Archives

Perfect Peace

Sep4

 “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.” –Isaiah 26:3

Yesterday through Facebook I got a frantic message that a very good friend of mine was in a motorcycle accident. It was a terrifying moment for me. I kept rereading the words and trying to make sense of them. I felt incredibly helpless. This friend lives on the other side of the globe and there was nothing I could do to help him. Or even to get more information.

How did it happen? Was he hurt? Would he be okay? Is he in the hospital?

I had so many questions and so little information. I was scared of losing him. “Please please please let him be okay”, I prayed, feeling the emotion welling up inside me. Irrationally, I considered going to the airport immediately to catch the next plane to get to where he is. There was a time that he and I had planned to get married and I still love him deeply even if the nature of that love has shifted. To consider that he might be seriously injured and I wasn’t with him was more than I knew how to handle. I really did not know what to do with myself. I kept refreshing my Facebook page over and over again, hoping for a new message from his friend. I was desperate for more information. I felt paralyzed. Absolutely helpless. The fear rising up in me was fierce.

Then suddenly it occurred to me that even from half way across the world, there was something I could do for him. I could trust God, and I could pray. My focus then shifted from the situation to God. I remembered that God is the Creator, the Almighty, and our Healer. Everything is in His hands. When I began to meditate on that, I immediately felt peace. I knew God was taking care of the situation. This time when I prayed, I prayed with the assurance that God was in control and no matter what happened He would still be in control. I reminded myself that this man knows the Lord. If the very worst should happen, he is still safe in the Lord’s care. Regardless of how long he has life on this earth, he has the promise of eternal life with the King.

I became completely filled with His peace. It is difficult to even explain it, but every ounce of fear left me. I was able to completely surrender the situation to Him. I continued to pray for my friend for mercy and healing, but it was no longer a prayer out of selfish desperation. It was a prayer based on who the Lord is and knowing what He is capable of doing. Mostly, I just prayed that the Lord’s will be done. I knew without a doubt that it would be.

A few hours later I got the message that my friend will be fine. He is scraped up, bruised up, and has a broken wrist, but he has no internal injuries. He will make a full recovery. The worst of my fears were not even remotely realized. If I had not surrendered to God, I would have spent all the time making myself sick with worry. All of my worry would not have accomplished anything.

I praise God that he is okay! Thank you Jesus for protecting my friend! I know it could have been much worse and the mercy of the Lord has kept him for another day. Thank you, Jesus for your peace in the midst of a storm. Thank you for calming the waves of fear and teaching me once again to trust in you!

Dear Reader, when you feel helpless, when a situation is beyond your control; it is never beyond God. He will give you perfect peace if you trust Him to handle every situation that comes up in life. In scary moments when loved ones may be hurt or in danger, give all of your fears and concerns the Lord. He will carry you through every difficult circumstance in your life if you let Him.

-Rebekah L.

Letter to a Stranger

Sep1

This is from an email I was going to write someone …

I’m not even sure why I’m sharing this with you- a virtual stranger, but I’ve found when I allow myself to be transparent, people are encouraged, challenged, or touched by Jesus. This whole “seeking Jesus thing” is really not going as I have planned.

I know what I need to do and yet I just am fighting it- I’m fighting Him. I just… don’t want to push so hard anymore.  Dig so much.  He provided all that I needed/wanted during my desert time and yet a huge part of me is soo hesitant to go back into that…. both guys I dated I felt so strongly that God was in it… at first… I prayed so much against meeting my most recent ex if Jesus didn’t have anything for us to learn/grow from it. Clearly He must have, but part of me is angry, frustrated that once again, He allowed some guy to come into my life and rip into me. Just like how He allowed the first to rip me to shreds.  

