Blessings in the Pain

For those who don’t know, I’m a doctor. God called me to be one and I even have the moment He called me locked into my heart.

I have been SO frustrated at the health system for pushing “patients must not be in pain!” for I have had to teach patients the important role pain plays in our bodies. You see, pain is what teaches us boundaries for our bodies- you fought a futon and the futon won? Next time use better body mechanics. You just had surgery? let’s not numb your pain so bad that you rip your stitches out.

This break up- I was in bed sobbing for two days straight. The pain of his walking away from me I cannot begin to describe to you. It was such a mixture of:

  • I love him
  • I’m proud of him for expressing his need to seek God on his own, by himself
  • I really loved him so much – it felt like it could have been enough for us both
  • did he really think he wasn’t good enough for me
  • how can two people who say they love each other and their actions show true love be walking away from each other

But I emerged from my cocoon of pain to find myself stronger than I’ve ever been.

I have fought battles with deep depression and suicide before- and barely survived. I have had plans on what I would use to kill myself if only I had had access. I have not allowed myself to fully dream for my future- just dreaming of what would make the guy happiest.

Sunday night I had a moment where I realized I had not had even ONE thought of suicide. I lost the greatest love of my life and yet I was still looking forward to things, I was allowing myself the space for my pain and tears, I was PROUD of this man for doing what he felt was best.

I know that GOD has won my battle over suicide and it is a definitive win. I am free. 

I never would have known this about myself if he never broke up with me. I would never have allowed myself to fully dream for my future if I was still with him- not his fault at all, mine; for I fully always defer more than any man ever asks for when I love him.

This man constantly pushed me to speak up for myself more. He constantly encouraged me to find my voice.

I still love him so much for that. I praise God for that year He gave us for me to grow as I did.

My painful time of the break up taught me so much and now I know that I know- I am called; I am chosen for I have chosen to say He can have my all. 

That man, he is one so full of actions and so hard for him to say the words. He tends to shoot for Russia (other side of the world) and lands on the moon instead. I try to shoot for the Jupiter and land on the moon- farther than if I never dreamed big.

Thank you God for this year with this man.

Thank you God for the most Godly break up I’ve ever had.

Thank you God for allowing pain in our lives to grow us or even show us the growth when we cannot see it for ourselves.

So dear Reader,

Continue on this journey with me of self-discovery and defining ourselves by His mirror. You and I are beautiful in His sight. We are beloved. We are FREE.

Growing in Him a little more every day,

Rebekah M.

And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. – Colossians 3:15

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Defined by the Kendrick Brothers, Chpt 1

“Identity matters”

I actually was already to the 4th chapter when I decided to start blogging this journey instead so I went back to the start so you all could join along.

My latest break up showed me I am still working on my identity since I still battle with keeping God on the pedestal instead of the man I’m with.

“[Jesus’] life and ministry demonstrated that (1) knowing our God-given identity is a key priority for each of us, and (2) allowing God to be the One to help us discover it and live it out is foundational to fulfilling our purpose in life”

In the past, I have fought thoughts of suicide- the last time I actually had a plan and would have done it if I had had access to that medication.

But this past year with this actually amazing man was SO grounding for me. I grew so much both with his help as well as my counselor. I have learned how to create boundaries and finally started to speak my needs out loud.

I have not had even ONE thought of suicide even with severe work stress and the break up!!! I am healed!!!!

I’m thankful for the year we had together. I wish it could have been more, but only time and God will tell if there aren’t going to be any more years together.

I have been slowly learning throughout my life, a little more each year, on who God says I am… and each time embracing a little more of that truth.

If I am to thrive in the calling God placed on my life, I need to finally define myself by who HE says I am- strong in Him, beautiful for He clothed me in His grace, and truly priceless beyond measure.

Beneath your daily words and ambitions, behind your regular thoughts and emotions, is a pool of hidden beliefs about your own identity and worth that either clarifies or confuses the choices you make in life.

I was defined by my fears and feelings of self-worthlessness to the point I pushed this man to feel like he was in a corner and his only options were either get married to break up but he wasn’t ready to get married so he picked the only other option he thought available.

I think he was allowing himself to be defined by his fears and feelings of self-worthlessness as well when he thought he couldn’t be the man he thinks I need. Someone apparently way more spiritual than he is today- when what I need is a man that is trying to emulate Christ that treats me with the level of love and respect he did.

I realized we prioritize the love languages differently. He’s actions > words of affirmation while I’m the opposite.

