently, another student joined my team. We start the day at the same time, work in the same office space, and typically have most of our meals together.  He’s even made it his mission to have me watch the entire series of Scrubs (all 8, not counting the fake 9th season). We essentially spend most of our day together until I pray with my family at night or go to church.

Knowing that I was so emotionally compromised today, I had a moment where I thought, “I must be careful. I am missing [the guy I just let go], I am spending LOTS of time with this guy every day, my heart is hurting for my patient, and my pride is hurt from my missing that thing yesterday. I need to be careful.”

So what did I do? I talked to a friend that I knew would lay it to me straight. Luckily, since I was preemptively seeking help, she mainly confirmed that yes, I was right to be concerned and it was good I was being mindful and careful.  Are there times where he’s flirty with me? She confirmed that yes, when he does things like taking my stethoscope from around my neck even though he had his in his pocket and taunted me about it in front of the nurses, that was flirting. But she also confirmed that that’s why it was good I was reaching out NOW, BEFORE anything was happening. The best part was that she even prayed with me and prayed over me about this.

I think I’m growing. This time with a guy who seems attracted to me but not someone I can date (since he does not believe like I do), I am seeking God in prayer. This time I am saying “Lord, I’m weak, I know that I’m vulnerable to being attracted to this guy. Help me God, help me be good. Help me not do anything wrong. Help me Jesus.”  Like the above verse in Proverbs, I feel like I am reflecting on my past and knowing that just because he’s not in church, it doesn’t mean I’m immune to his charms.  It just means that Jesus is my strength. That even on rough days, I can find comfort in Him, not in a guy’s hug (mental or physical). That even on days when I’m worried for my patients and was just reprimanded, God is good and holds me through it.  I don’t need a guy to cheer me up, just Jesus.

Thank You Lord for helping me through this rough day.  Thank You God that I didn’t turn to man (or a man in this case) but I turned to You. Thank You God that I am safe in Your arms.  Thank You Jesus for giving me strength to be good and not offer anything more than just friendship.  I praise You. I worship You. I love and adore You Jesus more than anything else and I love that I can say it and mean it!!! 

Rebekah M. 

Disquieted

Flower

“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.”  –Psalm 42:11

I’m struggling today. I’ve been dealing with a certain situation for a year now. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed for it to be resolved, but it continues. Clearly there must be some lesson here that the Lord is trying to teach me. Clearly I’m failing the lesson. But I will praise Him anyhow. I praise my God and my King for keeping me even when I’m tired and frustrated. Thank you, Jesus.

-Rebekah L

Being Isaac: StephenWhoElse “Surrender in Victory”

Editor’s Note:  Our weekly guest spot is our effort to help our reading community connect with each other. “Being Isaac” is in response to our growing number of male readers. We think it’s important that there’s a male reply to our female’s call to live in passionate pursuit of Christ. Thanks StephenWhoElse for sharing this great post about giving God the reigns of our lives! 

handprintOkay, let’s do a quick poll! Raise your hand if you believe God has good plans for you! Great, now raise your hand if you believe that God cares about all aspects of your life, big or small. Fantastic! Now, raise your hand if you are unhappy with your job, financial status or the current state of your life.

Whoa, wait a minute. That’s a pretty obvious contradiction isn’t it? How can a loving, well meaning God put our lives in such a mess? Is it a mess? By whose standard? Ours or God’s? We have not read the last page in the story of our lives so I guess we don’t know how it turns out do we?

If you, like me,  grew up watching movies like Indiana Jones and Star Wars (the original trilogy, not the prequels!), you’ll see that the good guy never has an easy mission. They get thwarted, tricked, ambushed, beaten up, lose an arm, fall into snake pits but in the end guess what happens? The good guy always wins :-)

The story of our lives are still being played out and God, our sovereign God, has the final act already planned and we – the good guys – will win! Amen!

That’s well and good of course, but for those of us going through trials the suffering is very real, and painful. And not something we can brush aside with some feel-good words. Do we then reject these trials? What ought to be our attitude towards our struggles?

As Job said – shall we accept good from God but not trouble? (Job 2:10)

surrender

Even in the midst of our most painful moments, we can trust God. But know this : if we want God to steer us out of this mess we are in, we’ve got to handover the steering wheel to Him.. Only by surrendering our lives to God can we emerge from our trials in victory.

Let’s learn to trust Him by truly letting go and not try to “help out” by trying to do things ourselves. God does not need our help – He wants our trust and our surrender.