How is it that I can charge Him with the sins of others and yet not see that although He willingly takes the blame, He did not actually inflict the pain? Why is it that I feel like I need to forgive Him for not watching out for me when He is the one who has forgiven me of so much?  Why do I always feel like I give so much of who I am so freely to others and all they do is see it, rip it to shreds, and throw it in the trash? Where is my Isaac that I thought would be here and why can’t I learn to fully be content in my moments? Why can’t I just truly wait in peace in Him and the promises He has for me?  My heart wants to cry “Where are You Jesus?” and yet I know where He is… He’s waiting… but just like how I’m afraid of trusting any guys again, I’m afraid of trusting Him since part of me blames Him for even allowing them in my life in the first place.  Why must growing and learning hurt SO MUCH?  I miss the safety of not knowing. I miss the bliss of being naive to the world. 

I realized while talking to a close friend of mine that I had become the Ex#2 in my relationship with Jesus- texting no more than once or twice a day and talking once or twice a week on the phone.  Jesus doesn’t want that.  Jesus doesn’t want me to be Ex #2 in my relationship with Him.  He wants to hear from me every day as much as I wanted to hear from Ex #2.  It doesn’t detract from His worth when I don’t talk to Him, it just means that He just wants to get to know me better and let me know Him better.

Yet part of me fights…. I realize I haven’t allowed myself to fully grieve over the fact that once again I was dumped. I hurt from the shame of being dumped again. I hurt from feeling like I was ready to put my heart out there and was once again pushed away.  I hurt and part of me wants to blame God since I can’t take my anger out on my ex.

Lord, 

Just take it.  Bind me up again.  Release me from this pain.  Purge me of the darkness and dirt. Help me find what You wanted me to take away from the relationship.  I’m going to stop fighting You. I see now- it wasn’t Your fault and it’s not fair to be angry at You when I really want to be angry with myself and my ex. If You want me to be single forever, so be it.  If You want me to marry, whomever it may be, so be it. I give it all to You now. Whomever or even no body, You make that choice for me.  You lead and guide my steps.  You show me what I must do.  Be my everything again.  Help me not be distracted by guys but let the right guy become an encouragement to me.. if there is to be a guy.  Let him edify my walk with You as I edify his.  Let our future children (if I have any) glorify Your name from the moment they can speak.  Nothing would be better than if their first word was “Jesus.”  Lord, I so badly want all that I am and do to be consumed by You and the things of You.  I’m sorry I was angry at You. I’m sorry I blamed You when all You wanted was for me to find comfort in You.  I love You Jesus with all my heart. 

Rebekah M. 

Praise is the Key Pt 2

Aug31
This is the conclusion of my current testimony which I first posted about in part 1. 
When I took my second set of medical boards, yet another guy had broken up with me just a few days before and this test was even more important. Instead of extra cramming that morning, I danced in my room in worship to Him who would see me through. The most amazing part was not that the questions seemed easier than I had expected, but that every time I thought of that break up, I felt Him right by my side. I felt Him say “Be here, with Me.” Never Have I felt Him so tangibly and during such a crucial moment in my life.
Although I’m still fairly young, I know this, that praise has been the key to God making my life an example of Romans 8:28. All thing have turned out to be for my good. Also, as I have taken to openly praising Him in all situations, blessings have poured in. I tell people that “Jesus gives me a charmed life” and He has! I have been on a helicopter that located a downed pilot who was released from the hospital a few day later, was privileged to help deliver two babies, and every church that I have been to while moving every month for medical school has been exactly what I needed. Although there is more in this journey of life to travel, I know that so long as I keep praising Him through it all, everything will be fine.
Rebekah M. 
Update: As the weeks continued after the break up, I had a hard time getting over my ex.  Even at the end of August he texted me saying he wished we could go mountain biking together again.  As I keep asking God if I should just cut him out of my life, all I hear is “just. wait. Focus on Me and just don’t make a move in regards to guys.”  

 
So here I am, waiting on Jesus again and trying to seek Him in this swirling life of mine. I know somewhere, somehow He will bring an Isaac into my life, but not today.  Today is where He wants us to live (Matthew 6:34) because tomorrow will take care of itself. Here in these moments is where we can live with Him at our side- guiding our every step.  

