Tuning In

Nov10

Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; ~ Ephesians 6:18

While I was listening to my favorite sermon series on Esther, I felt God suddenly urge me that I had to pray for someone. I got the sense that it was a pastor’s wife and so I texted one that I had felt God had called me to be her armor bearer a few months ago and after I texted her I felt an urge to also text another pastor’s wife that I had been thinking about randomly for the last few days before that. For both, I asked if they needed prayer since I felt God ask me to pray for someone. Shortly thereafter the second pastor’s wife responded with the fact that she did in fact need prayer. I started praying for her right then and there. As my prayer drew to a close, I asked God if the other one was a fluke but then said “I wouldn’t put it above You Lord to have called me to pray for both.” Lo and behold, later that night the other pastor’s wife responded saying that she too needed prayer.

The next day, my prayer partner and I went to battle for them both. It was amazing and insane. It felt like when God called me to randomly intercede for Ex #1 during our “break”, not knowing why, and later finding out it was exactly at that time that he was having the first conversation with his father in over a year. We both felt confirmation over things as we prayed and I cannot thank God enough for my prayer partner. She is so spiritually sensitive even if she doesn’t always realize it. I know we did battle and I know things were broken. It has been SO long since I felt such a connection with what GOD wanted prayed about vs. what I wanted to pray over.

Jesus,

Thank You for giving me the privilege to minister to the ministers. Thank You for allowing me to be a vessel used by You to encourage those who need it. Thank You for using me (and my prayer partner) to help these beloved pastor’s wives of Yours. You love them so much that You would randomly call me to pray for them- wow! What a mighty God You are!!! I know that means that I may never know all the people called to pray for me. Even the readers, they may never know the prayers said on their behalf. Thank You Jesus for Your wonderful, marvelous ways. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

The Garment of Praise

Oct18

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. ~Isaiah 61:3

So I found out today that my Ex #1 got married this past weekend- just a few weeks after when we had originally planned to. Although I did not and do not want him back, I can’t help but feel slightly heavy in my spirit. Barely over a year ago I told him I loved him… a month after he had started telling me he loved me. I don’t give my love lightly and I don’t think anyone should, but nor should we cling to the past.

Even if I made no efforts to find out this information on my ex, I know God allowed me to be told to solidify that he chose his path and God has released me to a much better and brighter future.

I praise Him now, knowing He is good. I praise Him knowing He has saved me from pain and sorrow. I praise Him now that I wasn’t stuck in an abusive (emotionally and verbally) relationship.

Jesus,

Thank You for saving me. Thank You for Your goodness. I thank You that even if people may claim to love us but their actions show otherwise, Your love is pure and Your love is real. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Forgiveness and Renewal Revisited

Oct7

This past weekend was my birthday and just as he seems to have always had the “perfect timing” ever since we broke up- Ex #1 posted on facebook that he was engaged and of course a friend felt the need to tell me. I have come to realize something- our minds are our major battle ground. I have allowed resentment, bitterness, anger and even a touch of hatred enter my heart not only for him, but for his friends who had at one point said I was like a part of their family but dropped me faster than a hot potato once things fell apart between he and I. I keep thinking of his church as a “den of snakes” for he had told me that it was part of their gossip that drove him to dump me- even his pastor’s wife was involved in it. Last weekend was one of the potential (and most likely) dates for the wedding we were starting to plan. As more and more people get married right when I had thought I would be around this time last year, the bitterness grew.

Bitterness, anger, and hatred only breed destruction of ourselves.

God doesn’t want us to harbor these things for they poison our soul. As the preacher this morning said, “Bitterness is like cholesterol clogging your spiritual arteries.” You may not realize how bad it is until you die of a heart attack.

This morning, God cleaned out my spiritual arteries.

I prayed at the alter, the tears falling down as my hair covered my face, and I forgave my ex for each and every time he yelled at me, berated me, made me feel ugly by demanding I go to the gym, and hurt me. Then I forgave the others in my life who have hurt me. Another church that turned their back on me. A pastor’s wife who attacked my character to everyone she had put under me as the Sunday School director as well as anyone else who would listen. A professor who tried to get me kicked out of medical school for her mistake. My ex’s friends who abandoned me in my darkest hour despite having claimed to call me family. As I sit here now I know what happened this morning truly happened- when I prayed forgiveness to all those people I felt His forgiveness not only wash over me, but also extend to those who had wronged me. I realized that it was not MY forgiveness, but HIS. He forgave me for harboring these horrible things within me and all my other sins and that forgiveness overflowed in me enough to flow out to everything else.