I see now how we could end up in a place where we’re no longer together but still saying we love each other. The deep levels of misunderstanding I can’t even begin to describe… but I’m hoping to one day rectify that. In His timing. And maybe He’ll never release me to do so, or maybe the guy will come to me wishing to discuss first.

All I know in the mean time is this: if I take this time now to ground my identity in Christ, I will not need to cross this bridge again with him or any other man if he never comes back to me.

So readers,

Let us seek together who HE says we are. If anyone wants to share a scripture on what God says of us below, please do so! Let’s remind each other what finally embracing our God- given identity looks like ❤

9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. – I Peter 2:9

Grounding myself in Him a little more each day,

Rebekah M

Identity Theft

I gave him a last letter. My previous letter was full of my fears- fears I should have given God and they drove this man away. This letter though- this is the letter that God creates through me when I emerge from a 2 week fast.

I wish so badly that my love had just understood that when I seek Him it doesn’t have to be a reflection of himself or a rejection of him- but that it can transform **ME** and my point of view.

I let my fears of dying old and without children push him to a timeline he couldn’t do. That wasn’t fair to him, but as God changed my timeline the enemy continually fed his fears and self doubt.

And so- my last letter was full of love and encouragement. I asked him quietly after he read it “I can’t help but wonder if you would have done what you did [break up with me] if you had known before our talk”  “we’ll never know” but the look he gave me felt full of regret and broken dreams.

I can only love and honor this man, even if he never comes back to me. I can only hope and dream of a future with someone but only in God’s timing and at God’s pace.

Today’s preaching was on “Identity Theft” and that resonated SO much within me. I so deeply still hear that voice that tells me I’m ugly, worthless, and incapable and I push it down often but- it drove me to push him instead. But that is the enemy trying to steal our identity in Christ.

We are all born conquerors. We are all born with an inherent worth that is above all price and a strength that can come from Him. We are born worth the cost of Christ’s life- priceless beyond measure.

I knew that I STILL have self worth issues and that’s why I didn’t want to get married anymore, just date. That’s what my two week fast was about- God teaching me to give my fears to Him instead. But for this guy, it was too late. He stated he needed to figure out if he wanted to serve God for himself, by himself- how could I do anything besides honor that.

So I told him- “I have identity theft issues… and I think you do too. You don’t see yourself for who you truly are but I do. You are amazing and wonderful and SO capable.” He looked at me like he really wanted to believe those words SO badly. Oh my love, that you could ever doubt your worth hurts me to know. BUT- NEITHER of us can find our worth from each other’s words- they must come from a place grounded in Christ.

I believe we *could* have done this together, but his fears drove him to break us apart… but we can still make this journey separately and in time, God will either give me to another or bring him back into my life – more firmly safe from identity theft.

Dear Reader,

Sometimes we are still single because there are deep rooted issues that God needs to work out. Each boyfriend has been better than the rest because I learned my lessons and walked forward some more and I am back here with new things to work on within myself. I am SO grateful for my year with this man and I can only give him honor and praise him for how he was with me. Let us all work on protecting ourselves from identity theft by grounding who we are in who He knows we are. 

Today’s verse for you and myself:

Ps 139:14

” I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Working on making my all grounded in Him,

Rebekah M.

Reflections

This guy and my dad are SO much alike that today my dad made me realize he probably misunderstood SO much of things. I am SO full of regret on not expressing myself better- he knew I’m so bad at speaking up for myself that I fumbled and fumbled HARD in doing so.

A few things I haven’t disclosed well yet. Basically, this man is the KINDEST, most wonderful, amazing, man I have ever dated with SO many qualities of Christ and he doesn’t even realize he has. But a few weeks ago a minister texted me out of the blue and said the Holy Ghost wanted him to ask me “are you sure he’s the one?”

I told my pastor who said he already had been feeling in the spirit that there was something that just wasn’t right about the two of us. So I ended up asking man for 2 weeks apart to just pray and fast. The more I reflect on some of the things he said during our talk, the more I think

a) the problem was that God was a focus for me, but not MY central focus- I can’t speak for the guy and I wish he had understood I just needed to know what he was thinking and if he was willing to help me walk in that.

b) he went in with a decision to break up already- mainly b/c I think my poor wording made him think he HAD to choose between engagement or break up when I really needed to know was if he still wanted to be with me and for him to say he was committed to Christ- not a spiritual powerhouse, just committed to growing in Him as he has been doing. Sometimes I just need to hear things even if it’s already happening – kinda like “I love you” – nice to hear it even if their actions already say they do.