Break Out of the Cocoon

Aug19

For most of my life, I was sheltered.  Both from how my parents raised me as well as of my own doing.  I didn’t want to know.  I didn’t want to find out bad things so I’d literally hold my hands over my ears when people tried to talk about worldly things around me.  In the aftermath of my first breakup, my prayer partner and I worked it through and I came to the realization that I used it as a shield and as a form of pride.  I felt almost invincible from sins since I had never kissed a guy.  I felt almost untouchable from doing bad things since I had never done anything in over 25 years.  Then, I dated my first boyfriend and he stole my first kiss.  Then I dated my second boyfriend and although we also didn’t do that, we did more than the last boyfriend.  Part of me dreads the fact that I know my parents can read this but part of me knows that if I am to purge myself and break out of my cocoon, then this must happen. This transparency must occur.  I just thank Jesus that yet once again I can honestly say we did not do that.

This is all said because I know that what I am going through is life changing, but I don’t even know how to say it all coherently.  God is putting me in this place of knowing I’m human. God is putting me in this place of showing me that He is just waiting to give me the promises He’s been TRYING to give me, but each time He gets ready to, I fail.  I get send back to the wilderness. I fall away from the place where He can give me the promises He has for me.  I keep hiding myself back into a cocoon of either fear, doubt, sinfulness, or evil thoughts. Whatever it is at the time, I just keep putting myself into a place where God’s gifts cannot reach me.

We were made to fly.  

That’s what the preacher kept saying tonight. Somehow, in my mind, it’s all a convoluted mess, but God wants me to tear down my high places, break out of my cocoon, pursue after Him with everything I have, and watch as when it all finally comes together, His promises come pouring in.  But how?

How Jesus? I’m so lost Lord. I need You to just guide me through this process for I know You have a work You’re trying to do in me but I don’t even know where to begin in this journey.  What do You want me to do? Where do you want me to go? Lord, just help guide me.  Help. 

Rebekah M. 

Choices

Aug18

I’m a go getter.  I’m the girl who fights for things in this world and accomplishes them in Jesus name.  I’m the girl who has done insane things in this life and sometimes *I* don’t even think anyone should have had all the experiences that I’ve had in my short life.  From starting an alternative spring break program on campus that raised over $30K in less than 5 months, to being part of a search and rescue of a downed pilot, to having told people what I thought Jesus was saying to them and they saying that’s what they’ve been praying about all week (unbeknownst to me), Jesus has created me to break through things.

This is all to say just how incredibly hard it is for me to sit on my hands when it comes to Ex#2 and guys in general.  I want to know them NOW and get them to fall in love with me NOW and then we can get married NOW so that I can stop trying to learn about every new guy that comes along and just focus on ONE guy.  I hate waiting for them to make up their mind, I’d rather they be in or out. I’m sooooooo done with this search and I’ve been done for as long as I can remember.

Now… the choices I have are little actions- part of me wants to text Ex #2 ideas for his upcoming trip to Chicago where he’s going to go see a friend.  I also just met a guy last night who was SUPER handsome and he was short for once (I super like short guys- better hugs) and he’s about to go off on an AIM trip in a few months.  It was an interesting conversation but I feel like I monopolized it and now I’m just super curious about him.  I could friend him on facebook, but then that’s again ME pushing.

I’m done with pushing, I’m done with trying.  I’m sick of always being the one wanting to make things happen when the other party will eventually give in (as I realized while talking to my adopted sis on the phone yesterday).  It was actually pretty amazing to realize that most guys, when I make up my mind to try to make something happen, do respond positively, even if only for a short amount of time.  It’s amazing to realize that when I have tried, I have essentially gotten the guys to like me back.  However… I have also realized that I have essentially always been the one pushing in the end and I hate that… why can’t it be give and take? Why can’t they try as hard as me? I’m done.  I’m just done.