I am free.

Then tonight another preacher preached on Jesus healing the man with the withered hand. Life can cause us to become deformed. Hurts we endure can scar a part of us so badly we don’t want anyone else to see. We do whatever we can to hide it- even using our “normal” limb for handshakes so no one realizes the other is blemished. We act like everything is fine to our friends and family. When Jesus says “stretch for thy hand,” however, we need to realize and believe in faith that He means the deformed part of us so that He can make it new. He can heal us. Once again, I cried at the alter, this time seeking God on renewing my hope. Renewing my belief that He intends good things for my life. He did.

I am healed. I am whole.

God has renewed my soul. He has to first take out the muck of hatred, anger, bitterness, and resentment so that He could then perform a healing within me. Readers- I implore you to look within yourself and see if there is anything that says “I know what she means,” for if you do- seek to do the same! I did not do this on my own but I can tell you for a fact that the dark clouds and heavy burden I had felt is now lifted!!! What a mighty, wonderful God we serve!!!! Thank You Lord for healing my soul. Thank You Lord for taking away the resentment and anger. Thank You Lord for renewing hope within my soul!!!

I Love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Daily

Oct4

Last night at church the pastor preached on how we must be fruitful. The biggest point that I took home is that we must DAILY do things and even if we don’t realize the change, there will be growth. We cannot be fruitful if we don’t daily water what must be watered- reading our bible, praying, and being faithful to those things He has put in our lives. When I first started this blog along with the other Rebekahs, I wrote my daily goals on here. As the months have progressed, I have fallen away from much of them.

I read my bible here and there- but not daily.

I pray but not always appointments with God type and not three times a day.

I play piano when I am able to.

I am SO out of shape

Regardless… just as I started my daily tasks before, I can do so once again. There is nothing wrong with exercising for the bible does say that it profits *a little* so I think it should be included in my daily life, but it should not be larger than the time I give to God. I may not always have the ability to go play piano, but I do have the ability to memorize the scales and chords regardless of my access to a piano. The big thing though will be the praying part. I know though, that if I could pray before without feeling anything (one of the weeks back in December), then I can pray whether I feel it or not- I just need to get to it.

God blesses even if we don’t feel it. As a child, we don’t always see how much we have grown, sometimes our own parents don’t even realize it, but when someone who has not seen us a while sees us they exclaim “my how you’ve grown!” Sometimes we don’t see how God is growing things within ourselves until someone exclaims to us “my how you’ve changed!” The other day my prayer partner noted how I wasn’t talking about the interest in a guy in terms of looks, but in terms of his spirit. He loves Jesus and it attracts me. And it’s not just “he’ likes doing things for the church” but a legitimate loves Jesus. That is attractive.

Bringing it all home, daily life for Jesus- bible, praying, contentment in daily life- and we’ll grow and we may not even realize it. Join me readers in recommitting myself to living daily for Him.

Jesus,

Thank You for bringing this back to the forefront of my mind. Thank You that there are changes when I look back that have occurred in my character. Thank You that You are helping me become the woman You want me to be. I love You Jesus.

Rebekah M.

The Unexpected (aka Restoration pt 2)

Sep16

So this weekend turned out to be so much more interesting than I had expected it to. I knew going in that I was attending a wedding and was carpooling there with a guy friend of mine. Originally it was supposed to be with he and his girlfriend but they ended up breaking up shortly before so she didn’t even come along.

Best way to describe this weekend: Mind. Blown.

He and I have been friends for a few years now and no- we are not dating. That I know of he’s not even interested. However- for the first time I felt like I recognized things in someone where I was like- “that- that’s what I want.” For the first time I feel like I met someone who would actually do the daily “so who did you invite to church today?” conversation I imagine having with my future husband at the dinner table. For the first time I felt like I met someone who’d jump in and pray over things and people as passionately as I do. For once I felt like I met someone who would be just as willing to open his door to people in need- whether it be a meal or a bed to sleep on.