Father, thank you for your grace and love. Teach us to listen and give us the courage to obey what we hear. And help us to trust you in whatever situation we are going through. You have gone through whatever we can possibly face, and you understand what we are going through. Because of that we know you will help us go through it. Thank you Lord. Amen

StephenWhoElse is a Sunday School Teacher and in his spare time he has a secular and less interesting job. He endeavors to write only what He reveals to him and gives all glory to God! See the original post at http://10seventeen.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/surrender-in-victory/
Published with the permission of the author. Submit your own post at beingrebekah@outlook.com. 

Prayer Monday: Breaking Oppression… Again

Lord,

I thank You so much for everything You did for me yesterday.  Thank You for everything You have been doing in the last week. What a miracle! What a miracle that You broke me free from all that was in my life.  These readers don’t know it, but I thank You that yesterday at church You lead the pastor to prophecy over me.  His wife never told him anything about what was going on in my life specifically so that should her husband say something to me, I would know that it was truly of You.  Thank You that yet once again someone spoke into my life.  Twice in one week. Once to warn me of the path of destruction I was on and the second time, after a week of repentance and seeking You, to reaffirm Your promises in my life. I know it was You because some of what he said was specific prophecies that had been said over me years ago by other people. Thank You that I didn’t sell my birthright like Esau (Hebrews 12:16).  Thank You Jesus!!!! Thank You!!!!

I didn’t even think of my life being oppressed but thinking back to what the preacher said during his prayer over me, he said that the demons that were in my life were leaving.  That Your power was healing me, making them leave.  I have allowed the spirit of lust and more into my life.  In the world we live in today, it is SO easy to feed it with even just “innocent” movies. It is so easy to see things that invite and then feed the spirit of lust in our lives.  Forgive me.  Forgive me for thinking that in my own strength I could “handle it.”  I can’t! We can’t! There is so much filth in this world that is just seen as “normal.”  Forgive me for thinking that I was okay.  Forgive me for thinking that I wasn’t sinning because I was “pure” by the standards of the world.  Forgive me for thinking that I was above others in terms of being weak to sin.

Thank You Jesus for setting me free from the thoughts that You had forgotten me.  I see clearly now that it was the enemy.  Thank You for setting me free from the delusion that I am not weak to sin (what arrogance! what pride!!!).  Thank You for humbling me in a way I could handle.  Thank You for Your mercy and grace!!! Thank You for Your wonderful ways! I love You Jesus.  I thank You Jesus! Thank You that I no longer fear and doubt You like I did.  Thank You that You freed me from the influences of the spirits of fear, doubt, lust, and jealousy.

Jesus, I right now pray for those who find themselves in a similar place. I pray that You restore to them too the belief of hope! Restore their hope in You again! Restore their belief that YOU ARE FAITHFUL! You are faithful to believe! We will receive and we will reap if we just don’t faint!!! Don’t faint my fellow readers!!! Don’t faint!! Just ask Jesus to give you strength and He will! Even if His help doesn’t seem like help at first- you may discover that what seems like a chastisement is your greatest strength! I couldn’t ask for stronger prayer warriors than my parents, godsister and prayer partner. You are so faithful to me, reveal Your faithfulness to these readers.  I pray this post encourages them. I pray this posts strengthens them and reminds them that You will carry them through whatever battles they are fighting right now.

I love You Jesus, truly with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Related Posts:

Breaking Oppression

A Daddy’s Chastisement

Becoming the Other Son

In the aftermath of my God using a prophet in another country to contact my parents and tell them through visions that I was on a destructive path and needed to repent, last night’s sermon at midweek service spoke to me. It was about the Prodigal Son and God really worked on my heart about it.  The preacher spoke about how the prodigal son was resentful of his inheritance and so he essentially told his father that he was dead to him so could he have his half of the inheritance NOW please, thank you very much.  As I went to write more about this I realized that a text conversation I had with one of my “sisters” said it all:

S: Yeah, but you’re seeing it now which is good. Because we shouldn’t do those things with anyone but our husband. and he’s not even your boyfriend. and not only that, but you don’t even love him. So yeah, it’s a disconnect. but God can fix it. and if you give it all to Him, He will. He loves you more than anyone else. He is the love to seek. He will make you whole. 5:43 PM
Me: I guess the hardest part is that so many people say that… but everyone who says that to me usually can’t say that they themselves haven’t done that before 5:45 PM
Me: it’s like I was saying during prayer last night, I realized that I’ve been that resentful older sibling in the story of the prodigal son… I’m actually about to post it soon… why could everyone else have done all this stuff and be forgiven and parties are throw etc etc and yet I still have had no one 5:46 PM
Me: and yet… now I’m the prodigal son… and it’s a worse place to be… luckily I felt like God was saying that I didn’t squander my WHOLE inheritance, for His grace saved me from that, but I must be careful for sooo little is left and it will need to grow and multiply from what very little is left 5:47 PM
S: sigh. you’re right. it’s incredibly difficult to hold the standard of holiness that God has. and it’s become the norm in our society. and we have an enemy who wants to see us destroy ourselves this way. and our flesh fights against our spirituality just as much. There is something to be said for hormones. we have them. it’s really hard to fight that biology. but isn’t God worth it? 5:47 PM
Me: well… that and it just didn’t feel fair… look at all the people who have kids out of wedlock who are happy… look at everyone who has someone else and yet here I was, never even had held hands with a guy up until 2011, and I ended up with the guy that is repeatedly “the gang man” [as my first boyfriend] [in two separate prophecies by different people who never knew of the other person’s word from God a year apart from each other] 5:48 PM
S: I get it [Rebekah M]. I can’t tell you the tears I’ve shed over the fact that I am alone. still. for years on end. I’m almost [her age]. It’s incredibly hard. I think about doing crazy things like internet hookups sometimes just because I get so lonely. but I don’t do them because I love God too much. 5:49 PM
Me: it’s hard not to look around and feel like those people were so blessed and yet is it that I got nothing? (so it felt)… but God’s been showing me that the resentment is a sin… to be as grumbling as the Israelites who grumbled against God for the lack of food so He gave them manna and the quails, the manna in the ark being a testament to their grumbling and yet He gave them honey for their initial grumbling 5:50 PM
GS: yeah, it does seem really unfair. even people in church. had babies out of wedlock. and now getting married in the church. and you do start to wonder why God sends them an Isaac and doesn’t send us one. I know [Rebekah M]. I really really know. 5:51 PM
Me: He gives us honey flavored wafers for our grumblings… what an amazing God we serve! How awesome is He! How much we don’t deserve His love and grace and mercy! 5:51 PM
GS: Amen!! 5:52 PM
Me: It is such a humbling thing to realize the roots behind everything… I wanted to be like everyone else because I saw their sin almost as a success… when it was actually God’s grace and mercy… they did NOTHING to deserve it, just as I do nothing to deserve God’s love
After we had that part of the conversation I knew that it said more than I could in a post format for it was from my heart.  I had been 100% pure until my first boyfriend in my mid-twenties.  Never even held hands with a guy before.  God had intended for me to be a completely untouched gift for my future husband and now I have given up much of that, but thank God for His mercy in waking me up before I gave it all away!!! Thank God for His wonderful ways in helping me realize that I need to TRULY, FULLY repent, in a way I never had before… to seek after Him like never before. To believe and trust in Him like never before.  I need to stop being EITHER brother and realize that I need to be like THE Son… Jesus Christ.  Willing to take whatever cup God wants to deal me and do it out of love.
Lord, 
Help us not be resentful of others who seem to be blessed in their sinful ways. Help us not envy those who seem blessed despite having been resentful and despiteful to you. Help us to just rejoice when a sinner comes home and not be weary in well doing. Help us truly believe… help ME truly believe that I will reap if I faint not.  Help me believe in Your goodness and that You not only are a just God who sees us when we do good and right, but also a MERCIFUL God who gives us second and third chances.  Sometimes even more than that should we require it.  Thank You for not allowing myself to be given over to a reprobate mind.  Thank You that You see me in my hurt and resentment and love me anyhow.  Thank You that You’re jarring me out of all of that- out of my insanity.  I felt myself splintering- feeling like a bipolar saint. I have NEVER been given to living a double life and I started to feel like I was… for what I was doing outside of church was becoming that more and more.  Forgive me my sins and give me a new heart- cleansed by Your blood. Give me a new mind.  Lord… Your words says that if we humble ourselves and pray and TURN FROM OUR WICKED WAYS You will hear from heaven and heal my land.  Heal me Lord, Heal me! Forgive me! Wash me white as snow! Thank You that I didn’t do THAT but forgive me for what I have done that was in that direction for even a “smaller sin” is still a sin. I love You Jesus. I thank You for Your mercy.  Thank You Jesus. 
Rebekah M.