And so I sit, realizing for the first time that I’ve never been as done in my life as I am about dating and still realizing that the urge to pull Ex#2 back in by sending him fun ideas for his upcoming trip and making him a survival bracelet and coming up with ideas of how we could meet up with little expense to him is still there.  I still want to do these things and yet I feel God just saying “Calm. Wait. Just wait my child. Just. Hold. Still.”

Here I sit Lord, waiting on You. Waiting for Your work in my life.  Waiting for You to finally move in away that You never have before.  Waiting for You to help me finally just give it alllllll up. Give You the reigns.  I need Your help to do so though because we both know that I love being in control.  Help me Jesus.  Help. 

Rebekah M. 

Declaration

Aug15

I know Rebekah L just posted earlier today but I just have to post this now.  I realized just why this break up, early as it is in the relationship as it was, hurt so much.  I was just about ready to give him my heart.  I was just about ready to jump in no bars held.  The deepest cry in my heart has been to have that guy who I could honestly say to him:

Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you: for where you go, I will go; and where you lodge, I will lodge: your people shall be my people, and your God my God: ~Ruth 1:16

Yet God is helping me see that what I need is a man who will say this with me to each other but with a twist:

Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you: for where you go, I will go- for it is after Christ; and where you lodge, I will lodge- for it will be with Christ: your people shall be my people, and your God shall be our God. 

I don’t know who he is or where he is, but I know now more than ever that this cry of Christ to just passionately pursue after Him is a cry to just throw it all aside. Just toss EVERYTHING to the wayside and believe with all faith and in every fiber of my being that there is someone who will pursue after Him as desperately as I am. Someone who will not think “where do I want to go?” but thinks “where does God want for me?” For that is the deepest cry of my heart.  Until I find a man who just so instinctively trusts God with every step of his life as I do, I need God to help guard my heart.  He allowed this break up because He knew that had I met ex #2’s parents before the break up, my heart would have been his.

For now, my heart still is remorseful over the fact that he just couldn’t try. Just try and see if we could be the most amazing thing to happen to both our lives but I know now more than ever that it was right- at least for now… perhaps forever.  Perhaps Jesus really does have a “third time’s the charm” for me.  All I do know is that:

Jesus, 

This is my declaration- I will pursue after You with all my heart.  I will run after You and should there never be a man who runs beside me after You then You will be enough.  You will hold my heart.  You’ve held it before and You will continue to do so.  I so wanted to give ex #2 my heart but he wasn’t ready for it. Maybe he never will be because maybe he’ll never be able to trust YOU with his heart like I do.  So be it- You will watch over me and provide everything I need- even companionship- even if it’s only in the form of many friendships- I trust You.  I trust You. I trust You Jesus.  This is my declaration- I love and will pursue after You Jesus with all that I have.  

Rebekah M. 

Song of the Day- Have Your Way by Britt Nicole

Aug13

This weekend has been a roller coaster. It started with my boyfriend and I breaking up and ended today with taking my 2nd step of medical boards. Through what should have been a very tough weekend (and in a way it was), Jesus was right by my side. It was like Jesus allowed the fire to come back into my life just to wake me back up.

This morning, instead of cramming a little more, I got up, danced in the darkness of my room, and worshiped the One who would be by my side this day and would give me the victory not based on anything I had done, but on who HE is.  I danced before the King of all kings and thanked Him for who He is, knowing that He had the power to craft the test to exactly what I had studied.

As I look back on the last few days it’s amazing.  Ex #2 and I talked MANY things out and although I’m sure there are more things that will come up- I think there’s hope of a REAL relationship developing one day.  He was afraid of telling me what he really thought of me because he was afraid I’d be offended. As the misunderstandings started pouring out, and we talked things through, we started seeing each other in a new light.