Does this mean I think he’s the one? No. This means that I feel there’s hope that there really is someone out there for me that’s still single. If this friend of mine exists and is still single- then perhaps there are more like him.

I don’t know if he wants more than friendship. I don’t even know if I want that since I’m pretty sure for things to work out I’d have to have a residency near him given various circumstances that have him where he is (the most important of which is I truly think God has called him to help with the church he’s currently attending). However, it was wonderful just being near a single guy my age where it was SO easy to talk about Jesus, he was attractive from the inside out, has a super fun personality, and a genuine love for God and the things of God.

So from what I wrote does that mean I’d never date him? No. It just means that I have no clue where God wants to take it all but I’m putting it all in His hands.

Jesus,

Thank you for a great weekend filled with You, friends, and laughter. Thank You for reminding me that I have hope of a future. Whether it’s with that guy or someone else- You will reveal in Your timing. Thank You that You are good. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Getting To The Root

Sep9

Recently, I’ve been trying to submit ALL of myself to Jesus. Places that maybe I’m harboring for myself and don’t know it, or things that I’ve been holding back from Him….I just have really felt a pull to Him lately, and want no separation between Him and myself. So I’ve been inviting Him into my heart a little more deeply lately, asking Him to shed light into all those dark corners.

Sounds straightforward, right? Not exactly. See, there are certain traits I have that I don’t like too much – we all have them. Nobody’s perfect. So I’ve been submitting them to God just in case there was sin at the heart of it. I’m a procrastinator; does that come from laziness? Does it come from pride – thinking my time is more valuable than others’? Sometimes I can be a great organizer, but I can also be afraid to take action sometimes. Is that laziness? Am I completely failing to posses any of the productive qualities I see in Proverbs 31?

So I’m sitting there on the phone with my prayer partner, repenting my complete selfishness and horribleness as a person, and she prayed through it with me, and said “I don’t think you’re at the root of it yet.” So she prayed for discernment for me, and I just let God in.

As it happens, she was right. God had more to reveal. As a child, I was expected to appear perfect, and failure was not an option at all. Even ‘failures’ that are necessary to be learning experiences. I haven’t thought about that for years, but that fear of failure became the root of a lot of my less desirable qualities that I have today. In letting Him in and submitting that fear, not only are those related traits lessening, but my heart is finding an incredible level of peace the more I let God in to work on it.

This is the faithfulness of Jesus Christ. It doesn’t matter where you’ve been, what you’ve experienced, who you’ve become. He can make you anew. He can make you whole. He can get to the root of the dark places we harbor in our hearts, and remove the weeds completely. He can take bad qualities and replace them with good. He can take fear and replace it with peace. He is our Provider on a deeper level than we can possibly know.

Speaking of giving peace, I have a side note: Tomorrow is suicide awareness day. Take some time to think of the people you know in your life who may be struggling, and say a prayer for them. Pray for peace of mind and heart for all those struggling to find their worth and their reason for existence, and pray that instead of losing this battle, that these dark times would serve to reveal God to them. Pray for readiness to be a vessel of God’s light, love, peace, and hope wherever He may need you to be.

God bless!

~Rebekah A

Letter to a Stranger

Sep1

This is from an email I was going to write someone …

I’m not even sure why I’m sharing this with you- a virtual stranger, but I’ve found when I allow myself to be transparent, people are encouraged, challenged, or touched by Jesus. This whole “seeking Jesus thing” is really not going as I have planned.

I know what I need to do and yet I just am fighting it- I’m fighting Him. I just… don’t want to push so hard anymore. Dig so much. He provided all that I needed/wanted during my desert time and yet a huge part of me is soo hesitant to go back into that…. both guys I dated I felt so strongly that God was in it… at first… I prayed so much against meeting my most recent ex if Jesus didn’t have anything for us to learn/grow from it. Clearly He must have, but part of me is angry, frustrated that once again, He allowed some guy to come into my life and rip into me. Just like how He allowed the first to rip me to shreds.