c) those two weeks apart transformed me. I went from “we better get engaged by the end of this year or I’m leaving him” to “I am not ready to be a wife.” I straight up told my pastor “I will never be able to be married if I don’t figure out how to be in a relationship but still keep God first, not the man.” (It’s part of why I’m starting the “Defined” series by the Kendrick brothers and any of you reading are welcome to join me at 5PM PST on Mondays).

d) I have let so many of my fears get in the way of just enjoying this relationship. If only he had gone into Thursday as my heart was- ready to just see what God had done in the two weeks … but he couldn’t hear my words.

e) He didn’t gets a heads up on the change- I just assumed he’d know that 2 weeks with God can transform my direction in a MAJOR way. But he’s still learning so much- he’s 10 years younger than me. I shouldn’t have assumed he’d know this about me when I’ve never shown him that God does this to me.

f) he doesn’t have to be 100% sure he can grow to where he thinks my future husband should be- just sure that he wants to emulate Christ as best as he can- and that’s more than enough.

So despite my hurt I’m ready to lay my heart bare: Yes. Yes he is the one whom my soul lovest. He is the one for me if he would just realize what his actions already show: that he is committed to Christ and he’s growing a little day by day.

I’m planning on sending him an email detailing things more soon so please pray.

Still broken but with eyes opened and heart bare:

Rebekah M.

Begging for Love

Years ago with my second boyfriend as he was breaking up with me, I begged him to give “us” a chance. I begged and begged until he finally agreed but then he changed his mind again after tearful kisses.

I promised myself to never again beg for love.

I’m so grateful that guy and I didn’t work out- he’s clearly not in church anymore.

This latest guy, as we were breaking up I told him I wouldn’t beg for love and honestly, I think if I had, it would have turned him off.

He was so good for me. Helping encourage in me a strength I never knew.

I was suicidal with the last break up and this time around all I can do is wish he would have reached out in faith saying “yes, I too want to give God all.” But I have no thoughts like that. I have no wish to die- instead I dream of a life filled with love and adventure- +/- a man at my side.

The crazier part is I truly don’t know if this latest ex is or is not in a place of full submission to Christ. I think he thought I wanted him to become a spiritual powerhouse in the 2 weeks apart when I just needed him to be willing to say, and mean, that he had and wanted to give God everything- every last bit, just like I have.

My dad pointed out to me though, that his engineering mind likely needed to say it with 100% certainty that he won’t go back on it. God just needs us to try- failing when trying to do this is ok. We get back up and try again. He LOVES when we fall in trying something like this as babies first learning to walk.

So he walked away because of his identituncertainty.

So I wrote him an email I and my friends are praying about on timing. If he is never to come back to me, I’m not sure God will ever let me send it. I know him to be a man so capable of everything and I know he can lead me spiritually- if only he’s willing to give God all but I think he let himself and the enemy convince him otherwise.

I didn’t beg, but I did tell him in the end:

You + Jesus = more than I ever dreamed of

Lord:

I see now going forward that although this man was EVERYTHING I dreamed of in a man- this one thing I am unsure we were on the same page on. He still has my heart God, if You could help him see all that You have for those who give themselves over to you, please bring him back to me. But, if he never will, please raise up my future husband to meet me in your timing. Help me do Your Will in the end and walk in full submission to you.

In Him,

Rebekah M

My heart

The pain.

The brokenness.

I miss you so badly.

Why did you walk away instead of choose faith and handing your life over to Him completely.

He doesn’t ask more from us than we can give. He just asks what we can and he provides the rest- even faith.

“Help thou my unbelief” is a prayer He not only hears, but answers in ample supply.

Why did you walk away my love instead if trying to boldly walk together in Him?

Lord,

Hear my heart’s cry. I still love Him. Surround him with your love and if he’s the one, open his eyes to see all that You promise to those who are chosen, for they have chosen to give you their all. But heal me in the mean time and prepare me for whomever you have, one eventually willing to say “whatever You ask of me, Lord.”

Still so broken in Him,

Rebekah M.