The most amazing thing of this all is the fact that there are SO many coincidences of circumstances between ex #1 and ex #2 that I just can’t help but feel it is Jesus who is setting it up for me to see the stark contrast.  Do I know that he won’t be like ex #1 and disappear on me just when he was acting like things would be getting better? No. But so far, EVERY time, he has acted the exact opposite of ex #1.  He even kept his promise of texting me good luck this morning 🙂

Will we ever reconcile? I have no clue. I know his mom would love it though haa haa She adored me (I’m guessing as much as I adored her).  She reminded me very, very much of my own mother in certain ways- mainly how the love of God just poured out of her so freely. Being as homesick as I am now (it’s been too many months since I’ve been home), it was wonderful being in a home where you could feel the prayers hovering over as a shield of peace for all who walked in.

To the song today- God has been calling me to just seek after Him with EVERYTHING that I have and let everything else fall away in the might of His glory.  Problems cannot stand in it.  Misunderstandings and misconceptions cannot stand in it. Darkness and sin cannot stand in it.  To seek after Him with all that I have means giving Him much more than I have been- but also gaining all that much more in the end- whether in this life or the next.

The last time I was dumped, I played this song as I sobbed- knowing the world I thought I was going into had just disappeared like a vapor in the wind and tried with all my might to do this. To give God the reigns to have His way regardless of what that meant.  This time around, I truly feel it!!!! Have YOUR way Lord! Should this guy truly leave me- so be it! You are still marvelous! Should this guy realize what he threw away- so be it! Have Your way!!! Jesus, should I have failed my boards today- so be it! Have YOUR way! Should I have aced it beyond all comprehension- Have YOUR way! There is NOTHING in this world that is bad when Jesus is having His way in our life! As I told a younger kid this weekend- if something is stopping or blocking it, don’t fight it- let God do that- perhaps it is God’s way of steering you towards the path you SHOULD be going!!!

Oh Jesus, have Your way in my life. I WILL seek after You.  The rules and regulations so many Christians try to put on their lives fall away when we’re passionately pursuing after You.  I love You Jesus. I love You Jesus. I love You Jesus with all that I have within me. 

Rebekah M. 

P.S. Rebekah A would like to request prayer. Check back here around noon tomorrow to read her post for the details and thank you all in advance for the prayers for her!!!  God bless!

Answers with Questions

Aug11

So…. my boyfriend and I now broke up… So I guess he’s ex #2?  I just got off the phone with my mom and I’m SO thankful that she is in my life.  We prayed over the phone together and I couldn’t ask for a better mom.  He said that he asked me out too early and that we should just go back to being friends and even tough I’m not sure I said it out loud… I agree. We did date WAY too early. I don’t know why I had that much caution with another friend whom I had known for years and would never put me on the back burner like this guy did and yet with ex #2 I threw caution to the wind.

I do wonder though, because I’ve repeatedly been reading on how all these kings of Israel would follow a bad king, turn back to God and God would be please and yet over and over again it mentions “but the high places were not torn down.”  Is that my problem? I didn’t tear the high places down last time from ex #1 which is why I fell into kissing etc. with ex #2? Yet once again I still was able to stay safe from sleeping with him but I still passed the lines I had put up.

We’re going to remain friends he says. Ironically- after we’ve broken up- I’m meeting his parents tomorrow morning. It feels rude to just up and disappear after the plans have already been made and honestly- I still feel like God having said “you need to see things through” might be saying more? I’m so tired and confused I don’t know.

Pray for me dear readers- yet once again I dated a guy who broke up with me right before a big test- this time is my second boards for my medical license… I feel a fool for having allowed yet another guy into my life who would do this but I have to admit that I did push him a bit to this in a way because I asked him if he was in or out. He was clearly pulling out and I wasn’t going to have another “dumped via facebook” in my life again.  No woman deserves to be dumped via facebook.

Jesus,

As my mom said on the phone- I turn my eyes back to You once again. I struggled with it while I was dating ex #2 so I guess since the distraction is now gone, life can be good? Lord, please… I cannot take this too many more times. Just help me trust You with my life and learn to walk in Your ways.  No one can harm me when You are the one steering.  I love You Jesus with all my heart. Thank You that it’s not shattered like the first guy did. Thank You that You are wonderful and marvelous.  Thank You that there is none like You.  I worship You Jesus for You are good in all times and Your mercy endures forever.  I thank You Jesus for being my all in all.  I love You Lord with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength.