How is it that I can charge Him with the sins of others and yet not see that although He willingly takes the blame, He did not actually inflict the pain? Why is it that I feel like I need to forgive Him for not watching out for me when He is the one who has forgiven me of so much? Why do I always feel like I give so much of who I am so freely to others and all they do is see it, rip it to shreds, and throw it in the trash? Where is my Isaac that I thought would be here and why can’t I learn to fully be content in my moments? Why can’t I just truly wait in peace in Him and the promises He has for me? My heart wants to cry “Where are You Jesus?” and yet I know where He is… He’s waiting… but just like how I’m afraid of trusting any guys again, I’m afraid of trusting Him since part of me blames Him for even allowing them in my life in the first place. Why must growing and learning hurt SO MUCH? I miss the safety of not knowing. I miss the bliss of being naive to the world.

I realized while talking to a close friend of mine that I had become the Ex#2 in my relationship with Jesus- texting no more than once or twice a day and talking once or twice a week on the phone. Jesus doesn’t want that. Jesus doesn’t want me to be Ex #2 in my relationship with Him. He wants to hear from me every day as much as I wanted to hear from Ex #2. It doesn’t detract from His worth when I don’t talk to Him, it just means that He just wants to get to know me better and let me know Him better.

Yet part of me fights…. I realize I haven’t allowed myself to fully grieve over the fact that once again I was dumped. I hurt from the shame of being dumped again. I hurt from feeling like I was ready to put my heart out there and was once again pushed away. I hurt and part of me wants to blame God since I can’t take my anger out on my ex.

Lord,

Just take it. Bind me up again. Release me from this pain. Purge me of the darkness and dirt. Help me find what You wanted me to take away from the relationship. I’m going to stop fighting You. I see now- it wasn’t Your fault and it’s not fair to be angry at You when I really want to be angry with myself and my ex. If You want me to be single forever, so be it. If You want me to marry, whomever it may be, so be it. I give it all to You now. Whomever or even no body, You make that choice for me. You lead and guide my steps. You show me what I must do. Be my everything again. Help me not be distracted by guys but let the right guy become an encouragement to me.. if there is to be a guy. Let him edify my walk with You as I edify his. Let our future children (if I have any) glorify Your name from the moment they can speak. Nothing would be better than if their first word was “Jesus.” Lord, I so badly want all that I am and do to be consumed by You and the things of You. I’m sorry I was angry at You. I’m sorry I blamed You when all You wanted was for me to find comfort in You. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Praise is the Key Pt 2

Aug31

This is the conclusion of my current testimony which I first posted about in part 1.

When I took my second set of medical boards, yet another guy had broken up with me just a few days before and this test was even more important. Instead of extra cramming that morning, I danced in my room in worship to Him who would see me through. The most amazing part was not that the questions seemed easier than I had expected, but that every time I thought of that break up, I felt Him right by my side. I felt Him say “Be here, with Me.” Never Have I felt Him so tangibly and during such a crucial moment in my life.

Although I’m still fairly young, I know this, that praise has been the key to God making my life an example of Romans 8:28. All thing have turned out to be for my good. Also, as I have taken to openly praising Him in all situations, blessings have poured in. I tell people that “Jesus gives me a charmed life” and He has! I have been on a helicopter that located a downed pilot who was released from the hospital a few day later, was privileged to help deliver two babies, and every church that I have been to while moving every month for medical school has been exactly what I needed. Although there is more in this journey of life to travel, I know that so long as I keep praising Him through it all, everything will be fine.

Rebekah M.

Update: As the weeks continued after the break up, I had a hard time getting over my ex. Even at the end of August he texted me saying he wished we could go mountain biking together again. As I keep asking God if I should just cut him out of my life, all I hear is “just. wait. Focus on Me and just don’t make a move in regards to guys.”

So here I am, waiting on Jesus again and trying to seek Him in this swirling life of mine. I know somewhere, somehow He will bring an Isaac into my life, but not today. Today is where He wants us to live (Matthew 6:34) because tomorrow will take care of itself. Here in these moments is where we can live with Him at our side- guiding our every step.

Choices

Aug18

I’m a go getter. I’m the girl who fights for things in this world and accomplishes them in Jesus name. I’m the girl who has done insane things in this life and sometimes *I* don’t even think anyone should have had all the experiences that I’ve had in my short life. From starting an alternative spring break program on campus that raised over $30K in less than 5 months, to being part of a search and rescue of a downed pilot, to having told people what I thought Jesus was saying to them and they saying that’s what they’ve been praying about all week (unbeknownst to me), Jesus has created me to break through things.

