Since my last post SO much has transpired (as it should in the half a year it’s been!). I have literally been so suicidal I had a plan on how I would will kill myself. I finally got put in touch with a christian counselor and she’s been such a blessing for me. I’ve needed to have someone that I speak with professionally who can help me have HEALTHY relationships.
Work has been a bumpy road. I worked very very very hard for work and have now been out a whole week due to illness. I have not been this sick since age 16. Just walking to my kitchen has me winded and slightly dizzy at times.
However… I do have a development that I want to share with you all: my new boyfriend. This came out of left field for me- as I even told my pastor. We were just friends- the best of friends, but JUST friends. He, being 10 years my junior, never hit my radar as someone who would want to pursue a relationship with me and so I didn’t hold back. I was me- all silly, child-like, harassing me – and he likes me for it. Not since my teens have I REALLY let my walls be completely gone- not hiding any bit of ME from another.
Pastor told him to GO SLOW and that advised him not to hold hands or even hug me yet. Extreme I know- but working with the counselor I realized, exactly what >> I need << . If we make it to marriage and he had to wait that long for so much of the physical forms of affection, it’ll help reassure me along the way that he’s in it for ME, and not what he can get out of me.
The last guy… we did more than we should.. and directly after that happened he pulled back. He stopped nightly videochatting with me, he stopped saying he loved me. He broke my heart so badly. I still haven’t had sex- but I gave in to his arguments that we should kiss… and more. I thought since he was telling me things like “i’ve never been so in love with anyone.” and “I love you more every day” that it meant he was safe – that it meant he was truly in this long term so it was safe to be doing what we did- but clearly I was wrong.
So.. I need this man to GO SLOW. Let me truly know that I am the Rachel to his Jacob. That I am the Rebekah to his Isaac. That I am the Ruth to his Boaz. Worth the effort; worth the wait; worth fighting for.
And so far… it seems he’s showing all the signs he could be the one. I have deeply longed for a man who would honor my father and want to learn and glean from him. My father is an amazing man. We may not always get along 100%, but I respect him, my pastor, and my brother the most in this world. Those three men are ones who watch out for my soul and hold deep wisdom. And the day after he met my dad (and got permission to date me from him), he texted my dad and asked if he wanted to meet up and get to know his story better. They talked for HOURS at my church. We didn’t even end up talking that day (except via text), but he chatted with my dad face to face for HOURS.
This is what I’ve always longed for.
The moment my best friend asked me out, I told him he had to ask my dad and my pastor for permission and my pastor in turn told him he needed to seek permission from his mom and his former pastor (he moved here and joined my church in may, about a month after my ex and I broke up). That man got it all done within five days- he did not dilly dally! haa haa 🙂
It has been some very interesting weeks since. Before we were dating there were no rules on us and so we met up often, almost daily towards the end. Now, we need to have someone else with us and that can be difficult to find and I’ve been very busy with work stuff so for week 2, we saw each other only as he was taking me to urgent care due to how sick I was.
However, he has been caring, celebrating of the small moments with me (instead of getting angry with me and calling me childish as one ex had done), fun, bratty, and full of adventure.
So I don’t know if he’s the one, but he’s worked hard to create a base for a love story that I have always dreamed of, but lost hope in ever being part of.
The thing I love the most is that I told him I was suicidal after the last breakup (a big part of it was pressure from work to be honest) and his response has been to make sure that I stay emotionally safe enough that if I were ever to lose him (either from a break up or death), that I would be able to keep going even if I lost him.
I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such a man, but I believe him to be sincere since he has been this sweet and caring even before we were dating. Having 5 months of friendship under the belt really has mad a big difference in this relationship. I’ve never felt this at ease with a man and yet just… truly adore him.
I can see myself marrying him one day… as long as he doesn’t change. However, as I’ve learned time and time again – only time will tell.
I think You’re in this but if You aren’t- please pull us apart now. If this is Your Will, draw us closer every day as we have been. However, YOUR WILL be done above my own. I’m SO DONE with doing things and dating my way, I’m ready to submit to even the strictest of dating standards if this means that I’ll finally either marry the right man or have the nicest break up I’ve ever had. Either way Lord- have YOUR way.