My last post in September was actually the beginning of a very painful, hard time in my life. After experiencing the loss of my college choir director suddenly and unexpectedly, our church here on the West coast lost our piano player in the middle of service and my sister in law’s father passed away two weeks after that. With a series of funerals to go to and the middle one being very traumatic (I’ll get into that below), God sent me a man to help carry me through. He’s been the most wonderful surprise in my life and I cannot thank God enough for him. I don’t know if he’s a “forever” or a “right now” but I hope God has him as my “forever.” Regardless, that’s a post for another day.

Better is one day in Your courts. Better is one day in Your house.

Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere.

Sunday night, our beloved piano player- young, incredibly talented, good husband and father to a 2 year old- finished playing that song with all his heart as he always did and then dropped to the ground essentially dead. We did not know it at the time but a brain aneurysm had burst. As the doctor in the congregation I ran up there and had to take over. There was so much confusion and my heart literally broke when I started CPR, trying in desperation to save my friend as his wife cried on the side, scared for her love. I cannot explain the depth of how that broke me.

It took much time and many good people (including the new guy) to let God work in me… But I’ve begun to breathe again. I’ve begun to live again. That girl who had never had to face death in the light of her friends lost two so quickly and one in such proximity.

We felt his pulse go. The nurse who lept to help.

We felt his pulse slip away.

It took so long to get over that. It took so many days of prayer, tears, brokenness, and loss…. But God. In His infinite wisdom He set up my parents to come to town anyhow right when I needed them most. He sent me what I needed, when I needed and now I can see the truth: better is one day in His courts, for He provides, He watches over, He heals, He delivers.

Imagine!!! To be worshipping God here on Earth, serving in His earthy kingdom, and then to open your eyes and you’re in THE throne room???

Better is one day my God. Better is one day Jesus!

He had been planning to start a business soon so he and his family had just moved into a mobile home and set it up. The mortgage was very very reasonable and they were already planning on living off her income for a while. What provision God provides!

I don’t fully understand His ways, but I know this: better is one day in His courts, serving Him, than thousands elsewhere.

Rebekah M

I keep thinking I’ll post about what I learned from my exes but work, church, and life consume me.

This past week I found out a friend from my college days passed away. She was my youth choir director and I lived with her and her family for a summer after college.

So full of vibrant life, she overcame weight issues to inspire others to be healthier today and live for God every day.

The weight of the loss. The weight of the guilt of not visiting sooner. The weight of knowing that as a doctor, I know better… It hurts.

I’ve been praying in Mandarin with my parents. They’re trying to help me learn it better for my church and my professional life. I asked them recently how to say “heals the broken hearted” in Mandarin and it literally translates to heals the broken to pieces heart/soul.

God,

Heal all of our broken to pieces hearts. Mine aches at times, knowing how much so many must be hurting. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I still can’t believe I didn’t take time sooner to go visit. As a doctor, I know better. I know tomorrow isn’t promised.

Help us live every day for You.

Help us shine brightly for you as she did.

Help us bring many along with us to heaven so they can meet those like her.

Jesus, heal the broken to pieces hearts/souls.

Broken in Him,

Rebekah M

It has been a LONG time since I last posted. In part from being busy, partially because I was going through a lot, and partially because I was too lazy to get around the fact my chrome browser did not work with the new wordpress editor (I’m posting from explorer today). But I’m back now.

I recently have had MUCH on my mind/heart this month. This month alone I have had 2 of the guys I used to talk to get engaged to their new significant others and the one guy that I was seeing who was not in church sent me an invite for a baby shower with his new girlfriend. It has been quite interesting.  The feelings that roll through you with that many announcements all at once ebb and flow.

For one that I am still somewhat friends with, I am genuinely happy for. We truly are best as just friends and he is a good person so I am happy that he has found happiness with a wonderful, Godly woman.

The other, resentment in how he treated me sometimes tries to boil back up. He apologized so I know that I chose to forgive him but I am still human. Of all things, facebook made a point to send my phone an actual phone alert that he was engaged! I almost want to block him or defriend him but part of me is too stubborn, not wanting to look like I care since in truth, the only reason I am bothered is not because I want to be with him, but because I felt SO duped by him and yet this person that I felt almost conned by with his smooth talk and lack of action is now getting married and seemingly happy. Jealousy at his happiness and resentment for his past actions is not a pretty look.

And for the one not in church… I felt with such conviction that God was telling me- it’s time to truly, fully let him go. 

I remember once, crying in my friend’s kitchen, asking her if she understood what it felt like to wonder if the love you had for someone will ever be matched again. Wondering if he’ll always be the only one who treated you like a discovered treasure. To know what it is like to have someone look you in the eyes with adoration, who went out of his way to make you smile daily, who never fought with you (seriously), and found ways to gap the distance despite the miles… even traveling 4hrs each way to see you for a weekend…

My heart was still in pieces in the kitchen that day with my friend as she consoled me, but much later when the news came recently of the baby… I knew.  I had chosen God over someone who would have led me down a path that would have been my spiritual destruction. God protects us! He wants only our good! To think that could have been me. Celebrating the fruits of sin instead of waiting for when things are right in God’s eyes.  Do not get me wrong, a child is never to blame, but for those who have a conviction that as the Bible says, premarital sex is wrong, you will understand my statement.

Then I felt God ask me if I trusted Him. Did I trust Him enough to believe in a picture I had seen on facebook recently?

I honestly told Him I know He has power and I know this can be the truth, but it is hard as a human. It is hard to think my favorite broken toy could ever be replaced with something better.

But I know He can

…and so I have been working on finding my way back. Bridging the silence between He and I that I’ve created. It’s been like the roommate you see daily but rarely speak with except some pleasantries here and there and maybe one or two genuine conversations, but not the daily deep one of the past. It is weird how you can still be used by Him to touch people in big ways spiritually and yet lack the desperate unity that you once had with Him. But I’m determined to find my way back. To let the doubt and despair lift.

This morning while praying with a childhood friend over FB messenger over safety while in a country that has been hit by Ebola (she’s teaching English there), I felt the old me coming back. The one who fights in the spirit and breaks down walls and chains not by my might, but through God’s power In His name- Jesus name.

I have been created to be a warrior in Christ.

So sisters (and brothers), join me in taking back the fight- if you are single this is your time to give full devotion to God and the things of Him without the burdens of a family or husband (or wife) to care for. Let us make use of our season of singleness for you never know who will be your Eliazar.

Rebekah M.