Called Vs Chosen

As I sit here once again, heartbroken and once again out of another relationship where I had loved the man more deeply than anyone before him I have a few thoughts:

  1. I really need to get back into blogging – I’m thinking Mondays 5pm PST and I’m going to be going through Defined by the Kendrick brothers.
  2. I and my posts needs to be about more than just men- I am SO much more than having a worth attached to if a man calls me “his”
  3. Each of us have a different journey on love – mine feels SO long and protracted. Why am I about to turn 35 and yet again, I’m STILL single, my eggs are just dying more and more every day, and my dreams of having a loving husband and kids feels farther and less possible every day… and yet…
  4. I needn’t loose hope

This last man- he was SO much younger than the rest but he was the most kind, respectful, sweet, and loving of them all. When I had to completely overturn my apartment due to bed bugs he didn’t get angry or complain, he just helped me – for 10 hours and then offered to help again the next day if necessary.

When I was unsure about what next step to take- I’d often talk to him and he’d either offer decent advice or even tell me to chat with pastor when they were really big things.

In so much of our time together he ALWAYS pushed me to do things for ME and make sure that I wasn’t letting anyone or even him walk all over me.

I am a co-dependent. I accept that my usual default is to seek to please others to the detriment of myself. I have worked on this all year and this latest ex never let me be co-dependent with him.

I sit here in tears, knowing he did what was best for us, thankful for our times together where he helped make me stronger and better, and wishing so badly that he had just reached out with a little faith and decided to let me help him grow in faith as he’s helped me grow in personality.

See- why we broke up was because he didn’t feel he could lead me spiritually. He’s a decade younger and in that decade between us is SO much time that I spent deep in God’s inner throne. I am NOT special. But not only am I called- but I have been chosen.

Chosen not because I am special- but because I am willing- willing to give every last penny, every last minute, every last bit of me – my home, my car, my life – to Him.

My deepest desire is to see the saved lost. My deepest hope is to see as many come to heaven with me- saying “she did _______ and that’s part of why I’m here today.” And to me- there is nothing in this world that comes before that calling….. but I haven’t been living that as much as I have/should have this past year with this man.

Last year, I got pneumonia- twice. Six months of battling the worst sickness of my life- this man was a pillar of laughter, soup, cough syrup, and support. Then work got insane and even as I was grumpily battling doing notes for work- he would hum along next to me doing his work- happy to be with me.

How I have longed so badly for a man who would just be happy to be in the same space as me… and he was.

But I hid the side of me that was willing to go to church at 9AM every sunday to give bible studies before church, willing to use every available night for bible studies- if only to help others grow in Him and become more grounded so that the cares of this world don’t blow them away.

Partially because it was nice to “take a break” and just live, partially because I was afraid he would leave me- and he has.

But here and now- I freshly choose God. I chose God when I listened to the prophet sent to ask me “are you sure he’s the one?” 6 weeks ago and really took a big step back in the relationship to evaluate things. I chose God when I asked for 2 weeks of radio silence, knowing that any time we were apart his fears grow and he becomes more likely to break up with me but certain this is what God wanted. I chose God when I didn’t force him to tell me last night if he wanted to break up over text because I would rather trust that in God’s timing, all things will work out as He wills.

I cannot be with just anyone. I see it now- I MUST be with a man who is just as willing to let God have complete control over our finances, knowing that He is the God of a cattle of a thousand hills. A man who, even if not asked to do it, is willing to move at a moment’s notice from God if asked to. A man who loves me more and more every day as we pray together and tear things down in the spirit together – knowing our every day’s battles are only won in Him. He doesn’t have to be there today, but the place that starts is “I am committed to Christ.”

He couldn’t say that yet. My dad pointed out his engineering brain likely thinks he has to be near 100% when he really only needs to be as much as he can- even only 51% and God cam fill in the rest.

So readers, if there’s any of you left, choose you this day who you will serve. Stand with me and let’s serve Him together and encourage each other to seek Him first always and above even our deepest desire.

And before anyone thinks I have negative thoughts on this last ex- I love him. We only broke up today so the love is still so fresh and so real. I will ALWAYS respect him for he was so kind, wonderful, and respectful of me. I honestly believe that he has it in him to be my husband… but only if he desires God above everything else in this world. And since he himself said he does not know if he can – at least for now – he cannot be the one.

But I have hope- hope that even if he never comes to that place, there will be someone. If God didn’t care about who I married He wouldn’t have stepped into my life via prophecy twice now to guide me in my relationships.

So newest ex- I don’t know if you’re reading this- but I love you and I truly wish the best for you. If you ever do decide you are committed to Him and know that for yourself- please come back to me.

In the mean time, whether it is this past man or another, I will continue on in this season of singleness knowing that God is my savoir and my one true love. Ready and willing to be the chosen- for I have chosen to give Him everything- every last bit of me.

Broken in Him,

Rebekah M.