Rebekah M.

Song Of the Day: Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin

Aug3

I think many of us have a hard time seeing our worth. I know the other two Rebekah’s have admitted to this in the past and I know for myself it can be especially true at certain moments.  I’ve seen how self-doubt and insecurity has chained me in the past from moving forward towards the wonders that God has in store for me and yet, when I just give it all to Him, He still makes things work out.

Those things from my past are gone.

Those things in YOUR past, dear reader, are gone when You just give it over to Christ.

I don’t know who this post is for, but I so strongly believe that God wants someone out there to see what He’s been saying to me all week: we can be made new in Him!!

Let the things of your past fall away as you learn to give God the things of your past and let them fall away.  Our hopes and dreams are secure in Him if we would just trust Him to help us meet it fearlessly.  We should never go through life thinking we are invincible on our own, but we should have a Godly confidence that regardless of our faults, God is enough to make up the difference.  Regardless as what we see as things that mar our beauty, we are perfect in His sight when we come before Him in the beauty of sincerity and holiness.

Someone out there suffering from past hurts- let them go!!! Let God take them!!! He is able! My life is a living testimony of having had someone rip my heart to shreds and finding in Jesus- not another man, nor a career, nor anything else this world tries to offer- everything I needed!! I’m sure there are those who have suffered so much more than I have and yet everything in me screams that HE IS ABLE. There is NOTHING that He cannot handle- even your deepest pains and scars.  Look to Him and find the healing you’ve been seeking today.

I normally don’t do this but if you would, say this prayer with me as you read this:

Jesus, 

I come before You in brokenness and in my shame. I am nothing without You. Heal me from the things of my past. Take away the feelings of worthlessness and pain. Forgive me for my past sins. Make me a mosaic- a masterpiece created from the broken. Fused so completely that people no longer see the process of breaking it took to create it- only the beauty of the finished product. Lord, heal me so much that I am able to become a light to those who follow after and are looking for what You have to offer. Jesus, I give it all to You now and I thank You for Your goodness and mercy.  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life (Ps. 23:6). I worship You Jesus. I thank You Lord for Your healing power. I love You Jesus with all my heart. 

Rebekah M.

The Good Thing About Waiting

Jul30

So my boyfriend and I talked out our misunderstanding and although I’m not 100% sure I know what to do the next time something like that rolls around, I know he definitely knows my side of things.  He’s so hard to read at times, not just because we’ve only been dating for a month now, but because he’s very private. Me, I’m an open book. What you see is often what you get with slight undertones of loving, joking sarcasm. He, however, cannot always be read and it thus I’m glad I listened when Jesus said to just wait.

Yesterday, we spent a pretty idyllic day going to church together in a city somewhat in the middle for us (2hrs for him, 1 for me) where the people recognized him from church camp (which was honestly very attractive to me that he was remembered for how he prayed with one of the members) then hanging out at a park until late 🙂

In the middle of the day we took a little mid-sunday nap and when we woke up I had a horrible pain in my left side. Given my training, I’m still convinced that it was a little kidney stone but praise God the pain hasn’t returned to the level it was yesterday although I am still a bit tender on that side. The most amazing part was that during that time he just held me while I hurt, then brought me to a gas station to get me some aspirin. He even opened the bottle for me when I couldn’t because I hurt so badly!

I don’t know if he is my Isaac/Boaz, but I am grateful for him in my life.

Jesus,

Thank You that when we just ask, You lead and guide us towards actions (or not acting) that are to our benefit.  I thank You that listening to You brings all things to pass in time in the best outcome.  I praise You Jesus that You’ve held me in storms in life and rejoiced with me in victories.  I thank You that You’ve given me a man that currently is doing the same 🙂

I love You Jesus with all my heart,

Rebekah M.