This is all to say just how incredibly hard it is for me to sit on my hands when it comes to Ex#2 and guys in general. I want to know them NOW and get them to fall in love with me NOW and then we can get married NOW so that I can stop trying to learn about every new guy that comes along and just focus on ONE guy. I hate waiting for them to make up their mind, I’d rather they be in or out. I’m sooooooo done with this search and I’ve been done for as long as I can remember.

Now… the choices I have are little actions- part of me wants to text Ex #2 ideas for his upcoming trip to Chicago where he’s going to go see a friend. I also just met a guy last night who was SUPER handsome and he was short for once (I super like short guys- better hugs) and he’s about to go off on an AIM trip in a few months. It was an interesting conversation but I feel like I monopolized it and now I’m just super curious about him. I could friend him on facebook, but then that’s again ME pushing.

I’m done with pushing, I’m done with trying. I’m sick of always being the one wanting to make things happen when the other party will eventually give in (as I realized while talking to my adopted sis on the phone yesterday). It was actually pretty amazing to realize that most guys, when I make up my mind to try to make something happen, do respond positively, even if only for a short amount of time. It’s amazing to realize that when I have tried, I have essentially gotten the guys to like me back. However… I have also realized that I have essentially always been the one pushing in the end and I hate that… why can’t it be give and take? Why can’t they try as hard as me? I’m done. I’m just done.

And so I sit, realizing for the first time that I’ve never been as done in my life as I am about dating and still realizing that the urge to pull Ex#2 back in by sending him fun ideas for his upcoming trip and making him a survival bracelet and coming up with ideas of how we could meet up with little expense to him is still there. I still want to do these things and yet I feel God just saying “Calm. Wait. Just wait my child. Just. Hold. Still.”

Here I sit Lord, waiting on You. Waiting for Your work in my life. Waiting for You to finally move in away that You never have before. Waiting for You to help me finally just give it alllllll up. Give You the reigns. I need Your help to do so though because we both know that I love being in control. Help me Jesus. Help.

Rebekah M.

Declaration

Aug15

I know Rebekah L just posted earlier today but I just have to post this now. I realized just why this break up, early as it is in the relationship as it was, hurt so much. I was just about ready to give him my heart. I was just about ready to jump in no bars held. The deepest cry in my heart has been to have that guy who I could honestly say to him:

Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you: for where you go, I will go; and where you lodge, I will lodge: your people shall be my people, and your God my God: ~Ruth 1:16

Yet God is helping me see that what I need is a man who will say this with me to each other but with a twist:

Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you: for where you go, I will go- for it is after Christ; and where you lodge, I will lodge- for it will be with Christ: your people shall be my people, and your God shall be our God.

I don’t know who he is or where he is, but I know now more than ever that this cry of Christ to just passionately pursue after Him is a cry to just throw it all aside. Just toss EVERYTHING to the wayside and believe with all faith and in every fiber of my being that there is someone who will pursue after Him as desperately as I am. Someone who will not think “where do I want to go?” but thinks “where does God want for me?” For that is the deepest cry of my heart. Until I find a man who just so instinctively trusts God with every step of his life as I do, I need God to help guard my heart. He allowed this break up because He knew that had I met ex #2’s parents before the break up, my heart would have been his.

For now, my heart still is remorseful over the fact that he just couldn’t try. Just try and see if we could be the most amazing thing to happen to both our lives but I know now more than ever that it was right- at least for now… perhaps forever. Perhaps Jesus really does have a “third time’s the charm” for me. All I do know is that:

Jesus,

This is my declaration- I will pursue after You with all my heart. I will run after You and should there never be a man who runs beside me after You then You will be enough. You will hold my heart. You’ve held it before and You will continue to do so. I so wanted to give ex #2 my heart but he wasn’t ready for it. Maybe he never will be because maybe he’ll never be able to trust YOU with his heart like I do. So be it- You will watch over me and provide everything I need- even companionship- even if it’s only in the form of many friendships- I trust You. I trust You. I trust You Jesus. This is my declaration- I love and will pursue after You Jesus with all that I have.

Rebekah M.